I have seen the pictures of other peoples' babies. There have been so many girls who I knew from school who now have someone and have atleast one child [whether pregnant with their first one or the kid has already been born].
I secretly wish I could have child,someone I know will finally love me. Someone who would depend on me and that I could take care of.
I block out the thought of the man though. No offence to any men reading this. I just feel so used by men [I've never dated but I don't want to go into detail why I feel used]. I feel like a man could never love me,only use me.
I was proud in junior high and high school. I didn't have one boyfriend and never dated. That made me proud. There's reasons probably I didn't realize why I have never dated or attempted to.
The good experiences I've had with boys was when I was little. I don't remember this but there's pictures. I got kissed by a boy at 3 at the laundry mat. There's a picture I found today where I kissed him,too. And when I was little [I started school early because there was programs like that in my elementry school,pre-kape and kape] two of my friends liked me. The last good memory is 2nd grade. Kevin [another friend] kissed my hand at lunch. Poor kid got into big trouble though. :-(
For reasons I don't want to go into...I feel used by men. That no man could ever love me,only use me.
I just want to know what it is like to have another person love me. I know Jesus loves me and parental love doesn't count. I mean another human being that isn't related. Even if it was just one date. Something I have never experienced before. I know there was those times when I was little. What I mean is actually knowing there's a guy out there who will love me just the way I am and not use me.
God forgive me if I'm jealous over any of those women who now have babies...I just want to know another human being loves me.