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Amanda's Blog (257)

I won't be able to do this in my own strength.

Last evening, it was more of an introduction for new volunteers, than a training session, which I attended, and the speaker, a licensed clinical social worker for the advocacy agency committed to helping victims of domestic violence, shared information about their mission and ways that they help survivors heal, as well as the dynamics of abuse, warning signs of violence, and how to respond.

The meeting was held in the conference room at the shelter, which is located on a farm, fully… Continue

Added by Amanda on November 12, 2014 at 11:00pm — No Comments

I'm praying for courage ...

Whenever I begin feeling hopeful or joyful, even in small ways, I also feel I am waiting for inevitable bad things to happen.

Always, it seems that the one event that brings joy is linked somehow to the other event that brings a trial, and even when the joy is very light and small, the trial is very bitter and hard, and, all too often, it will consist of more than one problem.

Nonetheless, I have to press on. I mustn't turn back.

I've asked God to come into all… Continue

Added by Amanda on November 11, 2014 at 7:00pm — No Comments

I wonder if He means me ...

As I sat alone on the sofa, tonight, I noticed a bright light starting to shine through the cracks of the closed window blind, hanging on my front door.

I peeked through it and then stepped outside the front door into the chilly air.

The moon was rising in the east, a full round disc, right behind the empty, dilapidated, old farmhouse that sits, noiselessly, just across the way. 

Its ruins to most are an eyesore, with shattered window panes and rotting… Continue

Added by Amanda on November 7, 2014 at 8:00pm — No Comments

Makes me want to withdraw inside and isolate from life even more ...

What a blustery and rainy November day it has been, with falling leaves rustling and swirling through the air and the cold wind scattering and scurrying them across the ground. 

The trees are almost bare now and the grass in the fields is turning brown. 

What a dismal day. 

What a dismal mood. 

Nature can push its discomfort onto me. 

I'm easily influenced by weather. 

Cold makes me want to withdraw inside and isolate from life… Continue

Added by Amanda on November 6, 2014 at 7:30pm — No Comments

When you're crying, your vision is blurred.

My next birthday must be a very important one. I've been getting a lot of mail saying I must reply before my birthday. It's from life insurance companies, and they are saying I'll soon be at an age when many life insurance companies will begin to look at me differently. 

I have only until my birthday to accept their offers.

So what?

I already have a life insurance policy, and I'm not too affected by the anxiety inducing sales pitches that, seemingly, are meant… Continue

Added by Amanda on November 5, 2014 at 4:00pm — No Comments

The truth of what I think ...

When you are down, you have negative thoughts, and when your thoughts are negative, you feel even lower.

Depression changes thinking, and thinking keeps changing during depression.

It's a circle of futility. 

The thinking can consist of just images or words or memories, and, to me, it seems reasonable, not distorted. 

Ugly. Stupid. Trash.

The words reflect truth --the truth of what I think about me, what I believe so strongly.

So… Continue

Added by Amanda on October 31, 2014 at 12:00pm — No Comments

Looking for the good things among the bad ...

One day, close to the end of September, my husband took me to a nearby lake and we spent the day together.

It was sunny and warm, with a brisk wind blowing, and the clouds were puffy, like enormous pieces of cotton, and being in nature somehow always makes me feel closer to God, and, also,…


Added by Amanda on October 19, 2014 at 5:00pm — 2 Comments

Taking life so seriously ...

On Thursday, it will be six weeks since a disc ruptured in the lower back of my eight year old dachshund, Corbin. Since then, I've learned that ruptured discs are very frequent in doxies and that the degeneration of the discs begins to occur during their first year of life, culminating in impingement upon the spinal cord, generally somewhere around the ages of 3 to 6. 

Corbin is almost 9, and I feel that he has been blessed, at least for it not to have happened to him any… Continue

Added by Amanda on October 13, 2014 at 12:00pm — 6 Comments

A way of seeking a cure ...

A steady rain is falling, here, today, and, at times, the wind is getting on the strong side. The past several days have been the same way -- rainy, chilly, and dismal, with one round after another of showers and storms.

However, on Thursday morning, at 7:42 a.m., the sunrise was like a painting…


Added by Amanda on October 7, 2014 at 12:30pm — 10 Comments

I'm gonna get out of bed every morning ...

Autumn begins.

Today, four years ago, I wanted to end it all. There are times when I think about that day and wonder why I'm still here. It's difficult to explain the kind of anguish that leads to thoughts of suicide. Plus, there's shame and stigma attached to it, making it difficult to talk about, regardless.

But sometimes I get asked what I'm going to do today, and the best answer still that I can think of is the one that Tom Hanks' character gave during the…


Added by Amanda on September 22, 2014 at 2:00pm — No Comments

So many past mistakes

"You can go through in January," said the Regional Coordinator for the Rape Crisis Center. "I will email you the schedule when it gets…


Added by Amanda on September 14, 2014 at 4:30pm — 6 Comments

Give Your Strength

I did what I had to do to survive and get through it. 

That's how I feel about what happened a few years ago. 

That's how I feel about my childhood and about my whole life in general. 

Part of what I did to survive as a child was turning to God. 

Another part was suppressing or trying to forget painful encounters and events after experiencing them, and another part included using detachment and withdrawing and distancing myself from… Continue

Added by Amanda on September 8, 2014 at 7:17pm — 7 Comments

Wanting an identity again

It's not too late. Over the weekend, I deleted a few of my recent blog posts, ones in which I was journaling about seeking to volunteer in a program at a Rape Crisis Center to help victims of sexual assault and their families. 

I intended to call today to withdraw from the screening and selecting process of becoming a volunteer in the program, but, I opened my email account early this morning and saw a message from the staff member who had interviewed and admitted me into the… Continue

Added by Amanda on September 2, 2014 at 3:00pm — 20 Comments

Why does love have to be so important?

I believe I don’t have what it takes to do anything well. 

For two nights now I've had terrible nightmares. 

In one, I was in a fiery furnace, and in another I attempted suicide. 

I feel I'm not smart enough to do anything, anymore, and I'm so hard on myself when I don’t do things just right. I'm very dumb. I already know that.

My own critical inner voice is very destructive of me, all on its own, but I'm easily torn down by the words of others,… Continue

Added by Amanda on August 16, 2014 at 4:30pm — 2 Comments

I became a quitter.

I'm finding it difficult to focus on God's purpose for my life because, very simply, my purpose is to glorify Him in everything I do and think and say, but fulfilling that quest isn't very simple, for many things vie for that focus, such as old patterns of thinking and reacting, like seeking approval from others and remembering past failure and inadequacy, and my direction isn't clear. I just drift along, and, as if that isn't bad enough, I don't know how to rely on the Spirit to serve… Continue

Added by Amanda on August 9, 2014 at 10:30am — 2 Comments

This painful pattern that binds me ...

I want to begin this post with a warning. If you have been a victim of abuse or assault, reading the thoughts and feelings that I'm going to share in the next few paragraphs could trigger some of your own painful memories and feelings. 

God has been working within me, giving me insight, and beginning to break some of my negative patterns.

I struggle with shame, guilt, and blame each time I remember some past experiences. It's a terrible cycle of pain, and I have felt like… Continue

Added by Amanda on August 1, 2014 at 5:30pm — No Comments

Some frightening steps ...

My husband and son have been away, on a "father/son bonding" road trip. It includes golfing and off-roading. Our son just recently turned 18. It's sort of a mutual birthday commemoration, I guess. Their birthdays are less than a month apart.

I went for a drive, yesterday. The sky and the countryside were both unusually scenic, displaying green hills with enormous cumulus clouds above, and I felt like God was purposely showing it to me.…


Added by Amanda on July 18, 2014 at 8:45am — 2 Comments

If there is any encouragement in Christ ...

Today, my devotions included an article about having interdependent relationships. The members of the Body of Christ are interdependent versus independent and dependent. There are many "one another" passages in Scripture and to be equipped to do something for another requires independence (internal control and internal responsibility) and to be enabled to accept something from another requires dependence (having needs that must be met by others). This is interdependence,… Continue

Added by Amanda on July 15, 2014 at 4:30pm — No Comments

Poem, Letting Go

"Letting Go"

* To "let go" does not mean to stop caring; it means I can't do it for someone else.

* To "let go" is not to cut myself off; it's the realization I can't control another.

* To "let go" is not to enable, but to allow learning from natural consequences.

* To "let go" is to admit powerlessness, which means the outcome is not in my hands.

* To "let go" is not to try to change or blame another; it's to make the most of myself.

* To "let go" is not to care… Continue

Added by Amanda on July 14, 2014 at 9:00am — 2 Comments

What do You have in mind, Lord?

I heard the words in my heart, “Keep rowing. I’m with you in the storm.”

I was reading Mark 6:30-56 (NIV). The disciples had spent the day sitting at the feet of Jesus but it says “their hearts were hardened” (v.52) and although they had watched Jesus feed 5000 with five loaves and two fish, they had not understood.

Jesus made them get into a boat and go on ahead of Him while He dismissed the crowd (v. 45). Then “He went up on a mountainside to pray”…


Added by Amanda on July 6, 2014 at 12:35pm — No Comments

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