The Joy of the Lord is our strengh.

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Comment by RoyW on August 3, 2010 at 5:08am

Mary,

Probably the funniest that ever happened to me in church was the evening I was attempting to teach on the soul and spirit. It was back in the day before there were computers, projectors and good graphics available. All I had was a chalk board and plenty of chalk (this was even before the dry erase era). I was very young but still pretty sure of my theology. So, I began the teaching. I was attempting to draw a picture of a man showing his distinct soul and spirit. The drawing was so bad I scraped the attempt and resorted to stick figures. The more I tried the worse things got. Before long I had deacons on the floor laughing at my figures. After about ten or fifteen minutes of that, this young minister just gave up. That sermon was over. I couldn't get the group back. Even my wife encouraged me to just give it up. Needless to say, I never tried that again. From then on, my chalk board was used only for words which were bad enough. When the computer came along, I grabbed one since the overhead didn't help much since they still required my artistic skills which are zero.

Roy

Comment by RoyW on July 22, 2010 at 6:20pm

I thought I would share my daily exercise routine with Mary's husband.

Again, this is only intended for a few.

Comment by RoyW on July 21, 2010 at 4:43pm

Here is one for all those over 60. You young guys will never understand.

FOR A GOOD LAUGH

I thought about the 30 year business I ran with 1800 employees, all without a Blackberry that played music, took videos, pictures and communicated with Facebook and Twitter.

I signed up under duress for Twitter and Facebook, so my seven kids, their spouses, 13 grandkids and 2 great grand kids could communicate with me in the modern way. I figured I could handle something as simple as Twitter with only 140 characters of space.

That was before one of my grandkids hooked me up for Tweeter, Tweetree, Twhirl, Twitterfon, Tweetie and Twittererific Tweetdeck, Twitpix and something that sends every message to my cell phone and every other program within the texting world.

My phone was beeping every three minutes with the details of every thing except the bowel movements of the entire next generation. I am not ready to live like this. I keep my cell phone in the garage in my golf bag.

The kids bought me a GPS for my last birthday because they say I get lost every now and then going over to the grocery store or library. I keep that in a box under my tool bench with the Blue tooth [it's red] phone I am supposed to use when I drive. I wore it once and was standing in line at Barnes and Noble talking to my wife as everyone in the nearest 50 yards was glaring at me. Seems I have to take my hearing aid out to use it,
and I got a little loud.

I mean the GPS looked pretty smart on my dash board, but the lady inside was the most annoying, rudest person I had run into in a long time. Every 10 minutes, she would sarcastically say, "Re-calc-ul-ating". You would think that she could be nicer. It was like she could barely tolerate me. She would let go with a deep sigh and then tell me to make a U-tur n at the next light. Then when I would make a right turn instead, it was not good.

To be perfectly frank, I am still trying to learn how to use the cordless phones in our house. We have had them for 4 years, but I still haven't figured out how I can lose three phones all at once and have run around digging under chair cushions and checking bathrooms and the dirty laundry baskets when the phone rings.

The world is just getting too complex for me. They even mess me up every time I go to the grocery store. You would think they could settle on something themselves but this sudden "Paper or Plastic?" every time I check out just knocks me for a loop. I bought some of those cloth reusable bags to avoid looking confused, but I never remember to take them in with me.

Now I toss it back to them. When they ask me, "Paper or Plastic?" I just say, "Doesn't matter to me. I am bi-sacksual." Then it's their turn to stare at me with a blank look.

I was recently asked if I tweet. I answered, No, but I do toot a lot."

Comment by David Velasquez on July 16, 2010 at 6:24pm

Late For Class
A little girl, dresses in her "Sunday best" was late and running to her Sunday school class. As she ran, she prayed, "Dear God, please don't let me be late. Dear God, please don't let me be late." Then she fell.

She got up, dusted her self off and saw that her dress was now dirty and had a little tear. She started running again, still praying, "Dear God, please don't let me be late." But this time she added, "But please don't push me, either!"

Comment by RoyW on July 15, 2010 at 2:00pm

This one was sent by e-mail to me. It's probably already on here.

FORREST GUMP GOES TO HEAVEN

The day finally arrived.
Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven.
He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself.
However, the gates are closed, and Forrest approaches the gatekeeper.

St. Peter said, 'Well, Forrest, it is certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we have been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can get into Heaven.'

Forrest responds, 'It sure is good to be here, St. Peter, sir. But nobody ever told me about any entrance exam. I sure hope that the test ain't too hard. Life was a big enough test as it was.'

St . Peter continued, 'Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions.

First: What two days of the week begin with the letter T?

Second: How many seconds are there in a year?

Third: What is God's first name?'

Forrest leaves to think the questions over.

He returns the next day and sees St. Peter, who waves him up, and says,
'Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers.'

Forrest replied, 'Well, the first one -- which two days in the week begins with the letter 'T'?
Shucks, that one is easy. That would be Today and Tomorrow..'

The Saint's eyes opened wide and he exclaimed, 'Forrest, that is not what I was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I did not specify, so I will give you credit for that answer.

How about the next one?' asked St. Peter. 'How many seconds in a year?

Now that one is harder,'replied Forrest, ' but I thunk and thunk about that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve.'

Astounded, St. Peter said, 'Twelve? Twelve? Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?'

Forrest replied, 'Shucks, there's got to be twelve:

January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd... '

'Hold it,' interrupts St. Peter. 'I see where you are going with this, and I see your point, though that was not quite what I had in mind.... but I will have to give you credit for that one, too. Let us go on with the third and final question.

Can you tell me God's first name'?

'Sure,' Forrest replied, 'it's Andy.'

'Andy?' exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St Peter.

'Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?'

'Shucks, that was the easiest one of all,' Forrest replied. 'I learnt it from the song,

ANDY WALKS WITH ME,

ANDY TALKS WITH ME,

ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN.'

St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates, and said: 'Run, Forrest, run.'

Comment by David Velasquez on July 10, 2010 at 2:11pm

If anyone is offended by the video, let me know and i will take it off. I think is very funny. I visit a lot of churches so i can relate to what our sis is talking about.

Comment by Brandi P on July 8, 2010 at 9:07am

Good stuff Mary

Comment by Steve on June 30, 2010 at 2:56am

lol , Very funny Mary Acts 2:38
The scripture can deliver us not only spiritually but also physically.
God bless U.

Comment by David Velasquez on June 5, 2010 at 8:30pm

Comment by David Velasquez on June 5, 2010 at 8:28pm

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