All About GOD - Growing Relationships with Jesus and Others
The truth is out...
I have seen the pictures of other peoples' babies. There have been so many girls who I knew from school who now have someone and have atleast one child [whether pregnant with their first one or the kid has already been born].
I secretly wish I could have child,someone I know will finally love me. Someone who would depend on me and that I could take care of.
I block out the thought of the man though. No offence to any men reading this. I just feel so used by men [I've never dated but I don't want to go into detail why I feel used]. I feel like a man could never love me,only use me.
I was proud in junior high and high school. I didn't have one boyfriend and never dated. That made me proud. There's reasons probably I didn't realize why I have never dated or attempted to.
The good experiences I've had with boys was when I was little. I don't remember this but there's pictures. I got kissed by a boy at 3 at the laundry mat. There's a picture I found today where I kissed him,too. And when I was little [I started school early because there was programs like that in my elementry school,pre-kape and kape] two of my friends liked me. The last good memory is 2nd grade. Kevin [another friend] kissed my hand at lunch. Poor kid got into big trouble though. :-(
For reasons I don't want to go into...I feel used by men. That no man could ever love me,only use me.
I just want to know what it is like to have another person love me. I know Jesus loves me and parental love doesn't count. I mean another human being that isn't related. Even if it was just one date. Something I have never experienced before. I know there was those times when I was little. What I mean is actually knowing there's a guy out there who will love me just the way I am and not use me.
God forgive me if I'm jealous over any of those women who now have babies...I just want to know another human being loves me.
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Comment by feet breath on August 20, 2013 at 3:16pm
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Thanks Janie.
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Comment by ribbon on August 20, 2013 at 12:00pm
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Feet, I understand... ... completely.
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Janie,I'm not sure which churches are God fearing around here. That and I'm scared. Being surrounded by a lot of people makes me nervous and my anxiety levels rise.
Amanda,I know not all men use women. But it's like with me it's a different story. It seems like I only attract men who want to hurt me. I've never dated but I don't want to go into detail about the men who have hurt me. They didn't hurt me dating wise,it was other way/s. I'm easy to take advantage of me because I have trouble expressing pain/fear and if something happens I'll probably just stay silent. I don't know how to set boundaries because I have trouble with communication. I mean I can talk it's just I have a lot of trouble expressing if I'm in pain or something scares me. That's why I love these blogs. I can now express stuff I wouldn't have been able to before.
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Feet, Wanting to be a mama some day is natural and beautiful thing for most women. To be envy other woman having babies is normal too , I think. As long as you aren't dwelling on this jealousy I think its ok. Maybe soon you can start going to a church and meet many new God loving friends . I believe with all my heart "if you portray yourself there ,the way you do here" they will love you.
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