What the name feetbreeze means and I shouldn't hold this in...I've got to blog it

Ok, first of all the name feetbreeze. I was outside sitting on the wooden steps. I took off my shoes and socks(it was a different time than this picture). I could feel the wind/breeze on my feet. It felt awesome! Try it some time (unless medical conditions, like diabities, say otherwise).

Why do I cause people so much pain?

Why do I have so little faith?

I want to be with Jesus so much...(no don't worry I'm not suicidal)

I want to cry on His shoulder. I want the pain in my heart to go away...

All, the frustrations, fear, and confusion I can't post on here right now....

The weird thing is. One day I might be completly happy and the fear concerning the JW won't be there (or atleast not as much) or I may be going through, like right now, really fearful and confusing times. I go back and forth.

I was able to talk to our Heavenly Abba (Father/daddy hebrew Abba helps me to get closer to God than Father) this morning before getting up just fine. But, now He seems so far away...

I wonder....Is Jesus mad at me? I'm wondering if I did something really wrong to hurt Him...will He be mad once I see Him?

Please understand the person telling you this. I've got very low self esteem. Do I have"love" for myself (not like vain love)? Not really. I just want to get completed what Jesus has created me for, my purpose...whatever that is. And, than I just want to go and be with Him.

Life can get very lonely. Having to keep so many secrets from people I love (like trying to find help on the internet) is very difficult.

I wonder why He created me....I seem so much more lower than other people. I can't seem to be able to do stuff like most people who live "normal" lives. Even when I was younger...I wasn't "normal". While, they were doing whatever and hanging out with friends I was doing my own thing at times. I had friends just not to the extent like the others as well. I mean I can't even ride a bike too well. Haven't tried it for a long time...I remember riding on the path and crashing into the neightbor's wall. That's pretty much it. As for swimming....it's terifying to be under water and not have anything to grab. To sink...To come up and have that water in your nose which makes it hard to breath...

I seem premature in alot of things. Other people my age are alot maturer.  To see through my eyes...there's alot of frightening things that wouldn't make alot of people that scared. I can't stand the thought of being in a city alone without people I know...all of those strange faces coming at you and cars can hit a person...If only I could live in the country with a very small town (even Mayberry like Andy Griffth would be good but Waltons would be better).

If a person could see through my eyes what would they see? Alot of fear. Alot of confusion. Stuff only God knows about.

:sighs: Thank you for your time....

Atleast one more thing before I go.

There's alot of stuff I can't put on a blog or in a journal. But, Jesus knows, He understands...

Just seeing His name, Jesus,...I want to meet Him so much...He sees the pain.

I wonder what He will do with such a small and fragile creature like me (for my height and weight I'm not strong)....only God knows. :sighs: I wonder how He will use me to make a difference...

I don't want pride, I don't want vainity. I don't want so much of what this world wants to toss at me (alot of it is meaningless anyway)...I want to make a difference, be used by God for whatever He wants...and to finally meet Jesus. To hear "Good job, fair and faithful servant."

I've taken up alot of your time, thank you for reading this though, thank you. You don't realize how much, brothers and sisters in Christ...you don't realize how much you mean to me and how much God has used you to help me. Thank God and thank all of you.