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Please help me with forgiveness...

I've been struggling with believing in God for over a year now so I thought that I would throw that out there before I begin. I heard that prayer is more powerful with numbers so I'm asking that someone could please pray for me...even though you don't know me.

Sorry if this is lengthy (and blunt), but I want to give you a background on my issue. I got involved with an ex who had cheated on me and dumped me back in April. I was only with him for a short amount of time, but I loved him. The girl he cheated on me with ended up leaving him about two weeks ago and he crawled back to me (and had the nerve to complain to me about the girl he left me for and cheated on me with, without any sensitivity or any mention to the fact of why he cheated on me and disappeared) . I gave in because part of me wanted to reclaim my self-esteem and the other part got high off of the euphoria of someone who once rejected you wanting you back. So, my intentions originally were to pour my heart out and tell him how bad he had hurt me when I got to see him in person for the first time since our break-up....Well, after a day of talking, she came back and he nonchalantly said goodbye to me  so I never got to tell him in person how I felt, but after a few days, he came back again. So, I met up with him for the first time and told him how bad he hurt me and he said all of this stuff to me that I never thought that I would hear from his lips again "I missed you, I never stopped thinking about you, will you be my gf, I realized what I  lost" etc, etc. He sobbed in my arms for over an hour.  Well, a few days later (second time hanging out) he invited me to a bonfire at his cousins. I got drunk (my first time) and one thing led to another and I sinned in an even greater way. The next day he continued to make me feel loved and special and like I was his, but then a few hours after I had left, she came back to him and his response to me was "well, I talked to Stef for the last hour and a half so I guess that I'm going to say goodbye." He disconnected that quickly and with no emotion what-s0-ever when just a few hours prior, he was holding me and loving me.

He made me out to be the monster to his family and friends even though he's the one who cheated and left me, he's the one who crawled back two months later, he's the one who said everything he said, he's the one who made all the moves, and he's the one who dumped me once again like nothing. Not explanation, no emotion, no guilt,  just nothing.

I'm so angry and hurt and embarrassed that there's this false image of me floating around. He lied about everything to everyone and made me seem like I pursued and seduced him. I didn't. I just made the mistake by going along with everything. I'm not the type of girl who gets in the middle of relationships. I don't sleep around. I've only been drunk once. I try to live a moral life, but I feel like he made me out to be a monster to protect himself and that killed me.

I want to FORGIVE him. I NEED to forgive him. For myself. I don't want to walk around angry and bitter and imprisoned in my mind. I want to be free. I want to release him. It's haunting me. Please someone pray for me that God helps me do that. I don't want to be angry and I don't want to hurt. I know I screwed up by going back to him and indulging and I know I don't deserve it, but if God has any mercy, I need it.

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Permalink Reply by Amanda on July 10, 2012 at 7:07pm

I am of the POV that when a person thinks poorly of herself, it shows, and it becomes detrimental to dating relationships. If your dating life improved, would your self esteem improve? Or if your self esteem improved, would your dating life improve? IMO low self esteem tends to make people look for love in all the wrong places. Someone who feels she is unlovable will constantly be trying to get the person she is dating to prove otherwise. Then, when she gets dumped, she feels that she is indeed unlovable. It is a vicious cycle. But, again, this is my opinion. It was true for me. It may not be the case for you.

Here is a good article about evidence that the Bible is God's Word: http://www.gotquestions.org/Bible-God-Word.html

Sorry I could not be of more help to you.

Permalink Reply by Kayla on July 10, 2012 at 7:37pm

It's somewhat of the same case for me. I think my self esteem rises when I'm being paid attention to. When there is someone who "wants" me. When I'm in a relationship. I don't intentionally put my self-worth in a man, but I guess it plays out that way in the end because everything I feel about myself is almost "proven" true when he leaves me. My mother had no luck with finding a good man in her life. Her mother never had any luck. Maybe that kind of stuff is inherited. Maybe we're all doing something of the same nature that's putting ourselves in that boat. Maybe I'm just not meant to be married or find a good man. I just don't understand why God would give me such a desire to want to find a mate to settle down with and share my life with. I've never been the type of person who wanted to date around and have fun. I've always just wanted to find one person I clicked with and had chemistry with. I didn't need to explore all my options and live a wild life.

And you're of great help. I appreciate your opinions and thoughts :)

Permalink Reply by Amanda on July 10, 2012 at 8:41pm

Thanks, Kayla.

I used to feel the same way -- that I was just not meant to get married or be a wife and a mom. Today I took my son to get his driving permit. He just turned 16 the last week of June. I will talk with you more tomorrow but want to leave you with this song. It says:

I have to wonder if I really want to know

The struggle and the pain that others feel

Do I want to hear the stories I see echoed in their eyes

Or is this love I say that I’m reflecting even real?

I like this song ... because the answer for me has always been that, yes, I want to know the struggle and the pain that others feel and I want to hear their stories. I want to help.

Permalink Reply by dean burrows on July 10, 2012 at 9:27pm

;ouch 

First not all men are your ex.  Secondly some men see the beauty from within.  Show that beauty the beauty God has given you quit letting the world rule you. You want proof of God then give Him the chance. Quit looking to the world and let Him to bring you what you need.

"Good news though-I'm open-minded so it's not like I'm closed off to hearing or experiencing God.'

Bad news as long as you hang unto worldly ideals and atttitudes you stop yourself from hearing and/or experiencing God.

So girl show the world that inner beauty and forget about those boys whose brains are in there pants.

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