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Comment by BRONX on July 16, 2008 at 1:30am

How Do You Resolve Conflicts in a Biblical Way?


Is your marriage struggling with multiple conflicts that seem to never get resolved? Are you sick and tired of arguing about the same things over and over again? Are you wondering if there is a way to ever solve these problems? If you are, then this publication is exactly what you are looking for.

There is a way to resolve conflicts with your spouse. If there is anyone who knows how to solve marital problems it's the One who created marriage. The One who created you has revealed this plan in His Word. How do you do it? What is needed to resolve the conflicts in your marriage?

First, you must be willing to resolve the conflicts. The willingness to actually do something about the conflicts between you and your mate is the most important place to start. In marriage counseling, this is the first question I usually ask a couple: "Are you willing to do whatever the Bible requires to resolve this conflict?" The answer to this question reveals very quickly whether anything will be accomplished in our time together. Before you read this article, you must determine the same thing. Are you willing to resolve the conflicts between you and your spouse? Are you willing to take the Biblical steps that God requires of you?

With two willing hearts there is no problem that can't be solved. God promises in His Word that all He is looking for is a willing heart to obey Him, and His blessings will flow out to you. He promised His people, "If you are willing and obedient, you shall eat of the good of the land"(Is. 1:19). Then He warned them, "But if you refuse and rebel, you shall be devoured by the sword; for the mouth of the Lord has spoken"(Is. 1:20). Notice the importance God has placed on this one attitude of the heart. Start here brothers and sisters. Ask God to give you a willing heart to resolve the conflicts. You may even have to start with asking God to give you a willingness to be made willing. He can do this too!

Second, you must be willing to ask God for help. Jesus said to His disciples, "Watch and pray, lest you enter into temptation. The spirit indeed is willing, but the flesh is weak" (Matt. 26:41). Even though Jesus knew that His disciples had a willingness to follow Him, He also knew the weakness of their flesh. This is why He encouraged them to pray. He knew that only the power of the Holy Spirit could rule over the weakness of the flesh.

Do you realize how weak and insufficient you are in your own strength to do what God requires? If you do, ask Him now to empower you with His Spirit to help you to lovingly seek reconciliation with your mate. Where you are weak, He will make you strong (2 Cor. 12:9,10)!

If you are not a Christian or you have not been walking with Him, He still loves you and wants to help you turn your marriage around. Yet, you must have a personal relationship with Him to enlist His aid. You can't ask for His benefits and resources and have nothing to do with Him. You wouldn't want mere acquaintances to come and ask you for money and help if they weren't your friends, and the same is true of God. If you want God's help you have to be more than His acquaintance; you need a love relationship with Him. Then, He will give you His life inside your soul to enable you to do what He commands.

This change of relationship with Jesus also entails willingness. Jesus said of many in His day, "But you are not willing to come to Me that you may have life" (John 5:40). Are you willing to come to Him, to turn from your life of independence to one of trusting Him? Are you willing to turn from your sin and rebellion to follow Him? He died to forgive you and longs to pardon you right now. Ask Him to come in and take over your heart and life. As you reconcile with Him, you will be able to reconcile with your spouse.

Third, you must be willing to please God. This is essential before you begin to try to take any practical action in the process of reconciliation. The desire to please God will instantly motivate you to action that you would never ordinarily take. When Paul the Apostle wrote to the Thessalonian church he urged them regarding how they "ought to walk and to please God" (1 Thess. 4:1). Notice, he associated their correct walk with the desire to please God.

This attitude is so important because the basic problem in every marriage is that desire to please self. Many conflicts are simply the result of selfishness, self-will, or self-righteousness. According to James, self is the root of every conflict and evil that occurs in any relationship, "Where envy and self-seeking exist, confusion and every evil thing will be there" (James 3:16). Therefore, to deal with your selfish desires you need a higher motivation, that of pleasing the Father.

When you choose to please God, you strike at the root of your problems. If you obey God's Word, you can't help but please Him in every way. With this attitude, a willing heart, and the power of the Holy Spirit, you are now ready to take these practical steps:

1. You must restrain your anger. This is a choice you must make with every conflict that occurs because explosive anger is the primary reason that nothing gets resolved. Many have said to me, "Steve, I just can't control my temper." Yet, this statement is in direct contradiction to what Scripture declares. When Paul was in prison for false charges made against him, he could have been very angry and depressed; but instead, he said, "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me" (Phil. 4:13). Controlling his emotions and his anger were undoubtedly some of the "all things" he refers to in this text. You can control your anger too, if you will ask God for His help. He has the strength you need to do what you find impossible. Solomon said, "It is honorable for a man to stop striving, since any fool can start a quarrel" (Prov. 20:3). Also, "He who is slow to anger is better than the mighty, and he who rules his spirit than he who takes a city" (Prov. 16:32). Restraining your anger is one way to stop a quarrel from ever starting in the first place. Likewise, once an argument has started, you still have the choice to stop it. You must rule your own spirit instead of letting your spirit rule you. This takes greater spiritual might and strength than it does to take a city in war.

But how can you restrain your anger? Where do you get this greater might to control your spirit? By a choice to ask God for help and by your personal surrender to the power of the Holy Spirit. You make the choice to please God by stopping the escalation of your anger. Take a five minute time out for prayer so you can calm down. Remember, it's not by your might or by your power, but by His Spirit (Zech. 4:6). Your anger is a powerful force, but His Spirit is even more powerful. Have you experienced His greater power? It's there for you.

2. You must listen instead of trying to only prove your point. This skill is only possible when your anger is under the control of the Holy Spirit.

When your mate tells you something he or she is upset about, do you interrupt? Do you try to answer your loved one's concerns before he or she has even finished talking? Are you really listening, or merely thinking about how to answer? These are all signs that you aren't listening. If you aren't a good listener, you won't be a very good communicator because you haven't really understood what your spouse has said. If you constantly hear your mate declare, "No, that's not what I mean," or, "You don't understand what I'm saying," you probably don't! If you don't understand what your spouse is saying, how can you resolve anything?

The Scripture commands you to be "swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath" (James 1:19). The more you listen, the slower you will speak. The slower you speak, the easier it will be to restrain your wrath and anger. Try it! The next argument you have, try listening and waiting until your spouse is completely finished, then respond. You'll be amazed at how your anger will be controlled.

3. You must confess your faults instead of blameshifting. When there is a conflict between you and your mate, first determine your part in the disagreement. Is it your attitude, your tone of voice, your actions, or your choice of words that started the conflict? You should confess these things sincerely before you ever discuss your mate's faults. Jesus said, "Why do you look at the speck in your brother's eye, but do not consider the plank in your own eye?...Hypocrite! First remove the plank from your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck out of your brothers eye" (Matt. 7:3,5).

Honesty is the fastest way to resolve any conflict. Why? Because when you first humbly acknowledge your faults, your spouse doesn't have to spend all that time trying to convince you what you've done wrong. Plus, it's hypocritical of you to blame your spouse for the whole problem when you can't even see your own faults. Notice the hypocrisy of Adam and Eve when they shifted the blame for their own sin. "The woman you gave to be with me, she gave me of the tree, and I ate." Eve also shifted the blame when she declared, "The serpent deceived me, and I ate" (Gen. 3:12,13). We can see blameshifting easily in others, why is it we can't see our own?

Ask God to search your heart, right now, that you may first see your own faults. Then, as James says, "Confess your trespasses to one another and pray one for another..." (James 5:16), and you will be amazed at how easily you can resolve your marital conflicts.

4. Take action quickly. Jesus said, "Agree with your adversary quickly..." (Matt. 5:25). There are many reasons why this is an essential aspect in conflict resolution.

First, as time passes the facts get distorted. It isn't long before you can't remember who did or said what. Then the argument may shift to fighting over distorted facts. This solves nothing. The best time to solve a conflict is today!

Also, the longer you wait to resolve a conflict, the harder your heart can get. This is why the author of Hebrews said with urgency, "Today if you will hear His voice, do not harden your hearts as in the rebellion..." (Heb. 3:7,8). Paul also knew this tendency of man's heart to harden over time and commanded, "Do not let the sun go down on your wrath..." (Eph. 4:26). In other words, don't let even one day pass when anger is in your heart. Don't go to bed that way! Resentment and anger in your heart will only harden you more and more, and ultimately will hinder you from solving even the simplest problems.

Don't be the person who allows weeks, months, or even years to go by without resolving conflicts. You will always be the loser.

5. Ask forgiveness for your sin. To forgive is not an option; it is a command. Jesus said, "Whenever you stand praying, if you have anything against anyone, forgive him, that your Father in heaven may also forgive you your trespasses. But if you do not forgive, neither will your Father in heaven forgive your trespasses" (Mark 11:25,26). This statement is all-inclusive; "anything against anyone" would include all that is happening with you and your spouse right now.

Forgiveness is a choice, not a feeling; a choice to please and obey God. You will never feel like forgiving anyone. The feeling of forgiveness only comes after you choose to forgive. No one deserves to be forgiven anymore than you do. Therefore, "be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God in Christ also forgave you" (Eph. 4:32).

Make the choice right now! Choose to show mercy and forgive. Then ask God to forgive you for holding resentment against your mate. This will enable you to find the solutions you are looking for in your marriage.

6. Tell your partner with the proper attitude and motive what action or attitude has offended you. After you have taken the above steps, you may now state your case if your spouse has not already confessed his or her own faults. This must be done with gentle words as opposed to harsh words. "A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger" (Prov. 15:1).

The last thing you want to do at this point is to stir up more anger. Come with soft words of reconciliation as you discuss how your mate has offended you. There are always two sides to a conflict. Both sides must be dealt with completely.

When Jesus taught His disciples about resolving conflicts, He gave them a goal. He said, "If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he hears you, you have gained your brother" (Matt. 18:15). The goal is to gain your brother, and this means you must come with that attitude and desire. If you come with yelling, finger-pointing, and accusations, merely venting your own frustrations, the results will be far from profitable, and you won't gain a right relationship with your spouse.

7. Find agreement through compromise. The goal on the vertical plane is to please God; the goal on the horizontal plane is to find an agreement. Remember the command of Jesus we looked at earlier to "agree with your adversary" (Matt. 5:25)? Agreement is found as you choose to give in and compromise in areas in which you have been stubbornly selfish. This will please God and demonstrate love toward your mate.

The Prophet Amos asked the question, "Can two walk together, unless they are agreed?" (Amos 3:3). Amos was reproving God's people for their disobedience and unwillingness to agree with God about their sin. The Apostle John believed the same. He said, "If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins..." (1 John 1:9) The word "confess" means to "agree with." When you confess your sins, you are agreeing with God, and this enables you to walk with Him. God will never force His will upon you. He waits for you to come into agreement with Him.

The same thing is true with your spouse. When you both confess your faults, you find immediate agreement together. This agreement is what enables you to find a lasting compromise where you have previously demanded your own way. Compromise is loving agreement to give, not demand. Forcing and imposing your will, is nothing but pride and selfishness on your part. This will reconcile nothing between you!

8. Take action even if your spouse will not. This is what God did with you. He demonstrated "His own love toward us, in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us"(Rom. 5:8) Christ took the action of love even when we were still in rebellion against Him. If we are to love others as He has loved us, then we must do the same (John 13:34).

When you take action to love and change what you're doing wrong, this brings powerful encouragement to provoke your spouse to love you and to change too (Heb. 10:24). Jesus said, "Whatever you want men to do to you, do also to them..." (Matt. 7:12). Apply this principle to your marriage. How do you want your spouse to act toward you? Take this action toward him or her. Take this action today!

9. What should you do if your spouse doesn't respond? Be patient, pray, and don't give up! Some people take longer to respond than others. This, again, is the posture that God has taken toward you. He is "longsuffering toward us, not willing that any should perish but that all should come to repentance" (2 Peter 3:9). So also, "you have need of endurance, so that after you have done the will of God, you may receive the promise" (Heb. 10:36).

You must be patient because most heated arguments are not resolved by just one conversation. If you wait and pray and there is still no response after a short time, go again and ask your mate to consider the issues you have previously discussed. Continue to pray that God would cause your loved one to yield to the truth and take action. If your partner brings other issues to you in which you have been offending, follow the above steps again.

Remember God's love continually seeks reconciliation with man. His love in you will do the same! Seek reconciliation!

If you need further help in resolving any of these issues, don't wait; see your pastor as soon as possible.

Comment by BRONX on July 14, 2008 at 12:20pm

Greetings in jesus name

just recieved an email and thought that i should share it with you.

"Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and
unsearchable things you do not know." Jeremiah 33:3

How many of us are guilty of not following the instructions? I'm
talking about the instructions we get when we read God's Word.
The instructions on how to live our lives and how to love
unconditionally and how to turn the other cheek. Some of us
don't even read the instructions. We think we know what we're
doing and can do it on our own. But one thing I have learned in
this stand is that I cannot do it on my own. On my own, I am
weak. On my own, I am confused. On my own I do and say things I
shouldn't. But in God's strength, I can do all things.

"No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through
him who loved us." Romans 8:37

"I can do everything through him who gives me strength."
Philippians 4:13

Walking in God's strength we can do this thing called standing.
Jesus is always there with us, whether we acknowledge it or not.
With Him by our side we can put one foot in front of the other
and know we will not stumble. We can find our way in the dark by
the light of His love. We can make it through this deep valley
and face the mountains ahead. We can climb the steepest hill and
traverse the rockiest road because He walks beside us. We can
hope and believe and trust even when things look impossible. We
can know that when we are too weak or too weary to walk on our
own, He will carry us.

"You, O LORD, keep my lamp burning; my God turns my darkness
into light. With your help I can advance against a troop; with
my God I can scale a wall. As for God, his way is perfect; the
word of the LORD is flawless. He is a shield for all who take
refuge in him. For who is God besides the LORD? And who is
the Rock except our God? It is God who arms me with strength
and makes my way perfect. He makes my feet like the feet of a
deer; he enables me to stand on the heights. He trains my hands
for battle; my arms can bend a bow of bronze. You give me your
shield of victory, and your right hand sustains me; you stoop
down to make me great. You broaden the path beneath me, so
that my ankles do not turn." Psalm 18:28-36

The Bible is our instruction manual for life. Spending time in
His Word each day gives us guidance and instruction as we walk
this narrow road. God will often illuminate a piece of scripture
that we have read countless times before and somehow we know it
is His instruction or comfort or strength. Go to God's Word
with all your questions and concerns. Not just the big ones like
how do I stand for my marriage and what do I pray for. But go to
Him with the little problems, too. The questions about finances
or your children or a job change or what to do about this or
about that. God loves to hear from His children. And He loves
to answer them.

"All this also comes from the LORD Almighty, wonderful in
counsel and magnificent in wisdom." Isaiah 28:29

"But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure;
then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and
good fruit, impartial and sincere." James 3:17

It's not enough just to read and hear God's instructions. We
have to follow them, too. We need to be doers of the Word, not
just readers. Many of us, myself included, are guilty of
selective reading and selective listening. Sometimes we hear
what we want to hear, not what we need to hear. We like those
things that "tickle our ears" but don't want to hear those things
that call us to account.

"Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves.
Do what it says. Anyone who listens to the word but does not do
what it says is like a man who looks at his face in a mirror
and, after looking at himself, goes away and immediately
forgets what he looks like. But the man who looks intently into
the perfect law that gives freedom, and continues to do this,
not forgetting what he has heard, but doing it—he will be
blessed in what he does." James 1:22-25

Some of us are ready to quit on our stands. We're confused and perplexed
and just plain tired of all the work. But how do we know what is
happening on the other side of our mountain? How do we know how
close our prodigals may be to our door? How do we know that
heart of stone isn't starting to soften? How will we know unless
we read to the end? Our miracle may be just outside the door.
Our promise fulfilled may be just one prayer away. Our answer
may be even now on its way. But we won't know that unless we
persevere to the end.

"Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time
we will reap a harvest if we do not give up." Galatians 6:9
god bless

Comment by BRONX on July 12, 2008 at 1:01pm

Greetings in jesus name my dear brother Bob

Thank you so much for your words of advice,there is one answer and one answer only to a marriage restoration and that answer is our lord and savour jesus christ he can turn any situation around,jesus said to his diciple ask any thing in my name believing it so it shall be done for you by our father in heaven, what a powerful verse, we need to perserver and believe what we ask for in prayer it has already been done for you by our heavenly father, god has already answered our prayers and we need to start thanking him now not when the maricle has happened, thank him in advance befors the maricle happens.OUR GOD IS AN AWESOME GOD AND HE REIGNS FROM THE HEAVENS ABOVE.

GOD BLESS

Comment by Bob B on July 12, 2008 at 2:38am

Bronx, god bless you for your commitment for the restoration of your marraige. I have the same resolve to stand for the restoration of my marraige. Yesterday was my 27 anniversery. We are not divorced after two years of separation, We have lived in the same house in separate apartments for a year. Slowly our relationship is growing. I will not even except divorce unless she is remarried. Divorce is not the way when their is forgiveness and god in our lives.
Bob

Comment by BRONX on July 11, 2008 at 11:07pm

A Standers Affirmation
I AM STANDING FOR THE HEALING OF MY MARRIAGE!... I will not give up,
give in, give out or give over 'til that healing takes place. I made a vow, I said the words,
I gave the pledge, I gave a ring, I took a ring, I gave myself, I trusted GOD, and said the
words, and meant the words... in sickness and in health, in sorrow and in joy, for better or
for worse, for richer or for poorer, in good times and in bad...so I am standing NOW, and
will not sit down, let down, slow down, calm down, fall down, look down or be down 'til
the breakdown is torn down!
I refuse to put my eyes on outward circumstances, or listen to prophets of doom, or buy
into what is trendy, worldly, popular, convenient, easy, quick, thrifty, or advantageous...
nor will I settle for a cheap imitation of God's real thing, nor will I seek to lower God's
standard, twist God's will, rewrite God's word, violate God's covenant, or accept what
God hates, namely divorce!
In a world of filth, I will stay pure; surrounded by lies I will speak the truth; where
hopelessness abounds, I will hope in God: where revenge is easier, I will bless instead of
curse; and where the odds are stacked against me, I will trust in God's faithfulness.
I am a STANDER, and I will not acquiesce, compromise, quarrel or quit.. I have made
the choice, set my face, entered the race, believed the Word, and trusted God for all the
outcome.
I will allow neither the reaction of my spouse, nor the urging of my friends, nor the
advice of my loved ones, nor economic hardship, nor the prompting of the devil to make
me let up, slow up, blow up, or give up 'til my marriage is healed.

GOD BLESS

Comment by Nienie on June 15, 2008 at 2:43pm

Gloria
Will pray for you know how difficult this is for you and it is difficult to say just be strong, but I can assure you that our Father will strengthen you when you stay close to Him for He is the ultimate Healer of soul and body!!Will pray for you friend.

Paula indeed a divorce is no joke, for surely no one gets into marriage with the intention to seperate again, a difficult time for everyone dealing with it, like someone said it feels like your spouse has died but with the difference you still see him, but the aching is harder for you have to share him with someone else, rather than to know he is in heaven!But you are so right God is indeed the healer of our hearts after such a painful experience and he carries you through it, just let Him be with you!!

Gail will pray for you, the empty feeling is so intense!
Be strong friend our Father will hold you and teh kids in His loving arms and HE will still the pain in your hearts. Deal with your pain, for we all are humans, JEsus also grieve over Lazarus, take the time to grieve but let God heal your heart and fills you again with peace and eventually joy again in Him.

BLessings to all!!! Nienie

Comment by Bob B on June 11, 2008 at 8:54am

Gail you are in my prayers, may Gods loving presence comfort you as you walk through your grief and loss.
Bob

Comment by Paula on May 29, 2008 at 10:05am

I seperated from my husband of 13 years in 2002 and our divorce was final in 2005. Someone once told me that some divorces can be so easy, not so sure I agree with this...Divorces destroy, however you can put yourself back together and move on with time and healing from God and support from others who have gone through the struggles of going through a divorce and raising children that are caught in the middle of a divorce. God allows us to experience things to be an encourager to others, not saying that if you don't go through something you can't encourage, however when there are others who relate to you it's so much easier. My heart breaks for some of the stories I have read and God does heal...Healing is not always instant........God is the bandaid of all our hurts and hangups!!!! Blessings!!!!!

Comment by Bob B on May 8, 2008 at 12:16pm

Gloria, your story is so heart breaking and now that you have shared it here you will have others who will help share your burden. Gloria I believe God has led you to AllaboutGod and to this support group. Every one of us has made mistakes and no one here will judge you. The first step for any one is to find help from The Lord. I do not know if you have been born again yet or not. If you haven’t you might take a look at the group; Building a Sure Foundation for Christian Growth. We want to be of help any way we can. We have some wonderful Pastors also that will help you too. God told me to stand no more alone in my battles a couple of years ago and because I obeyed Him it has made all the difference for me.

Comment by Gloria on May 2, 2008 at 4:48am

My spouse and I have actually been divorced since 1989 but the same week our divorce was final, we moved back in together, never re-married and it was a long road of lies, adultery, heartbreak and incarceration. There were good times but few and far inbetween. Now 3 kids, and 23 yrs later I decided to walk away, I coulnd't take it anymore. Before I was even packed good he had started an affair with a coworker (who I later found out was the owner of the company's sister) and just let me walk. Did nothing to try to keep me or fight for me (no willingness to change him self or change the situations that were taking place) I was having a really hard time with that. There's been alot that happened in the last few months, phone calls and visits and blow-ups. He's told me he still loves me and always will and at one point thought I thought he was doing better and maybe things would work out, yet he continued his other realtionship as well. It's been 6 months and it's a little easier now but the thoughts of everything about this whole situation consume me on a daily basis. I so desire release from this situation and peace and joy so badly. I am desperately trying to move forward. Please pray for me.

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