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All About GOD - Growing Relationships with Jesus and Others

Please bless us with clean Christian jokes so we can exercise the tummy. :)

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Guide to American Christianity :-)
from Quadrilateral Thoughts by Ken Schenck

Baptists - American Christians

Pentecostals - Baptists who speak in tongues

Methodists - Insecure Baptists

Anabaptists - Baptists who don't fight back

Presbyterians - Baptists who read

Reformed - Elect Baptists

Lutherans - Baptists who baptize infants

Episcopalians - Baptists who completely disagree with everything Baptist

Catholics - European Christians who came to America

Orthodox - European Christians who didn't come to America
I strongly disagree with this assessment. This view is not historically accurate. The baptist denomination is what has come out of the anabaptist, anabaptist simply means "re-baptiser." In Europe, the anabaptist are the ones who held the Bible true, during the time when Catholic heretical teachings (infant baptism, transubstatiation, purgatory) were being set forward. They never believed in baptising infants, and transubstantiation, and salvation in baptism. they held true to what the Bible teaches, and what Jesus teaches about salvation.
The baptist tradition is not a part of any reformed, or protestant tradition because they held true to what the Bible taught from the start. Repentance and Faith in the Lord Jesus Christ. They took one look at the doctrines of these false, world religious systems and said, "These people are wrong, they are deceived and deceivers, we will believe the Bible, we will believe God." And they were notorious for rebaptising people who had been baptised as infants in this false world religious system, which were trusting in this for their salvation, having never understood them to be sinners in the eyes of God and in need of forgiveness. Christianity is not a religion, it is a relationship with Christ.
Good zeal, passion and information bro.

It was only for laughts - it was not meant to state facts or truth - the goal of it was simply to get a laugh.

Sorry it caused you stress hahaaha just kidding bro I am so glad you are informed. Good for you and the body young warrior.

Press on... You rock bro!
A woman died and descended into heaven. As she walked to the pearly gates of heaven, she saw St. Peter at the gate. St. Peter asked her, her domination. She answered "I don't have one". So St. Peter took her to different religions ,in separate rooms. First he open the door where the Baptist were. They were all drinking and having great time! Then St. Peter took her to the Methodist, they were dancing and having great time!!!! She looked at St. Peter with a surprised look. He then took her to the room where the Catholics were. They were just sitting around twiddling there thumbs! So she turns to St. Peter with another puzzled look. So He tells her that the Catholics were all partied out since they were able to do everything on earth. Contributed by S. Garcia in Texas
ACTUAL Church Bulletin Bloopers:

· Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Memorial Church in Racine. Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.

· “Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don’t forget your husbands.”

· "The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus."

· "Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered."

· The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to conflict.

· Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

· Don't let worry kill you. Let the Church help.

· Thursday night will be a potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.

· For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

·A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

·This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.

·Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
"Somebody said there are only two kinds of people in the world. There are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good morning, Lord," and there are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good Lord, it's morning."

A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter. Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. Forgive us our trespasses." When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation."

There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: "I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets."

While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign..."Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in exhaust."

A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with a question, "Boys and girls, what do we know about God? A hand shot up in the air. "He is an artist!" said the kindergarten boy. "Really? How do you! know?" the teacher asked. "You know - Our Father, who does art in Heaven... "
Thank you.
this jokes realy make me laugh and have joyful in my heart even for the whole day its still there to keep me smilling at everyone!!!! tq
People want the front of the bus, the back of the church, and the center of attention.

Sunday after church, a Mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson was about. The daughter answered, "Don't be scared, you'll get your quilt." Needless to say, the Mom was perplexed. Later in the day, the pastor stopped by for tea and the Mom asked him what that morning's Sunday school lesson was about. He said "Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming."

The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to, ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play. "Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances." During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected, and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up." At that moment, the substitute organist played "The Star Spangled Banner." And that is how the substitute became the regular organist!

That is hysterical! Made me laugh out loud.

The Perfect Pastor

....The Perfect Pastor preaches exactly 10 minutes. He condemns sin roundly, but never hurts anyone's feelings. He works from 8 a.m. until midnight, and is also the church janitor.

....The Perfect Pastor makes $40 a week, wears good clothes, drives a good car, buys good books, and donates $30 a week to the parish. He is 29 years old and has 40 years' worth of experience. Above all, he is handsome.

....The Perfect Pastor has a burning desire to work with teen-agers, and he spends most of his time with the senior citizens. He smiles all the time with a straight face because he has a sense of humor that keeps him seriously dedicated to his parish. He makes 15 home visits a day and is always in his office to be handy when needed.

....The Perfect Pastor always has time for parish council and all of it's committees. He never misses the meeting of any parish organization, and is always busy evangelizing the unchurched.

....The Perfect Pastor is always in the next parish over!

If your pastor does not measure up, simply send this notice to six other parishes that are tired of their pastor too. Then bundle up your pastor and send him to the parish at the top of your list. If everyone cooperates, in one week you will receive 1, 643 pastors. One of them should be perfect.

Have faith in this letter. One parish broke the chain and got its' old pastor back in less than three months.

-by Father McGinn
The late Archbishop of Canterbury, Robert Runcie, wrote in his book, Seasons of the Spirit, that he once got on a train in England & discovered that all of the other passengers in the car were patients at a mental institution being taken on an excursion. A hospital attendant was counting the patients to be sure that they were all there. "One, two, three, four, five... " When he came to Runcie, the attendant asked, "Who are you?" "I am the Archbishop of Canterbury," Runcie replied. The attendant smiled, & still pointing to him continued counting, " ...six, seven, eight...

A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way
to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."

Denominational Falling

When the Methodist minister falls down the stairs, he picks himself up and
says, "That was an experience, how do I learn from it?"

When the Catholic priest falls down the stairs, he picks himself up and
says, "I must have done something really bad to deserve that."

When the Presbyterian minister falls down the stairs, he picks himself up
and says, "That was inevitable, I'm glad its over."

When the Baptist minister falls down the stairs, he picks himself up and
says, "Which one of my deacons pushed me?"


LOLOL Denominational Falling... !!!! Loved the last one !! ( grew up southern baptist !!!) lol


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