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wife who has unclean home due to abuse situation
In a case I know of, the parents are neglectful as in not keeping the home clean. The children and an elderly, handicapped, live-in grand dad are trapped in this form of neglect/abuse. The Christian wife/mother loves her young children and her father and is responsible to meet their needs in most other ways. But her home is very dirty since she works non-stop at developing a business in order to get free of her unsaved husband who is abusive. The children/grandfather are suffering in these unclean conditions. Any ideas how they can cope until the mom can get free of her abusive husband?
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Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Leonard T on
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Jane,
On what grounds should the church step in? Does she attend a church? Are they aware of her situation or does she keep it hid as many do?
I ask you to look at your posting above. You have put down most pastors and most Christians in one sweep. It is not fair to assume that most pastors would be afraid to get involved, nor is it fair to assume that most Christians are battling their own issues or are too ungodly to get involved. There is way too much assumption and negative view of the Bride of Christ, for that is what you are talking about when you speak of the church.
Lord Bless,
LT
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Permalink Reply by Jane Smith on
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LT,
Please don't think I was putting down pastors and Christians. To clarify, I meant that none of the pastors or church friends the couple counseled with offered to get involved. They got a lot of "I'll pray for yous", but no concrete offers of help. I'm sure there are churches and strong believers that really go into action when members are in need of ministry, but that did not occur for this couple.
jane.
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Permalink Reply by David Velasquez on
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Jane,
No one can suck the life of another human if that human is in good relationship with the Lord. You called her a strong Christian woman, if she is, than she has to understand that this are not reasons to divorce. She made the wrong choice of marrying a person who is not Christian. How can one be a strong Christian and not even be able to discern an unbeliever from a believer? Impossible, the guy would have to be a professional actor or con man. She is now in a very difficult situation due to her own rebelliousness and sin, but God is an amazing God. He can bless the entire family and turn things around for his Glory, but she is gonna have to depend and hold on to God like she has never done it before.
This is not a situation for divorce. God hates divorce and loves to reconcile families. The sister has to repent for going against God's will and marrying an unbeliever. Then seek the Lord like she has never sought him before. God can work on any man's heart. She has to concentrate on being a good Godly example through her conduct to her husband and kids.
The first step is understanding that she brought this upon herself. This are consequences of her sin and she must repent.
Second - this is not a reason to divorce. God hates divorce.
Third - Establish a real relationship with the Lord. He will give her the strength and wisdom to do this right and He can even give her love for her husband. The man she chose.
Blessings.
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David,
By using the term "suck the life out of", I meant that in such a marriage there are almost daily trials due to the unbeliever opening the door to the enemy thus leaving the family wide open for spiritual attacks. As a strong Christian, my friend is in peace as no matter what the enemy does- Jesus is her peace. It's harder for the kids, but even at their young ages they know Jesus (thanks to their mother) and are learning to trust Him.
The trap my friend fell into is one that happens to many young Christian women. She was not wise/discerning enough at the time she married to know that the young man was not who he presented himself to be. And interestingly, no one in her church guided her to be sure he was the right one. Her family is all unsaved so no guidance there.. Even the pastor who married them did not question them to be sure he was marrying two believers, and not just two believers, but two believers who were in God's will to marry! Shouldn't pastors take the responsibility to make sure they do not marry unequally yoked couples?!!
This young woman's choice to marry was an innocent mistake- not an act of rebellion or disobedience. Surely you know that lots of men do quite a con job on women to make them believe they are someone they are not. Actually, in this case, this may not even be what was going on. The young man may of sincerely thought he was a Christian since he was a member of a church going family. Many are the young women who have "thought" they found a good, godly man only to find out that after the marriage at some point his true colors come out.
This young man was hiding quite a bit ( and like I said, maybe not purposely) while they courted, that was not apparent until after the pressures of marriage. As long as they were courting and the responsibilities of marriage were not there yet, his weak character was not apparent to his wife. So, I would say let's not jump to conclusions and blame the victim. I would say both the young woman and the young man were victims of Satan when they went into marriage as is so often the case.
Marriage, and how to know one is choosing a marriage partner that God has ordained, is a subject that is near and dear to me. He showed me that even amongst the married couples who do not divorce and stay married their entire lifetimes, most were not in God's will when they married. Think of it - how many people do you know who were mature Christians when they married and married based on seeking God for their life partner, and did not dare to marry that person until they were absolutely sure they heard God's voice on the matter thus were in obedience to God?! About 50% of marriages do not end in divorce, but the couples are very often spiritually divorced even though they are still married. No, it is the rare couple that truly sought the Lord for His will when they married and have a blessed marriage in the truest sense of the word.
So, I'm just trying to make the point that many young women and young men, too, fall into the trap of not being in God's will when they marry whether purposeful deception occurs or simply out of non-purposeful ignorance. No godly young woman or young man would want to marry out of God's will. Therefor I don't see where they should receive a life sentence for an innocent mistake,.Not saying that they shouldn't try to work on the marriage if that is what God leads them to do. But more often then not, they stay married, because they think that is what they are supposed to do. Yes, it does appear that this is what the scripture tells them to do, but maybe not.
Yes, some marriages are turned around due to the godly behavior of the Christian partner, but far more, maybe 95% or more do not turn around. I am not asking anyone to believe what I believe, but I think there is much more to being in God's will when one mistakenly marries the wrong person and must listen to God for how to proceed. If the unbeliever is decent to his family that is one thing, but when there are abusive behaviors of commission and omission going on all the time, I don't know that the Bible guides such unions to continue. This means extreme hurt and damage for the unequally yoked couple, more so for the believer, and most of all for the innocent children. Unless one has been in this situation or is close to someone who has, I don't think they can begin to understand the suffering.
There seem to be two schools of thought on how an unequally yoked marriage should be dealt with. The Bible speaks of separation when it is called for and surely the implication is that the church should step in and lovingly put their arms around the couple and counsel them, but as I said in previous posts, this does not always occur. And why are pastors of the gospel even marrying unequally yoked couples in the first place?! Maybe some of their marriages are unequally yoked too!! Not saying this in a harsh manner- just trying to make the point that those unfortunate couples who are in this situation often are very unsupported. I welcome anyone who points a finger, while well meaning, to try being in an unequally yoked marriage and see how long they could take it. Until one has comforted children who are so damaged from being in a family like this, I doubt one could understand what it's like.
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Jane,
I may come off as a harsh and holier than though preacher on this comment, but believe me those are not my intentions. The thing is that only the truth can set us free and sometimes the truth slaps us in a way that we either wake up to reality, repent and seek God more or we may be offended, get upset and think no one understand. I also understand that is difficult to give advice when both sides of the story are not known.
The trap your friend fell into and many others fall into is due to lack of relationship with God. I have been an active member of the church for many years now and I have seen young ladies who are on fire for God marry well. They were able to detect the wolves and matter of fact the wolves were not even interested on them in most cases because these young ladies talked too much about God for their liking. So the wolves in sheep’s clothing s would then move on to the sheep that were easy to fooled due to various reasons, but mainly due to lack of Godly wisdom, which was obviously the result of not abiding in Christ, in His word. I understand what you are saying, believe me I do, but we are without an excuse. If we do not abide in the word we have no one to blame, but ourselves. It is sad that it appears she was not in a good Godly church. But why was she in a bad church? Again, she was unable to discern due to malnourishment of the word. It is possible that she was either young in the Lord and /or young in age as well, which would attribute for it all.
The fact that the Pastor did not get involve in their affairs speaks of two possibilities. He was not a good pastor and/or the family of the sister did not have good relationships with the church. You said they were not Christian, so the pastor could have felt that his counsel would not be welcome. None the less he should have at least offered them marriage counseling. The pastor made his mistakes and that is unfortunately. I know I am presenting possibilities that may not be accurate, but bear with me. I am glad to read that it was not an act of rebellion, but a poor decision.
Even with the information you have given me I don’t think of the sister as a victim, but a child of God who is suffering the consequences of not abiding in the word as she should. I think they were victims of lack of wisdom primarily and the things you mentioned of course make the situation worst. My people are destroyed for lack of knowledge Hosea 4:6.
>>Yes, some marriages are turned around due to the godly behavior of the Christian partner, but far more, maybe 95% or more do not turn around.
That is a very poor view of God and I do not know such statistics so I will not comment on that, but I hear many testimonies of God’s restoring power. You are right that when we made the mistake of marrying an unbeliever or an immature Christian, one must listen to God for how to proceed. We listen to God by understanding and obeying His revealed will through scripture. In this case God’s will is EXTREMLY CLEAR. You may not know or be sure what the Lord may want in such a situation you say, but let me then reassure you that God hates divorce and from everything I read here this is not an acceptable scenario for divorce. I have witness God’s power to restore marriages who were in way worst situations than those described here. This is nothing for God to restore. The children never win from a divorce.
Pastors should not be marrying unequally yoked couples, but why do some members find a better church? God has restored marriages that have gone through sexual abuse of the children by a parent or infidelity etc… There is nothing impossible for those that believe in God. Is it hard, yes, very hard. Is it worth doing God’s will, Yes! Very much worth it.
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David,
Mostly all believers lack discernment when they are new in the Lord or of a young age. And some of us have much more support than others through no fault of our own. Again, lets not blame the victim. Of course my friend is not a victim in the sense that she belongs to God and is His treasured daughter. All the scenarios you mention are not her- she is a wonderful person who has worked from a young age to support her family as her mother abandoned the family and her father became handicapped.The devil took advantage of her, not because she did not know the Word, but because she was overwhelmed with responsibility a young woman should not be shouldered with. She did not even need a man to be her provider, because God had already blessed her as the provider for her own family. Neither did she need male attention, because she is firmly in Christ. She simply was blinded to the fact that the young man was not who he claimed to be. Had she had more support, she might not have made such a disastrous mistake. The wolves know very well when a truly sweet Christian girl is simply at a low point, because she is serving the Lord with all her might.
But I would like to move on in a new direction. From what you and LT seem to say, only physical or sexual abuse constitutes abuse of such a degree that a wife can separate or divorce. I happened across your testimony just now. It was very dynamic and I praise God for your salvation. You lived with abuse from the time you were a child and state how you fought for the underdogs. It would seem that if you lived with abuse that you would have compassion on children who are becoming hurt and confused, because their dad is compromised. More severe abuse has not occurred yet, but you should know that these children and the mother are living in a state of "what is going to happen next??!!". Though the children are at a tender age, the wife has known for years that her husband is very dysfunctional. And now that the children are a little older, they are wondering, "what is wrong with daddy??". Is she to just wait until something tragic happens?. Is it ok for the family to live with uncertainty, constant problems and strain because dad is so up and down? Shouldn't it be dad's responsibility to face his problems so that he doesn't keep stressing out his family? Don't you think that living in a state like this is more than children and a wife can take? Every day it is a different episode, because dad is running away from God and from himself. In my opinion, this type of abuse is extremely destructive and threatening and could easily lead to worse abuse evidenced by his deteriorating personality and lack of responsibility. It seems to me that now is the time for some action to be taken. Really, action is past due as they have been going through this for years now. So, although I respect your interpretation of the Word, what concrete steps would you suggest for a wives who are in this situation? What is a wife to do when she needs support now, like yesterday, but the support is not there? I feel like you are saying that it is the wife's job to fix him. She has stood in the gap for him countless times, but at some point he has to take responsibility for his own issues and stop traumatizing his family.
This is the first time I have ever dialogued at a Christian discussion board. The Holy Spirit lead me to come here. I know that as Christians we can interpret the Word differently. This is a new experience for me to see if I can find real support and ministry here. I just noticed that the posts of one of the posters to this thread have been deleted. Can individual posters delete their own posts, or is this something that is done by a moderator? If so, for what purpose?
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Jane,
Both, the individual and the administrators have the capacity to delete a posting. I am unaware of any administrator deleting any comment in this thread, so will have to believe if one has been deleted, it was deleted by the poster.
Lord Bless,
LT
TheNET Coordinator
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Thanks. I tried using the edit function the other day and got a double posting somehow. I see where it says one has 15 min to edit one's post. Congrats on your new position!
jane
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Jane,
Thank you and I would ask you pray for me in this new position.
Lord Bless,
LT
TheNET Coordinator -
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Thanks. Congrats on your new appointment!
jane
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Yesterday was a double posting and just now the post did not appear so I re-posted. Is that a problem with the site or my computer? Glad to keep you in prayer.
jane -
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