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"Eloi, Eloi, lama sabachthani" ...a trip to Hell

Several months ago, while fully engaged in a spiritual war for my soul with a demon who will remain nameless, I was forced to experience something that would forever change my entire view of God and things of the Kingdom. I had come to know Him recently before the following experience. However, I had no concept of the totality of our sinful nature and its consequences, nor did I understand the fate of the demons. I thank God for allowing the demon to take me to that place...

 

On 23 Feb 2010, I found myself standing face to face with the demonic being that has been with me since I was at least 5 years old. He was tall, about 7 feet, very muscular and human-like, with dark brown skin. It was smooth and shiny, sort of serpentine but no scales. He had this weird shaped head, like a sickle on the back, yellow viper eyes and a deep, guttural voice. He picked me up by my shoulders and as I looked into his evil, cold and time-laden eyes, he held me up to his face and yelled,

 

"YOU MUST BECOME ME TO FIGHT ME!"

 

I answered, "Not anymore..." in defiance of my old nature. The nature I'd embraced for so long and now understood that I must deny in order to break the bond between us.

 

...and this greatly angered him. He took over my body and spirit, pulling me inside of his own body. I was inside him, but I was watching from the background at the same time. It was weird. I was aware of the totality of the situation, as if viewing it from every conceivable angle. I felt every emotion he felt....the rage, the seething hatred for me, the loathing, burning rage that was incomprehensible. If you took every ounce of hatred ever experienced by any human being that has ever lived and condensed it all into one second, it would not begin to compare to what I felt at that moment. It was like actually being a bomb about to explode. His emotions were literally a force of energy, like a living breathing thing but very much a part of himself. I literally breathed an irrepressible desire to kill and destroy any and everything. It was like a surge of electricity that started at my feet and rose up through my body like a thick liquid, filling each individual cell in my body. I became aware of each cell within me as if they had their own nerve centers and became intensely aware that my body was about to explode--that death was imminent. It was more real than anything in this realm, if that makes any sense. I screamed out to try to release some of the pressure building within me before it killed me and when I did, my voice came out demonic and I began speaking in a tongue I didn't understand. It was not a human language. Of that I was certain. I did not understand what I was saying and feared I may have been fooled into cursing God so I shut up.

 

I thought, "I must will myself out of this," and felt my spirit begin to come to the surface as if I were under water or something. I was literally caged within this demonic being and he felt so big around me. His presence was shockingly powerful. I screamed for him to "let me out" and he yelled, "NO!" and pulled me back deep inside himself. I recall feeling very, very small and very powerless. The process repeated itself until I knew I was about to die. Then out of God's mercy, I was released.

 

I then found myself in a place of darkness. There were stone walls surrounding me on all sides and above and below me and very dim light which just seemed to "be." A sort of artificial light that was just there to allow me to see the state I was in--a cold light. I was completely alone. It was silent and I was aware that the presence of God was somewhere above me and to my right, but I was separated from Him by the mere existence of the place I was in. I suddenly became acutely aware of the absolutely filthy state of my being and knew beyond any doubt that I would never be fit to enter the Kingdom in this state. I was also aware that there was no way whatsoever for me to rectify the issue and that I was eternally separated from God. There was nothing I could do about it. Absolute absence of any hope. I was suicidal at one point in my past and have sat with a gun in my mouth, slowly squeezing the trigger. In fact, it was within that same year that this demon had first appeared to me and told me that he would never leave me. I fully understand hopelessness. But this was different. There was no "hope" that death might cure this state I was in. I understood that this was Hell in its purest and simplest form and there was no way out of it. Not even death. Death was impossible. I also knew that I had built this place of stone walls with my own sin. The level of shame that coincided with that acknowledgment was soul-crushing.

 

It is beyond description the horror I felt in this place. I had the intense mental sensation that I was without doubt about to go insane. My mind simply could not handle this level of horror. My heart literally felt shattered in my chest and all I could think was "What have I done that is so horrible that You would abandon me here, Father??" My soul was shattered into a billion pieces and I am simply unable to write this without reliving it to some degree. I cry every time that memory replays in my head. I could never in my limited vocabulary or mental ability begin to describe it to anyone in a way that would do it justice.

 

Then again, out of His mercy, I was removed from this place and sent back into "reality." I woke up in my bed and was immediately disoriented, panicked beyond anything I've ever been before, grasping at my body, the walls around me, anything tangible to reassure me that I was no longer in that place and wasn't going back. I must have cried for 2 hours and repeatedly asked God why He showed me this. I begged Him for forgiveness for everything I'd ever done against His will and pleaded that He never send me back there. I also asked Him to help me come back to my senses because I was a complete train wreck of emotion at this point and my mind would not function. It was like being trapped on an out of control train going 1000 mph down a mountain. It was around 3 am and I did not go back to sleep. I laid there for however many hours and prayed and prayed and contemplated and prayed. By the time I got up, I was completely exhausted. I would remain in a daze of sorts for the next couple of days.

 

For the longest time, I thought that maybe the demon had shown me all of this to try to get me to sympathize with his condition. I wasn't sure why a demon would care at all whether I 'felt for him.' Maybe it was his attempt to use my God-given human compassion to hurt me in a sort of psychological war tactic. I recall thinking to myself,

 

"If this is what they (demons) feel and experience every second they exist, I can understand why they are the way they are." Should I have been capable of functioning on any level, I would have ended up a psychotic lunatic with no distinction between right, wrong, good, bad, love, hate or whatever. My mind would have just lost its ability to function.

 

Let me make it clear that I in NO WAY condone the actions or nature of the demonic and I realize that they do have the ability to distinguish right and wrong, etc and to make choices. I hate them with a perfect hatred. But I wasn't sure why I had to experience this whole thing. I mean, it could not have happened without God's approval, so I believed that He was trying to teach me something too. I just didn't know what, except that I seriously needed to get to the point where crying out for HIM was reflexive, which did happen after that experience.

 

Today, however, I came across an article on Sid Roth's site that brought me to a greater understanding of what it all meant. Here's an excerpt:

 

"Perhaps it’s not the pain and the shame that caused Him to be in such anguish that He broke blood vessels and sweated blood, but the separation from His Father that terrified Him. He knew it would have to happen. But when the sins of mankind were completely placed upon Him so that He fully experienced the separation from God which sin causes, He cries out in shock, “Eli, Eli, Lama sabachtani” – “My God, My God, (no Abba now), why have You forsaken me?” Forsaken! Abandoned! Those would have been forever terms for Him. He would have experienced abject and complete hopelessness! It is at this point, under what must have been the greatest stress any human being has ever endured He is faced with the world’s most critical decision.["Yeshua's Most Critical Choice" Lane].

 

I had always wondered since I was a kid what Jesus experienced on the cross the moment He cried out to His Father asking why He'd been forsaken. I thought, "How could God be forsaken by God?"

 

That day in that Hell I found myself in, it all made perfect sense. Jesus had to basically become us in that moment to atone for our sins, and the demon wanted me to believe that I had to become him to fight him and win. Was this a sort of demonic mockery of the cross?

 

Surely, Jesus must have experienced that "eternal" separation from which there was no escape. That horror beyond all horror. The same horror and utter hopelessness I felt that night. That horror changed my life. Changed my love for Jesus, and left me no choice but to forever strive to fully comprehend how critical and precious His gift to us was that day on the cross. He saved us from the Hell of that unsurvivable separation from our Source.

 

If there were no demons in Hell, no fire, no torment, no suffering.......if all there was...was that separation....

 

It would be enough.

 

PLEASE try to understand if you don't already, the sacrifice He made and what it would've meant if He had given up on us. I pray for every human being that has ever existed to one day experience 5 seconds of that separation in order to more fully appreciate the totality of Jesus' love for us--that extraordinary, inconceivable and perfect love. Agape love.

 

Never in this life could we love the way He loves us. It's so unbelievable and unavoidable. So extraordinarily mind-blowing. My broken little way of conveying this is eternally lacking in depth. But please pray about it and try to comprehend for our own and for the sake of fully appreciating His gift of grace. He's so much more than worth it.

 

Thank You precious Jesus, for saving me from that unending death and horror. Thank You for cleansing the wretched creature I've become and offering me the undeserved authority to enter Your Kingdom and be with the Source of all life and Love forever and forever. Thank You for making a way for me to walk right up to Your holy face and accept the grace You offer me everyday that I breathe. Thank You for sanctifying my spirit so that I may breathe the very same air You breathe each day of this gift that I've now dubbed "living" for the first time. There are no words to say what I truly feel for You. I'm immeasurably joyful that I have been given eternity to show You how much I love You. I will gladly fight the darkness to become all You want me to be.

 

Because You did it for me.

 

JESUS.

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Comment by David Velasquez on August 26, 2010 at 2:17am
Hey you -

Live in holiness and He will turn it all around for His glory and bless you greatly through the journey. You are a blessing girl. Rock on!
Comment by Jessica Robertson on August 15, 2010 at 9:32pm
i've come to know and trust that every experience that is extremely difficult to endure and the potentially most damaging is also the kind that will prove to be the most purifying and magnificently strengthening....

if we will only know it.

i am so grateful for the horrific last 13 months. Just when i thought i was beginning to figure life out, reality exploded in my face and took me for the ride of my life. i'm like a new baby. so full of awe and wonder. and it all has been reborn within me. i know now that i am free. and i always have been. but we get deceived into bondage and that imprisonment is as real as we choose it to be. if people only knew what they were really choosing when they choose sin...

but with Jesus....

there is ONLY freedom.

glory to our Lord. let us never forget that His love is everlasting.
Comment by Christine Flood on August 15, 2010 at 8:51pm
Your depiction did not lack at all! What a truly, truly scary place to be in.

Your experience is a living testimony that the things the enemy intends to use to hurt you, God will turn them around and use them for your benefit.

Thank you for sharing your story with the rest of us.

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