All I ever do is cause hurt

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Comment by Mysty on November 27, 2013 at 4:18pm

I have been reading your blogs and you are clearly expressing that you have a great deal of pain. No other person can truly know what is in the heart and soul of another person. Only you and God know this. I am not a qualified doctor  I am just another child of God. Just as you and every other person are. I have a suggestion for you, okay... what I did when I had pain like you have is, I would often plead to God and cry desperately  for his help and ask him why. Then one day he told me took look at my heart with my eyes and not the negative eyes of others. Well you know what I found. I found a person with the most amazing beautiful heart  I had ever seen and I didn't have, not even one mean bone in my body. All those years, I just couldn't find a way out, I was waiting for someone to tell me what to do. But God did this for me and I am so amazingly grateful. This has freed me from my pain and  has allowed me to slowly do the work God had planned for me, which has pleased God very much. He has a plan for you and he needs you just as much as he needed Jesus. He needs all of us equally. I hope some or even all of this can be helpful for you.

Comment by feet breath on September 9, 2013 at 4:40pm

Thank you very much Amanda.

I just don't know how to handle this situation. I blame myself so no one else has to be blamed. It's how I've coped with life for I don't know how long. It gives me a little bit of sense of control to blame myself. For if I didn't have that little bit of control that means I'd be powerless. 

 

I'm terrified to even say what is going on. For whenever I end up talking about this subject it eventually gets me into trouble. I'm trapped by so much. I want to cry. And if something happens it will be all my fault because I knew ahead of time the danger they were in. I don't want to say what is going on because I don't want to get banned again [happened on a forum June of 2012] or be terrified I will get banned again. That was on another forum just a couple days ago. The thread got locked. I took the hint. I remember in June of 2012 I was told I didn't listen to her [she wanted me to stop talking. I asked someone else and that person said it was ok. I didn't relize I'd end up banned.] so she banned me. Well,the locked thread [from another forum] was a hint never to bring up the subject again. I mentioned it before but went into a little more detail that time...That thread getting locked got me terrified I'd end up mentioning it again someday so I left. I'd rather leave than risk bringing up the subject and risk getting banned. I know I'm a stumbling block. I know I'm a burden to them. I don't ever have to burden them again though because I no longer visit that forum. They are better off without a wretch like me. They tried to help but for some reason the thread got locked. They really didn't understand how intense this situation is though [atleast they tried to help].

 

If something happens it'll be my fault...I know the dangers,I know the risks. I don't care what will happen to me. I just don't want them to get hurt...

 

I don't want to say what is going on though. For if I get banned on here...That'll be too much on me. My heart couldn't handle that. I already felt like I may be slipping into a depression.