Most of the time I want to be just by myself. I've tried talking to others only to discover that no one really understands what I went through and some even forget what I share, which, when that happens, whether it's true or not that they were listening, I don't know, but it feels like they weren't listening, let alone understanding, and it feels like passive rejection, but maybe they just have too much of their own stuff going on for mine to really register with them or to really mean anything… Continue
Added by Amanda on January 28, 2015 at 4:30pm —
Will it ever stop hurting?
Maybe you are wondering.
Most people who have experienced a loss, no matter what it has been, has felt a pain so severe that it seemed unendurable. The suffering, sadness, and crying can appear to be bottomless and eternal.
The loss can become the center of one's life without one even realizing it.
It seems like a loss never occurs singularly, but many losses come in a big bundle, all wrapped up… Continue
Added by Amanda on January 15, 2015 at 4:30pm —
I've always had a way of losing myself in my thoughts and my emotions.
Emotions can be so strong, over-powering, difficult to manage. It's easy to lose oneself in them.
Shutting off your feelings is an emotional defense against pain and loss, and I've used it in the face of so many struggles and so many losses, so as not to lose myself.
I learned, at a very young age, how to put a lid on grief and loss and all the other negative emotions. It seemed like the… Continue
Added by Amanda on December 31, 2014 at 11:00am —
Have you ever wondered how it's possible to be at peace and still enjoy things when there is so much suffering going on around you? Continue
I remember always feeling this way, even to the point of wondering, when Dad was terminally ill, how could I possibly enjoy so much as just having a hot cup of coffee with a warm danish while someone so close to me was suffering?
I've always felt bad because others were feeling bad.
I suppose it's sympathy, but it means I suffer…
Added by Amanda on December 18, 2014 at 8:00pm —
One of my brothers is terminally ill. I have seven brothers, five older, two younger. He is second to my oldest brother.
He has chronic progressive liver disease and is not a candidate for liver transplantation.
His health has been gradually declining for several years, but such is the case for those diseases that cause organ failure.
I saw him on Thanksgiving Day, while visiting my mother.
He was using a cane, but was unable to stand for any length… Continue
Added by Amanda on December 4, 2014 at 5:00pm —
Although I have kept asking to know Him better, I've been growing further and further away from God, not closer.
I have heard others describing their deep and meaningful relationships with God, their growing faith, their immense love, but I struggle with the feeling of being cut off, being forgotten.
My heart echoes the sentiment found in this verse, "I say to God, my rock: “Why have you forgotten me? Why do I go mourning because of the oppression of the enemy?” Ps… Continue
Added by Amanda on November 29, 2014 at 9:30pm —
I say them often to myself.
Those words, I wish I was never born.
It's a negative message that I received as a child.
I wish you were never born.
It remains with me.
There's nothing anyone can do to change the past, or to remove its pain, or to fix the damage.
As I was praying, during the early hours this morning, I acknowledged all of it to God, and especially that it can't be fixed -- the damage. It's done.
Added by Amanda on November 23, 2014 at 10:30pm —
Last evening, it was more of an introduction for new volunteers, than a training session, which I attended, and the speaker, a licensed clinical social worker for the advocacy agency committed to helping victims of domestic violence, shared information about their mission and ways that they help survivors heal, as well as the dynamics of abuse, warning signs of violence, and how to respond.
The meeting was held in the conference room at the shelter, which is located on a farm, fully… Continue
Added by Amanda on November 12, 2014 at 11:00pm —
Whenever I begin feeling hopeful or joyful, even in small ways, I also feel I am waiting for inevitable bad things to happen.
Always, it seems that the one event that brings joy is linked somehow to the other event that brings a trial, and even when the joy is very light and small, the trial is very bitter and hard, and, all too often, it will consist of more than one problem.
Nonetheless, I have to press on. I mustn't turn back.
I've asked God to come into all… Continue
Added by Amanda on November 11, 2014 at 7:00pm —
As I sat alone on the sofa, tonight, I noticed a bright light starting to shine through the cracks of the closed window blind, hanging on my front door.
I peeked through it and then stepped outside the front door into the chilly air.
The moon was rising in the east, a full round disc, right behind the empty, dilapidated, old farmhouse that sits, noiselessly, just across the way.
Its ruins to most are an eyesore, with shattered window panes and rotting… Continue
Added by Amanda on November 7, 2014 at 8:00pm —
What a blustery and rainy November day it has been, with falling leaves rustling and swirling through the air and the cold wind scattering and scurrying them across the ground.
The trees are almost bare now and the grass in the fields is turning brown.
What a dismal day.
What a dismal mood.
Nature can push its discomfort onto me.
I'm easily influenced by weather.
Cold makes me want to withdraw inside and isolate from life… Continue
Added by Amanda on November 6, 2014 at 7:30pm —
My next birthday must be a very important one. I've been getting a lot of mail saying I must reply before my birthday. It's from life insurance companies, and they are saying I'll soon be at an age when many life insurance companies will begin to look at me differently.
I have only until my birthday to accept their offers.
I already have a life insurance policy, and I'm not too affected by the anxiety inducing sales pitches that, seemingly, are meant… Continue
Added by Amanda on November 5, 2014 at 4:00pm —
When you are down, you have negative thoughts, and when your thoughts are negative, you feel even lower.
Depression changes thinking, and thinking keeps changing during depression.
It's a circle of futility.
The thinking can consist of just images or words or memories, and, to me, it seems reasonable, not distorted.
Ugly. Stupid. Trash.
The words reflect truth --the truth of what I think about me, what I believe so strongly.
Added by Amanda on October 31, 2014 at 12:00pm —
One day, close to the end of September, my husband took me to a nearby lake and we spent the day together.
It was sunny and warm, with a brisk wind blowing, and the clouds were puffy, like enormous pieces of cotton, and being in nature somehow always makes me feel closer to God, and, also,… Continue
Added by Amanda on October 19, 2014 at 5:00pm —
On Thursday, it will be six weeks since a disc ruptured in the lower back of my eight year old dachshund, Corbin. Since then, I've learned that ruptured discs are very frequent in doxies and that the degeneration of the discs begins to occur during their first year of life, culminating in impingement upon the spinal cord, generally somewhere around the ages of 3 to 6.
Corbin is almost 9, and I feel that he has been blessed, at least for it not to have happened to him any… Continue
Added by Amanda on October 13, 2014 at 12:00pm —
A steady rain is falling, here, today, and, at times, the wind is getting on the strong side. The past several days have been the same way -- rainy, chilly, and dismal, with one round after another of showers and storms.
However, on Thursday morning, at 7:42 a.m., the sunrise was like a painting… Continue
Added by Amanda on October 7, 2014 at 12:30pm —
Today, four years ago, I wanted to end it all. There are times when I think about that day and wonder why I'm still here. It's difficult to explain the kind of anguish that leads to thoughts of suicide. Plus, there's shame and stigma attached to it, making it difficult to talk about, regardless.
But sometimes I get asked what I'm going to do today, and the best answer still that I can think of is the one that Tom Hanks' character gave during the… Continue
Added by Amanda on September 22, 2014 at 2:00pm —
"You can go through in January," said the Regional Coordinator for the Rape Crisis Center. "I will email you the schedule when it gets… Continue
Added by Amanda on September 14, 2014 at 4:30pm —
I did what I had to do to survive and get through it.
That's how I feel about what happened a few years ago.
That's how I feel about my childhood and about my whole life in general.
Part of what I did to survive as a child was turning to God.
Another part was suppressing or trying to forget painful encounters and events after experiencing them, and another part included using detachment and withdrawing and distancing myself from… Continue
Added by Amanda on September 8, 2014 at 7:17pm —
It's not too late. Over the weekend, I deleted a few of my recent blog posts, ones in which I was journaling about seeking to volunteer in a program at a Rape Crisis Center to help victims of sexual assault and their families.
I intended to call today to withdraw from the screening and selecting process of becoming a volunteer in the program, but, I opened my email account early this morning and saw a message from the staff member who had interviewed and admitted me into the… Continue
Added by Amanda on September 2, 2014 at 3:00pm —