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FINDING AND KEEPING A LIFE PARTNER

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Some of the topics we touch on: Dating ethics??? What about the very common practice of Online dating? 9 signs you've met the one. Can we or should we date and marry unbelievers? Searching for a 'Sole' Mate.

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For the Child of God who's' main priority is to please God, our main goal is to date and marry the person God wants for us. God's choice for us will forever be better than our own. An excellent relationship with Daddy will help us obtain the Spiritual discernment needed to make the right choice in this matter and lots of patience to wait upon His blessing.Pastor's please give us your thoughts about the whole dating issue.

I do not recall how I received the following, but I thought it would be great to share it:
FINDING AND KEEPING A LIFE PARTNER

When it comes to making the decision about choosing a life partner, no one wants to make a mistake. Yet, with a divorce rate of close to 50%, it appears that many are making serious mistakes in their approach to finding Mr./Miss. Right! If you ask most couples who are engaged why they're getting married, they'll say: "We're in love"; I believe this is the #1 mistake people make when they date. Choosing a life partner should never be based on love alone. Though this may sound "not politically correct",there' s a profound truth here. Love is not the (only) basis for getting married. Rather, love is the result of a good marriage. When the other ingredients are right, then the love will come. Let me say it again: "You can't build a lifetime relationship on love alone"; You need a lot more!!! Here are five questions you must ask yourself if you're serious about finding and keeping a life partner.

QUESTION ..1: Do we share a common life purpose?
Why is this so important? Let me put it this way: If you're married for 20 or 30 years, that's a long time to live with someone. What do you plan to do with each other all that time? Travel, eat and jog together? You need to share something deeper and more meaningful. You need a common life purpose.
Two things can happen in a marriage: (1) You can grow together, or (2) you can grow apart. 50% of the people out there are growing apart. To make a marriage work, you need to know what you want out of life! Bottom line; and marry someone who wants the same thing.

QUESTION .. 2: Do I feel safe expressing my feelings and thoughts with this person?
This question goes to the core of the quality of your relationship. Feeling safe means you can communicate openly with this person. The basis of having good communication is trust - i.e. trust that I won't get "punished" ; or hurt for expressing my honest thoughts and feelings. A colleague of mine defines an abusive person as someone with whom you feel afraid to express your thoughts and feelings. Be honest with yourself on this one. Make sure you feel emotionally safe with the person you plan to marry.

QUESTION .. 3: Is he/she a mensch?
A mensch is someone who is a refined and sensitive person. How can you test? Here are some suggestions. Do they work on personal growth on a regular basis? Are they serious about improving themselves? A teacher of mine defines a good person as "someone who is always striving to be good and do the right ";.So ask about your Significant other What do they do with their time? Is this person materialistic? Usually a materialistic person is not someone whose top priority is character refinement. There are essentially two types of people in the world: (1) People who are dedicated to personal growth and (2) people who are dedicated to seeking comfort. Someone whose goal in life is to be comfortable will put personal comfort ahead of doing the right thing. You need to know that before walking down the aisle.

QUESTION 4: How does he/she treat other people?
The one most important thing that makes any relationship work is the ability to give. By giving, we mean the ability to give another person pleasure. Ask: Is this someone who enjoys giving pleasure to others or are they wrapped up in themselves and self-absorbed? To measure this, think about the following: How do
they treat people whom they do not have to be nice to, such as waiters, bus boys, taxi drivers, etc. . How do they treat their parents and siblings? Do they have gratitude and appreciation? If they don't have gratitude for the people who have given them everything; Can you do nearly as much for them? You can be sure that someone who treats others poorly, will eventually treat you poorly as well.

QUESTION .. 5: Is there anything I'm hoping to change about this person after we're married?
Too many people make the mistake of marrying someone with the intention of trying to "improve"; them after they're married. As a colleague of mine puts it: "You can probably expect someone to change after marriage for the worse" If you cannot fully accept this person the way they are now, then you are not ready to marry them.
In conclusion, dating doesn't have to be difficult and treacherous. The key is to try leading a little more with your head and less with your heart. It pays to be as objective as possible when you are dating; to be sure to ask questions that will help you get to the key issues. Falling in love is a great feeling, but when you wake up with a ring on your finger, you don't want to find yourself in trouble because you didn't do your homework.

Pay attention... .Which ones lift and which ones lean? Which ones
encourage and which ones discourage? Which ones are on a path of growth uphill and which ones are going downhill? When you leave certain people do you feel better or feel worse? Which ones always have drama or don't really understand, know, or appreciate you?

The more you seek quality, respect, growth, peace of mind, love and truth around you...the easier it will become for you to decide who gets to sit in the front row and who should be moved to the balcony of your life.
An African proverb states, "Before you get married, keep both eyes open, and after you marry, close one eye"; Before you get involved and make a commitment to someone, don't let lust, pity, desperation, immaturity, ignorance, pressure from others or a low self-esteem make you blind to warning signs. Keep your eyes open, and don't fool yourself that you can change someone or that what you see as faults aren't really that important.

Do you bring out the best in each other? Do you compliment and compromise with each other, or do you compete, compare and control? What do you bring to the relationship? Do you bring past relationships, past hurt, past mistrust, past pain? You can't take someone to the altar to alter them. You can't make someone love you or make someone stay. If you develop self-esteem,
spiritual discernment, and "a life"; you won't find yourself making someone else responsible for your happiness or responsible for your pain. Seeking status, sex, and security are the wrong
reasons to be in a relationship.

WHAT KEEPS A RELATIONSHIP STRONG ARE:

GOD - PRAYING AND STUDYING TOGETHER.

1. TRUST
2. COMMUNICATION
3. INTIMACY
4. A SENSE OF HUMOR
5. SHARING TASKS
6. SOME GETAWAY TIME WITHOUT BUSINESS OR CHILDREN
7. DAILY EXCHANGES (meal, shared activity, hug, call, touch, notes)
8. SHARING COMMON GOALS AND INTERESTS
9. GIVING EACH OTHER SPACE TO GROW WITHOUT FEELING INSECURE
10. GIVING EACH OTHER A SENSE OF BELONGING AND ASSURANCES OF COMMITMENT
(For us Christians -of course- God).

If these qualities are missing, the relationship will erode as
resentment withdrawal, abuse, neglect, and dishonesty; and pain will replace it.

I HAD THIS ARTICLE IN MY FILES BUT LOST THE REFERENCE OF WHERE I GOT IT FROM. I HAVE INFUSED INTO IT SOME PERSONAL TOUCHES HERE AND THERE BUT IS DOES NOT ORIGINATE ENTIRELY FROM ME.

Happiness keeps You Sweet,
Trials keep You Strong,
Sorrows keep You Human,
Failures keep You Humble,
Success keeps You Glowing,
But......... Only GOD KEEPS YOU GOING!

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Comment by David Velasquez on November 5, 2010 at 1:54am: Looly,

I hear you loud and clear sis. Our past can surely play a number on our present, but sis you have to believe the word. And to believe it, you must read it, for faith comes from reading it and hearing it.

2 Corinthians 5:17 (New International Version)
17 Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come:[a] The old has gone, the new is here!

Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes.1 Peter 3:3

Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is--his good, pleasing and perfect will. Romans 12:2

Do as the word instructs you and believe it sis.

Comment by David Velasquez on November 3, 2010 at 9:17pm

Comment by Looly on October 30, 2010 at 2:09am: Hi David,
The main reasons I thought I didn't want to marry anyone full stop was from my mixed up ideas of life I adopted as I grew into a young adult, influences from my society etc. My parents were married etc. I thought I was quite the deep thinker when I was younger I liked not being the norm and thinking independently as a young single woman. I thought I was an independent thinker but actually I my brain was acting as a sponge soaking up all of theses mixed up ideas of being a woman in my own right. In later years it's simply I don't want a lavish wedding with all the trimmings small meaningful and simple does it for me and I hold a deepening guilt & sorrow I didn't marry while my mum was alive. Also David it's weird how impressionable a young lady can be I remember when I was younger a friend of the family got married and my mum attended the ceremony. My mum described the bride as being most beautiful bride she had seen "a princess". Now I felt I could never match this girls beauty and that was something I wanted my mum to say about me so I decided not to get married because I didn't see myself worthy enough because of my excessive weight problem. This is quite depressing I'm sorry it's just been my life so far I have tended to avoid doing things in order to avoid hurt and dissappointment. Strangely enough though in the last few weeks I've been thinking more positive thoughts it's our love that matters and gods blessing of it. I'd still keep it simple though :)

Comment by David Velasquez on October 30, 2010 at 12:53am: Looly,
You are sharing in the correct place my sister. The following is my private opinion and in no way does it represent AAG in any way, shape or form. This is my opinion as a servant of God:

It is never good to marry an unbeliever, we are not to be unequally yoked 2 Cor. 6, but your scenario sounds at this time far better to marry than to not marry. Marry the gentlemen attend church together. As you stated yourself sis you are not ignorant of God's commands in this area of life and so your union can be bless you need to obey God first and foremost. He will work it all out if you continue to seek Him and to run to Him.

Start doing things God's way and you will see the enormous blessings that come your way for surrendering to Him.

What keeps you from marrying the guy?

Blessings

Comment by David Velasquez on October 30, 2010 at 12:43am: Soldier,

We recently complete a spiritual retreat (men one weekend, women the followin weekend) God touched me in ways that He had never touched me before

Satan will do everything he is allowed to do by our Lord to keep you from a real relationship and it all works together to help you grow, but only if you abide in Christ.

John 8:31-32 (New International Version)

31 To the Jews who had believed him, Jesus said, "If you hold to my teaching, you are really my disciples. 32 Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.

Who is speaking here?"Jesus said"The perfect one, the Alpha and Omega, the Holy one, the creator of heaven and earth, Our King, Lord and Savior. Wow!!!! The one that cannot lie.

1. If you hold to my word/teaching - condition

What does it make you?
2. you are really my disciples.

What will happened then?

you will know the truth. What truth? The truth about everything pertaining to God and Godliness.

And then what happens?

3. the truth will set you free.

Free from what? From everything that wants to keep you down and enslaved.

Break Free with the Word.
The Christian life is to be the best life any human can have on earth. Paul even with all the trials and tribulations would have not change a bit of it. Christianity is exciting, IT'S BEAUTIFUL. GOD MAKES US BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE (of course then there me, hahahaha a knuckle head, but don't be a knuckle head hehe).

Surrender to the will of God, He loves you and He is faithful. He knows your heart and it's desires and if you seek Him and all His righteousness all else will be added onto you. Matthew 6:33

My word for you is abide in Christ all esle He will work out for His glory and your Joy in your life.

Blessings to you Soldier and thank you for being out there as a peace keeper.

Comment by David Velasquez on October 30, 2010 at 12:36am: Grazer Sounds lke the Lord has you in instense training at the moment. Hand in there. She is out there getting ready for a wild man like you hahaha

Love to you.

Just prefer to not be single lol

Comment by Looly on October 28, 2010 at 8:39am: I'm new here so please forgive me if I am writing in the wrong place. I am a returning Christian and I mean literally recently returning to the Lord, I made so many mistakes in my life and ungodly mistakes at that. I recently accepted Jesus back into my heart with a lovely lady spreading gods word on bus on my way home from work. I have 2 children born out of wedlock but still gifts from God all the same. I live with my partner but we arenot married. He is a lovely man it has been me who has rejected the idea of marriage for different reasons I cannot now justify I was simply being naive. I know he is the right one for me and my new life with God as he was very happy for me meeting that lady on the bus the other week. He understands my need to pray and seek Gods help, if I ask him to pray for me he says o.k and has said on the past he would like to attend church. I just feel he would not stand in my way and over time would accept Jesus into his life once he got to understand how his love teachings and faithfulness to him works in our lives. He believes in God he was brought up in a rather condensed version of the faith I was brought up in, I was brought up in an Evangelical and Church of England. I have found my life partner I feel we can look forward to a future of marriage and Christian fellowship. Please pray for us. Thank you Lord bless you all. Amen

Comment by Soldier on October 27, 2010 at 10:03am: Say David, I've been a little scattered brain lately. Here's facts without the fluff. Yes, my wife left for another man. Yes, I made numerous attempts to ask her back. No, I do not hold resentment to the other guy. I wasnt married to him. I was/am married to her.
We recently complete a spiritual retreat (men one weekend, women the followin weekend) God touched me in ways that He had never touched me before. No, He always stood ready, I finally ALLOWED my heart to ask Him to touch me. My wife, outwardly, showed no signs that she was willing to accept what the Holy Spirit had to offer her.
I agree with with what God has shown me, what you are saying, and what many other friends and spiritual leaders have shared with me. I chose to attempt to save the marriage, she is choosing to run from it. I cannot be responsible for her side of this.
I had a Chaplain that explained how so much pain was/is associated when God is preparing to share His mercy and grace. From Genisis to Revelation, it's everywhere in between. What the Chaplain asked, yes, achnowledging divorce is bad, however, "have you considered that God is bringing you through this pain of loosing a 21 year marriage to have you better prepared for what special relationship He is preparing you for in the future?"
There is a peice of my heart that has been captured. I am struggling so hard, looking at the wordly/physical obstacles that exist, while at the same time, acknowleding the specific events, times, emotions, level of conversations, individual relationships with God the Father that HE has presented in this "peice of the heart" that has been captured. My flesh is not letting me say "Thank You God for such a sweet and rich blessing!" and allowing more emotion to flow out of me. When, with no doubt in my mind, things occured that ONLY HE COULD HAVE DONE! I am so garded from the past. This is so scary. I dont know where to go with this.
I just changed wording from "us" to "I". It was agreed last night, we have to individually pursue God's guidance on this first. What words does God have for you to share? Brother, I dont know you, but sometimes words from folks we dont know mean the most. THank You.

Comment by David Velasquez on October 27, 2010 at 1:14am: Soldier,

Was not trying to ignore you my brother just needed some time to get my thoughts together.

No idea how many of you may be on the relationship "after the first".
I don't follow you with that statement so I will not comment on it except for saying that if you could give me a bit more of info as to what you mean by it, I will be glad to comment on it.

Is your wife a Christian bro? Are you saying that she is having an affair?

There is nothing, absolutely nothing impossible for our God and He hates divorce, but it sounds like you have grounds for the only acceptable reason to. However God loves to turn things around for His glory when we rest in Him.

Blessings to you my brother.

Comment by David Velasquez on October 26, 2010 at 1:54am: Amen lkobe you got it.

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FINDING AND KEEPING A LIFE PARTNER

Information

Discussion Forum

What Is Courtship?

God Works in Mysterious Ways..LoL!

Can we just allow God to work and let's stop all efforts of finding and keeping a life partner?

What about the very common practice of Online dating?

Why Your Spouse May Irritate You ?

Christ Centered Relationships Pt 1

Is flirting harmless?

finding and keeping a life partner

Can we or should we date and marry unbelievers?

Pure or Dirty.......What's the difference?

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