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Candid words straight from my mind....

Where, God are you at? I prayed to you seeking salvation, but I don't feel saved. Maybe the way I feel like that is because you won't ever talk to me, or bear witness to my spirit. I walk through everyday, praying and reading my Bible, and at times, I have neglected you, but I always feel lonely, and unsatisfied. I feel like you just watch me, but have no intention of ever intervening or comforting me. The only proof of your spirit I have within me is the written law on my heart and mind, reminding of the the right and wrong I do. I have nothing else, reassuring me of my faith. Often times, I feel like a child of Satan, because you constantly ignore me, though I fight everyday to try and live a life pleasing to you. I hate going through everyday, wondering if i'm saved; it is such mental turmoil, wondering and being confused everyday; it's torment, and it hurts, and you know that. God, how can I truly believe in you, if you never make yourself known? You were so prevelant in the Old Testament days, so yea, it was easy for Abraham to follow you; you didn't hide your face from him, like you do me. All I have is faith; yes, faith. Faith that you do exist, though i've never seen you, though honestly God, my faith is starting to dull out, which is scaring me. The only conclusion I can draw is that you are testing me. And if you are, then you are doing a fine job, because I am honestly about to crack. God, you can have everything I have, all I want is you, and not just your words from your Bible or prayer time; NO, I mean I want you, and only you. Why can't you just give that to me? Why do you leave me here to suffer spiritually everyday? Have I messed up so many times that you have to punish me like this? Was I put here to just fill another spot in Hell? Have I committed a sin that you just can;t forgive? Honestly, this is so agonizing, I just want to curse at you, and treat you like a man treats his disobedient dog. You reveal yourself to all these other christians, but to me, you could care less. But still, I will hold on anyway, because I am supposed to have faith, and that I do have. These are my feelings God, and I believe your big enough to handle them.

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Comment by brandon soileau on August 1, 2011 at 9:12pm: Richard,

let me just start by thanking you for your helpful words and prayers. I crucify my flesh and old life daily; though I realize this will be a life long process, I still put away old baggage. I just hope to be a mature Christian one day and flying in the sky towards Heaven, with the rest of you guys.

Comment by Richard L. Broch, Sr. on August 1, 2011 at 6:54pm: Hello Brandon,

I wish I could physically reach out to you, and put my arm around your shoulder in a warm Christian greeting. So many questions, so many doubts, such a feeling of loneliness ..................

Brandon, you've had some real loving, Christian responses to your three blogs so far. There's no doubt in my mind that many thoughtful prayers have been going up for you, also.

Let me add some thoughts from Scripture in answer to your feelings.

To start with, forget legalism. As it's been told to you, human beings CANNOT work their way to God. It's impossible for us to be that good. Jesus made us righteous in God's eyes from His work on the cross. That is our reservation to eternal bliss. No doubts here.

Jesus told the woman at the well (John, Chapter 4), "The true worshippers must worship God in spirit and truth" (paraprased). The "spirit" reference in His statement basically means we can't worship God in the "letter" of the law. We must worship Him in the "spirit" of the law. What does that mean? In your book of Romans, please go to 13:8," Owe nothing to anyone ( which means don't abscond, and not leave anybody unpaid) except to love one another; FOR HE WHO LOVES HIS NEIGHBOR HAS FULFILLED THE LAW.".

Brandon, if you want to review the greatest commandment, please refer to Matthew 22:37- 40.

Have you had any opportuities to exercise these verses?

Also, John the Baptist said in John 3:30, " He must increase, but I must decrease.".

John was talking about Jesus, and making the point - It's all God, and not us................

Whatever baggage we have as we come into the Kingdom Of God through Christ Jesus, we have to start dumping as readilly possible. This baggage is our old life, and way of living.

Jesus says in Luke 9:23, " If anyone would would come after Me, let him DENY HIMSELF (of this old baggage) AND PICK UP HIS CROSS DAILY(crucify his old life, Galatians 2"20), and follow Me.

Yes, Brandon, we really have to want to.

I like Char"s advice: During your prayer time, stop speaking, and listen for God to speak to you.

Include me on the list of people praying for you.

Grace and Peace.

Comment by brandon soileau on July 31, 2011 at 7:16pm: Char,

I really do believe that God is testing my faith; and in no way will I ever turn my back on him again. I have lived a life of backsliding faith, and no obstacle will seperate me from my first love again.

Comment by brandon soileau on July 31, 2011 at 7:15pm: Chris, that means a lot to me that you said that. i have been crying out to God to reveal himself to me, and maybe he has already, in the form of you answering me. He also had a former preacher call me out of the blue yesterday, feeling the need to pray for me. That is divine! As far as the Holy Spirit is concerned: I sure hope I am filled, lol. Jesus is my Lord and savior, so I surely hope so....

Comment by a servant (Chris) on July 31, 2011 at 5:38pm: Brandon I came to this site from reading a poem "That is dying to self" then just a few minutes ago I came to this site, & read what you shared. The people that know me would flip out knowing I had joined some social media deal. Yet, after reading what you shared, I could not just walk by. We all have times of testing WE ALL DO. So please don't let the enemy tell you you are alone in these thoughts. I would ask you if you are filled w/ Holy Spirit. For me I know no other way. God is w/ you, let yourself fall back in your Father's arms. Have you read "Hinds Feet in High Places" When Jesus told His disciples "you have seen Me w/ your own eyes, more blessed are those who believe and have not seen." Brandon not that I'm any big deal. Yet, He lead me to this site for maybe several reasons, but if for no other reason to let you know God, Jesus, and Holy Spirit love you so very much. And so do I.

Comment by brandon soileau on July 30, 2011 at 8:24pm: Thank you everyone for the helpful input

Comment by brandon soileau on July 30, 2011 at 8:24pm: I have no doubt that God is real, I just wish I could feel him. I hate feeling hopeless.

Comment by John Rogers on July 30, 2011 at 7:19pm: Hi Brandon,

There is proof that God is real. Look all around you at the state of the world today. God has not abandoned you. We are living in the last days. Read what Timothy wrote nearly two thousand years ago about the condition of the world in the last days.

But mark this: There will be terrible times in the last days. People will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boastful, proud, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, without love, unforgiving, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not lovers of the good, treacherous, rash, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God - having a form of godliness but denying its power. Have nothing to do with them.

Comment by Kayla on July 30, 2011 at 1:45pm: I feel EXACTLY the same way. Exactly.

Comment by brandon soileau on July 30, 2011 at 3:51am: Deep down, I can't deny that he is there, but sometimes the pain is great. Thank you

Candid words straight from my mind....

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