Have you felt as if your life is cursed, as if you are cursed?
At times I feel as if God has chosen for me to be at the mercy of many things in my life that have gone wrong, at the mercy of illness, and at the mercy of people to be abused, assaulted, or injured physically, emotionally, mentally, and verbally, and for me to always feel helpless and vulnerable, struggling with the need to be in control.
I keep looking for ways to regain control of my life.
Added by Amanda on November 1, 2015 at 8:30am —
Added by Amanda on October 1, 2015 at 1:30pm —
The autumn equinox has passed and fall has arrived in this hemisphere. Although it's my favorite time of year, as far as weather and nature go, it's the anniversary of a day I'll never forget, even though I don't remember it very clearly, either. It was the darkest day in my life, and the day I gave up and… Continue
Added by Amanda on September 26, 2015 at 9:30am —
Sometimes I look into the eyes of strangers, to see if they will acknowledge me, give me a smile or say hello.
I could be wrong, but I think most people want others to really see them and to not be dismissive of them, and they want to not feel the sting of judgment in their eyes, reflecting back to them, but to find there, instead, understanding and acceptance of who they are, of the way they look, and so forth.
Sometimes I think, wouldn't it be great if everyone could… Continue
Added by Amanda on September 20, 2015 at 6:00pm —
If it wasn't sweater weather the last time I posted a blog entry, it is definitely time for it, now, at least in the mornings and the evenings, when I sit outside on the patio.
The high today was forecast as 79, but this morning it was only 57, although it turned out to be a pleasant afternoon, warm and sunny and clear. Tonight's low is 48. As I write this, it's nearing sunset, and the temperatures will gradually fall from then on.
When I sit on the patio, I have a great… Continue
Added by Amanda on September 14, 2015 at 4:00pm —
I've been seeing the first hints of autumn--leaves changing colors and falling to the ground--but it definitely isn't time for sweaters. The high today was forecast as 90 and it's been a muggy afternoon. Continue
Fall is my favorite time of year. I love the bursts of colors, the orange, gold, and russet hues,…
Added by Amanda on September 6, 2015 at 12:00pm —
The article was about adults who have survived child abuse, and it said, "Children who are abused internalise profoundly negative messages about themselves, their place in the world and other people" Briere & Scott (2006).
It continued, "These negative messages often persist into… Continue
Added by Amanda on August 26, 2015 at 8:30am —
When I feel insecure, the only thing that helps me is to receive reassurance, but I don't always receive it. In fact, it seems like I seldom do and like I only end up focusing even more on my worries, and then, the more uncertainty I face, the less I want to do anything, and the less I want to engage in life. It… Continue
Added by Amanda on August 7, 2015 at 2:30pm —
Yesterday was my first day out and about on my own. I had Siri with me, of course. I can use her to get directions from maps on my iPhone.
However, Apple maps aren't always so right and on target for navigation.
For instance, Siri will sometimes take you in circles or lead you to the back door of… Continue
Added by Amanda on July 29, 2015 at 6:00am —
The other day, as he and I were discussing angst, a friend of mine reminded me of Mark Twain's humorous quote: "I've lived through some terrible things in my life, some of which actually happened."
I laughed, but seriously, angst is a feeling of deep anxiety or dread, and I suffer through it almost everyday. One of my biggest and most ingrained faults is that I imagine possibilities and scenarios that don't exist but could happen, and I worry about them happening, and that's a main… Continue
Added by Amanda on July 25, 2015 at 10:30am —
It still isn't feeling like home, but I'm making at least some bit of progress in becoming more acclimated to my new surroundings.
I wonder how long it will take after moving here for it to feel like home?
I've unpacked all of the boxes and the bags, except for the ones containing all of the…
Added by Amanda on July 17, 2015 at 11:30am —
Throughout the pages of this blog, I have shared my true journey in life, which began as a helpless child who was raised in abject poverty and who was violated, neglected, and abused—physically, emotionally, and sexually— and who has continued as an adult to gradually move forward while suffering from many problems that are common to those who have been abused as children but that are nonetheless painful and severe.
In fact, the problems can be so severe for some people that they can… Continue
Added by Amanda on June 21, 2015 at 7:00pm —
Since moving, I feel weird in a way that's difficult to describe and everything seems foreign to me. I've heard that moves can be jarring, and I've moved a total of eight times in my lifetime, counting leaving my childhood home, which was the one other time that I moved to another state, like this time, but none of the times do I remember ever feeling this way -- a weird way that I can't quite define.
I've hurt my left shoulder and arm while moving. It feels like pulled muscles and… Continue
Added by Amanda on June 15, 2015 at 7:00pm —
Once, I did a bible study by Jeffrey S. Forrey called, "There Still Are Reasons For Hope." He is a biblical counselor, and it was about the causes of hopelessness, and he said that one reason it happens to us is that we become more concerned about present happiness/comfort than about living for the glory of God.
I'm sure it's very true, but I find that it's hard to live for God's glory alone, as your purpose for existing, when people are picking on you, belittling and ridiculing you… Continue
Added by Amanda on May 29, 2015 at 11:00am —
She said, "No," and shook her head adamantly. "That's not what you need, and I'm not going to do it."
I asked her again, and she said, "You have a beautiful face!" She was trying to make me feel better. She continued, "I've had to shave the heads of women before who've come in here, suffering from the effects of chemo, illness, or for some other reason, but it's not your turn. You don't need that."
Sometimes I don't know what I need, but I think my hair looks just as bad… Continue
Added by Amanda on May 26, 2015 at 5:30pm —
I make a grocery list.
Well, I have a magnetic notepad and pen on the refrigerator door and I write down things as they run out or get used up. It might sound funny but lists make me anxious. Lol.
A list of things that I need to do makes me feel restless until I get everything on it done.
I used to make lists of goals. I have several old folders that are filled with my writings and notes over the years.
One list that I wrote back in 2005… Continue
Added by Amanda on May 23, 2015 at 8:27am —
Yesterday, in my morning devotions I read about God knowing our afflictions, based on the Lord saying to the Christians in Smyrna, “I know your afflictions and your poverty—yet you are rich!” (Revelation 2:9) and, then, this morning, I read about God knowing our love and faith, based on where He told the Christians at Thyatira, “I know your deeds, your love and faith, your service and perseverance, and that you are now doing more than you did at first”(Revelation 2:19).
Am I… Continue
Added by Amanda on May 22, 2015 at 1:00pm —
I'm not med free, anymore, and it bothers me because I know that research shows that talk therapy (counseling) is more effective in re-wiring the brain, or at least in re-working it, so that mental wounds are actually dealt with in a way that they might heal even while they are causing the depression that is leading to the chemical imbalance, and, unlike drugs, it works without the threat of dangerous side effects, but I needed more serotonin (the neurotransmitter that transmits good feelings)… Continue
Added by Amanda on May 18, 2015 at 6:36pm —
Was it just coincidence?
A few days ago, both of the devotionals from which I've currently been reading and which are written by two different authors, for that specific day, were about Romans 8:28. Then I read from Spurgeon's Morning and Evening Devotional, and he stated in the evening one that "The sighs, the ignorance, the feebleness of the little ones of His flock draw forth His compassion," but I've never imagined that to be true. I've always viewed God as being angered by my… Continue
Added by Amanda on May 16, 2015 at 9:30am —
It's hard for me to separate what are my own plans and solutions from just surrendering to God's will. I think, at times, that maybe God always wants me to come up with solutions for myself, all by myself.
Maybe I'm wrong.
Maybe God really always wants to just work things out for us by… Continue
Added by Amanda on May 12, 2015 at 6:30pm —