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Amanda's Blog (262)

How could I enjoy myself when others are suffering?

Have you ever wondered how it's possible to be at peace and still enjoy things when there is so much suffering going on around you?



I remember always feeling this way, even to the point of wondering, when Dad was terminally ill, how could I possibly enjoy so much as just having a hot cup of coffee with a warm danish while someone so close to me was suffering?



I've always felt bad because others were feeling bad.



I suppose it's sympathy, but it means I suffer…

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Added by Amanda on December 18, 2014 at 8:00pm — 5 Comments

A ship with damaged sails ...

I can feel myself beginning to shut down, again.



It's happening, almost just like before, when a series of negative events occurred, and I couldn't stand up to the stress from the challenges in my life, and I gave in to depression.



The feeling is like being a ship with damaged sails, just casting adrift.



It's like that phrase that is often said where one will "freeze like a deer in the headlights" not only unable to move, but unable to think clearly or make good… Continue

Added by Amanda on December 6, 2014 at 11:30pm — 2 Comments

No way of knowing ...

One of my brothers is terminally ill. I have seven brothers, five older, two younger. He is second to my oldest brother. 



He has chronic progressive liver disease and is not a candidate for liver transplantation. 



His health has been gradually declining for several years, but such is the case for those diseases that cause organ failure.



I saw him on Thanksgiving Day, while visiting my mother.



He was using a cane, but was unable to stand for any length… Continue

Added by Amanda on December 4, 2014 at 5:00pm — No Comments

I can't relate to them.

Although I have kept asking to know Him better, I've been growing further and further away from God, not closer. 



I have heard others describing their deep and meaningful relationships with God, their growing faith, their immense love, but I struggle with the feeling of being cut off, being forgotten. 



My heart echoes the sentiment found in this verse, "I say to God, my rock: “Why have you forgotten me? Why do I go mourning because of the oppression of the enemy?” Ps… Continue

Added by Amanda on November 29, 2014 at 9:30pm — 2 Comments

There's nothing anyone can do ...

I say them often to myself. 



Those words, I wish I was never born. 



It's a negative message that I received as a child.



I wish you were never born. 



It remains with me.



There's nothing anyone can do to change the past, or to remove its pain, or to fix the damage. 



As I was praying, during the early hours this morning, I acknowledged all of it to God, and especially that it can't be fixed -- the damage. It's done.



I… Continue

Added by Amanda on November 23, 2014 at 10:30pm — No Comments

I won't be able to do this in my own strength.

Last evening, it was more of an introduction for new volunteers, than a training session, which I attended, and the speaker, a licensed clinical social worker for the advocacy agency committed to helping victims of domestic violence, shared information about their mission and ways that they help survivors heal, as well as the dynamics of abuse, warning signs of violence, and how to respond.



The meeting was held in the conference room at the shelter, which is located on a farm, fully… Continue

Added by Amanda on November 12, 2014 at 11:00pm — No Comments

I'm praying for courage ...

Whenever I begin feeling hopeful or joyful, even in small ways, I also feel I am waiting for inevitable bad things to happen.



Always, it seems that the one event that brings joy is linked somehow to the other event that brings a trial, and even when the joy is very light and small, the trial is very bitter and hard, and, all too often, it will consist of more than one problem.



Nonetheless, I have to press on. I mustn't turn back.



I've asked God to come into all… Continue

Added by Amanda on November 11, 2014 at 7:00pm — No Comments

I wonder if He means me ...

As I sat alone on the sofa, tonight, I noticed a bright light starting to shine through the cracks of the closed window blind, hanging on my front door.



I peeked through it and then stepped outside the front door into the chilly air.



The moon was rising in the east, a full round disc, right behind the empty, dilapidated, old farmhouse that sits, noiselessly, just across the way. 



Its ruins to most are an eyesore, with shattered window panes and rotting… Continue

Added by Amanda on November 7, 2014 at 8:00pm — No Comments

Makes me want to withdraw inside and isolate from life even more ...

What a blustery and rainy November day it has been, with falling leaves rustling and swirling through the air and the cold wind scattering and scurrying them across the ground. 



The trees are almost bare now and the grass in the fields is turning brown. 



What a dismal day. 



What a dismal mood. 



Nature can push its discomfort onto me. 



I'm easily influenced by weather. 



Cold makes me want to withdraw inside and isolate from life… Continue

Added by Amanda on November 6, 2014 at 7:30pm — No Comments

When you're crying, your vision is blurred.

My next birthday must be a very important one. I've been getting a lot of mail saying I must reply before my birthday. It's from life insurance companies, and they are saying I'll soon be at an age when many life insurance companies will begin to look at me differently. 



I have only until my birthday to accept their offers.



So what?



I already have a life insurance policy, and I'm not too affected by the anxiety inducing sales pitches that, seemingly, are meant… Continue

Added by Amanda on November 5, 2014 at 4:00pm — No Comments

The truth of what I think ...

When you are down, you have negative thoughts, and when your thoughts are negative, you feel even lower.



Depression changes thinking, and thinking keeps changing during depression.



It's a circle of futility. 



The thinking can consist of just images or words or memories, and, to me, it seems reasonable, not distorted. 



Ugly. Stupid. Trash.



The words reflect truth --the truth of what I think about me, what I believe so strongly.



So… Continue

Added by Amanda on October 31, 2014 at 12:00pm — No Comments

Looking for the good things among the bad ...

One day, close to the end of September, my husband took me to a nearby lake and we spent the day together.

It was sunny and warm, with a brisk wind blowing, and the clouds were puffy, like enormous pieces of cotton, and being in nature somehow always makes me feel closer to God, and, also,…

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Added by Amanda on October 19, 2014 at 5:00pm — 2 Comments

Taking life so seriously ...

On Thursday, it will be six weeks since a disc ruptured in the lower back of my eight year old dachshund, Corbin. Since then, I've learned that ruptured discs are very frequent in doxies and that the degeneration of the discs begins to occur during their first year of life, culminating in impingement upon the spinal cord, generally somewhere around the ages of 3 to 6. 



Corbin is almost 9, and I feel that he has been blessed, at least for it not to have happened to him any… Continue

Added by Amanda on October 13, 2014 at 12:00pm — 6 Comments

A way of seeking a cure ...

A steady rain is falling, here, today, and, at times, the wind is getting on the strong side. The past several days have been the same way -- rainy, chilly, and dismal, with one round after another of showers and storms.

However, on Thursday morning, at 7:42 a.m., the sunrise was like a painting…

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Added by Amanda on October 7, 2014 at 12:30pm — 10 Comments

I'm gonna get out of bed every morning ...

Autumn begins.

Today, four years ago, I wanted to end it all. There are times when I think about that day and wonder why I'm still here. It's difficult to explain the kind of anguish that leads to thoughts of suicide. Plus, there's shame and stigma attached to it, making it difficult to talk about, regardless.

But sometimes I get asked what I'm going to do today, and the best answer still that I can think of is the one that Tom Hanks' character gave during the…

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Added by Amanda on September 22, 2014 at 2:00pm — No Comments

So many past mistakes

"You can go through in January," said the Regional Coordinator for the Rape Crisis Center. "I will email you the schedule when it gets…

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Added by Amanda on September 14, 2014 at 4:30pm — 6 Comments

Give Your Strength

I did what I had to do to survive and get through it. 



That's how I feel about what happened a few years ago. 



That's how I feel about my childhood and about my whole life in general. 



Part of what I did to survive as a child was turning to God. 



Another part was suppressing or trying to forget painful encounters and events after experiencing them, and another part included using detachment and withdrawing and distancing myself from… Continue

Added by Amanda on September 8, 2014 at 7:17pm — 7 Comments

Wanting an identity again

It's not too late. Over the weekend, I deleted a few of my recent blog posts, ones in which I was journaling about seeking to volunteer in a program at a Rape Crisis Center to help victims of sexual assault and their families. 



I intended to call today to withdraw from the screening and selecting process of becoming a volunteer in the program, but, I opened my email account early this morning and saw a message from the staff member who had interviewed and admitted me into the… Continue

Added by Amanda on September 2, 2014 at 3:00pm — 20 Comments

Why does love have to be so important?

I believe I don’t have what it takes to do anything well. 



For two nights now I've had terrible nightmares. 



In one, I was in a fiery furnace, and in another I attempted suicide. 



I feel I'm not smart enough to do anything, anymore, and I'm so hard on myself when I don’t do things just right. I'm very dumb. I already know that.



My own critical inner voice is very destructive of me, all on its own, but I'm easily torn down by the words of others,… Continue

Added by Amanda on August 16, 2014 at 4:30pm — 2 Comments

I became a quitter.

I'm finding it difficult to focus on God's purpose for my life because, very simply, my purpose is to glorify Him in everything I do and think and say, but fulfilling that quest isn't very simple, for many things vie for that focus, such as old patterns of thinking and reacting, like seeking approval from others and remembering past failure and inadequacy, and my direction isn't clear. I just drift along, and, as if that isn't bad enough, I don't know how to rely on the Spirit to serve… Continue

Added by Amanda on August 9, 2014 at 10:30am — 2 Comments

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