All About GOD - Growing Relationships with Jesus and Others
I'm not allowed to feel pain nor am I allowed to mess up
I know one reason why I'm the way I am. I'm not allowed to feel pain nor am I allowed to mess up. It's been that way since I was little.
I tried to watch what I said/did at school. I seen what happened to the other kids. That terrified me. And ever since I was little I grew up around getting yelled at. Like when I was 4 or 5 [they had pre-kape and kape for kids too young for kindergarden] I was with the other kids on the steps. Kids pick their nose,that’s what happens. Instead of calmly telling me that I shouldn’t Mrs. R. [she was the teacher,I was in Kape] yelled at me. I tried to stay out of trouble but that didn’t always work. I got in trouble even if I did nothing wrong. Like when the principal came in [I think I was in 3rd grade] and I was drinking from my Taz water bottle. She got very upset with me. I think she told me I wasn’t a baby or something like that. I still feel her anger. One time when I didn’t listen to the media teacher in 7th grade she grabbed my arm.
I'm not allowed to mess up. I messed up earlier this year and got screamed at by my uncle because I didn't answer his call fast enough. I've tried behaving. But what do you do when you still get into trouble when you don't do anything wrong? Like when I got singled out by my other uncle last year for talking at a family gathering. He couldn't get a word in edge wise because of me. I got singled out,other people were talking but he only said that about me.
Fear,that is what I live on. The fear of messing up and getting screamed at. The fear of doing nothing wrong and getting screamed at.
I grew up to where I wasn’t allowed to feel pain. Like when I was in 3rd grade Mrs. M. was upset with me. Not sure what I did to upset her,she was usually nice. I fell on a fieldtrip. I was ether crying physically or was sobbing with no tears. Well,I still was on the bus. She got upset saying something like “Oh,you won’t die” or something like that. I grew up not knowing if I was going to get critizied or yelled at. What made it really hard is even when I ether didn’t do anything wrong or didn’t do something really bad I still got in trouble.
I tried to get help from a youth pastor concerning something that really bothered me. It was June of 08,I ether was just about to get out of 9th grade or was already on Summer vacation. She blamed me. I thought I could talk to people on one forum I was on last year. I was having trouble remembering about the cats and terrified it'd happen again. And I think I mentioned something about the JWs. I got banned.
I'm not allowed to feel pain. I asked for help and got in trouble.
I really wanted to help out SOVA [it was when I was like 14 and 15 years old]. It was to get the Pokémon voice actors back their jobs [don't worry,I don't like Pokémon anymore]. I was on online groups to help. I found out from someone that he found out another person said I was skating on thin ice. And that I was bossing everyone around. All,I did was want to help...Even trying to help I mess things up.
How can I heal when it's been put in me that I'm not allowed to heal? I'm not allowed to mess up yet even if I don't mess up I risk getting in trouble. How can I heal when ether way,whether I mess up or don't,I risk getting in trouble?
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Comment by feet breath on August 26, 2013 at 2:18pm
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The Lord has given me a desire to help other learn about Jesus with gospel tracts. That and He's given me a desire to help others by learning first aid.
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Comment by Seek on August 26, 2013 at 7:32am
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Feet, keep asking God to show you how to love yourself. Joyce Meyers addresses this in a way that might help....
She decided years ago to like herself. No one wants to hang around someone they don't like, and since they can never get away from themselves, they need to learn to like themselves, by knowing they're not there yet, but they're not where they used to be. Like where you are now, even if there are things you feel still need work in your life, choose to like where you are currently, focus on the positive things in your life. Did you get a desire to read the Word, to attend church? Have you spoken up about Christ to others? Anything you have done that you didn't use to do, focus on those.
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Janie,I know we all mess up. I just struggle with this because people have expected too much from me ever since I was a little girl. It's like I've been expected to do the impossible. That is one reason why I'm insecure today. I think one reason I feel bad is self-condemnation. I know the Holy Spirit convicts me. But I'm the one that condemns myself. It's how I've been treated most of my life. I don't know how else to live. I'm allowed to heal? How can I heal? I thought I was healing and I was. But now I'm at a stage where even deeper pain has been found that has been hidden. And,Janie,no worries,I understand.
Clayton,I don't know how to love myself. Honestly,I thought the bullies were what was the main problem from my past but I found out that isn't the case. There's something worse. I'm afraid he did even worse but I don't remember. I know he did something bad though to me,just not sure if it was that bad.
I don't know how to love myself. I'm broken.
Yes,Jesus saved me.
And Clayton. If you're hurting please talk to us about it. That's how I get a lot of stuff off my chest by blogging. And it helps to ask for prayer. Just whatever you do don't bottle it up. I learned that the hard way and almost died because of it.
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Comment by clayton a compton on August 23, 2013 at 9:07pm
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feet'
i can also feel your pain. people like to be bullies because they do not like them selves. just like if i had more money i would be happy. it does not work that way. you need to love your self for who you are.
you will never be happy if you do not like your self. do not listen to other people tell you who you are. love your self first and God second. me personally is how i feel. ever tho it could be wrong in that order. i am also going thru a rough patch. but this is about you not me.
reach down a pull your self up by your boot straps; know that God loves you and will forgive you for your mistakes. if you have accepted his offer then you are covered.
hugs
clayton
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Comment by ribbon on August 23, 2013 at 9:03pm
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Feet, I wrote that people hurt us that the Lord didn't. I know you didn't say that the Lord hurt you. After I reread that part. I think I was taking to myself. Please know I didn't think you were saying that.
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Feet from what I have learned from what others say about the bible....... none of us could ever be perfect . We all mess up.... every person messes up. Please NEVER EVER do as I did and turn from Him. That will only make your life worse much worse. I have also been told that when we feel bad for all our messes that that is a good thing. They say that means that the spirit is dealing with our heart. Pleas don't believe the lies from satan that you aren't allowed to heal. People have hurt us... not the Lord. I need to get this in my head as well.
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Thanks Janie. :hugs back: It helps knowing that you understand. :)
So,Jesus won't be mad when I mess up? I don't mean be rebellious and turn from Him. I mean just messing up. I know we all sin. I'm just scared He will be mad...
It helps to be open about this.
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I hear you Feet..... loud and clear. I understand ... I am sure a lot of us do. Feet if we listen to people and what they say about us we will stay down and out all the time. Jesus is the healer not the people. Jesus is the listener the lover the all. When you are feeling down... forget about the people , or try to anyway. People fail people sometimes don't know how to react in a caring way. We need to focus on Jesus.... I know it hurts so badly when we are ridiculed all the time and that hurt is real. We just need to learn how to give it to the Lord. Hugs to you... I wish I had advise for you but I don't because like I said I understand the hurt.
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I'm afraid to mess up. How do I know if I'm going to make Jesus really mad? I don't want to do something on earth that's going to get Him really upset. I'm afraid to mess up and get screamed at.
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