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Amanda's Blog (294)

Almost as if it had never happened

The article was about adults who have survived child abuse, and it said, "Children who are abused internalise profoundly negative messages about themselves, their place in the world and other people" Briere & Scott (2006).

It continued, "These negative messages often persist into…


Added by Amanda on August 26, 2015 at 8:30am — No Comments

I can't answer that.

When I feel insecure, the only thing that helps me is to receive reassurance, but I don't always receive it. In fact, it seems like I seldom do and like I only end up focusing even more on my worries, and then, the more uncertainty I face, the less I want to do anything, and the less I want to engage in life. It…


Added by Amanda on August 7, 2015 at 2:30pm — No Comments

I can't do what I used to do.

Yesterday was my first day out and about on my own. I had Siri with me, of course. I can use her to get directions from maps on my iPhone.

However, Apple maps aren't always so right and on target for navigation.

For instance, Siri will sometimes take you in circles or lead you to the back door of…


Added by Amanda on July 29, 2015 at 6:00am — No Comments

I must become less.

The other day, as he and I were discussing angst, a friend of mine reminded me of Mark Twain's humorous quote: "I've lived through some terrible things in my life, some of which actually happened."

I laughed, but seriously, angst is a feeling of deep anxiety or dread, and I suffer through it almost everyday. One of my biggest and most ingrained faults is that I imagine possibilities and scenarios that don't exist but could happen, and I worry about them happening, and that's a main… Continue

Added by Amanda on July 25, 2015 at 10:30am — No Comments

I don't want to be forgotten by God.

“Your rod and your staff, they comfort me” (Psalm 23:4).

Long ago, I memorized Psalm 23, as I'm sure nearly every Christian has, and sometimes I pray through it, along with the Lord's Prayer, and, today, I've been thinking about verse 4, and wondering in what ways sheep are comforted by a shepherd's rod. I think I can understand how a staff might bring comfort to them, but the word rod makes me think of punishment ... beatings.

I've read that the rod is a weapon…


Added by Amanda on July 19, 2015 at 8:00pm — No Comments

Where's home for you?

It still isn't feeling like home, but I'm making at least some bit of progress in becoming more acclimated to my new surroundings.

I wonder how long it will take after moving here for it to feel like home?

I've unpacked all of the boxes and the bags, except for the ones containing all of the…


Added by Amanda on July 17, 2015 at 11:30am — No Comments

It's something we do alone ...

A few days ago, while I was in the stationary and greeting card section of a store and looking through the cards of sympathy, trying to find one with an appropriate message to send to my mother and another one for my sister in law, I noticed that the same bible verse kept appearing repetitively on a great many of the cards.

"Blessed are those that mourn for they shall be comforted."

The cards all seemed to be making the statement, more or less, that those that mourn shall… Continue

Added by Amanda on July 13, 2015 at 11:00am — No Comments

Did he know that he was loved?


Added by Amanda on July 2, 2015 at 10:00am — 12 Comments

All that really matters is if God is in the room.

My older brother, who has chronic progressive liver disease, is in the ICU of a University Hospital in Ohio. He's been there since early yesterday morning, and, at first, the news was that he is in kidney failure but stable on life support and receiving dialysis.

Later, his wife reported that he's…


Added by Amanda on July 1, 2015 at 9:30am — 1 Comment

I want to believe that I matter to God.

Throughout the pages of this blog, I have shared my true journey in life, which began as a helpless child who was raised in abject poverty and who was violated, neglected, and abused—physically, emotionally, and sexually— and who has continued as an adult to gradually move forward while suffering from many problems that are common to those who have been abused as children but that are nonetheless painful and severe.

In fact, the problems can be so severe for some people that they can… Continue

Added by Amanda on June 21, 2015 at 7:00pm — No Comments

Do you ever wish that you were not so different?

Always, I have so much angst, and I'm sure it's linked to childhood in many ways, one of which is a trickle down effect from my parents being anxious, and then, of course, their behavior provoked anxiety in me, but I think anxiety is caused by both genes and the environment. It's not an either/or, but, if the environment can be controlled, then children won't become anxious just due to their genes.

Unfortunately, children can't do much about their environment or their… Continue

Added by Amanda on June 17, 2015 at 6:30pm — No Comments

Have you ever wanted to blame something or someone for what isn’t right in your life?

Since moving, I feel weird in a way that's difficult to describe and everything seems foreign to me. I've heard that moves can be jarring, and I've moved a total of eight times in my lifetime, counting leaving my childhood home, which was the one other time that I moved to another state, like this time, but none of the times do I remember ever feeling this way -- a weird way that I can't quite define.

I've hurt my left shoulder and arm while moving. It feels like pulled muscles and… Continue

Added by Amanda on June 15, 2015 at 7:00pm — 2 Comments

It's better not to give anyone the chance to hurt you.

My son graduates from high school tomorrow night, and I've been preparing for it.

He must wear a white shirt, tie, dark dress slacks, and dress shoes.

People attending the ceremony can't wear casual attire, either, but must bring some "pomp and formality back to the outdoor…


Added by Amanda on June 4, 2015 at 7:30pm — 10 Comments

How do you handle it when it feels like God is punishing you?

Once, I did a bible study by Jeffrey S. Forrey called, "There Still Are Reasons For Hope." He is a biblical counselor, and it was about the causes of hopelessness, and he said that one reason it happens to us is that we become more concerned about present happiness/comfort than about living for the glory of God.

I'm sure it's very true, but I find that it's hard to live for God's glory alone, as your purpose for existing, when people are picking on you, belittling and ridiculing you… Continue

Added by Amanda on May 29, 2015 at 11:00am — 12 Comments

I feel as if I'm being torn in two

She said, "No," and shook her head adamantly. "That's not what you need, and I'm not going to do it." 

I asked her again, and she said, "You have a beautiful face!" She was trying to make me feel better. She continued, "I've had to shave the heads of women before who've come in here, suffering from the effects of chemo, illness, or for some other reason, but it's not your turn. You don't need that."

Sometimes I don't know what I need, but I think my hair looks just as bad… Continue

Added by Amanda on May 26, 2015 at 5:30pm — No Comments

Do you like yourself?

I make a grocery list.

Well, I have a magnetic notepad and pen on the refrigerator door and I write down things as they run out or get used up. It might sound funny but lists make me anxious. Lol.

A list of things that I need to do makes me feel restless until I get everything on it done.

I used to make lists of goals. I have several old folders that are filled with my writings and notes over the years.

One list that I wrote back in 2005… Continue

Added by Amanda on May 23, 2015 at 8:27am — 2 Comments

Am I Worth Saving?

Yesterday, in my morning devotions I read about God knowing our afflictions, based on the Lord saying to the Christians in Smyrna, “I know your afflictions and your poverty—yet you are rich!” (Revelation 2:9) and, then, this morning, I read about God knowing our love and faith, based on where He told the Christians at Thyatira, “I know your deeds, your love and faith, your service and perseverance, and that you are now doing more than you did at first”(Revelation 2:19).

Am I…


Added by Amanda on May 22, 2015 at 1:00pm — 2 Comments

This doesn't mean that all of the stuff that was making me unhappy isn't still there.

I'm not med free, anymore, and it bothers me because I know that research shows that talk therapy (counseling) is more effective in re-wiring the brain, or at least in re-working it, so that mental wounds are actually dealt with in a way that they might heal even while they are causing the depression that is leading to the chemical imbalance, and, unlike drugs, it works without the threat of dangerous side effects, but I needed more serotonin (the neurotransmitter that transmits good feelings)… Continue

Added by Amanda on May 18, 2015 at 6:36pm — 3 Comments

How could it ever be possible for me to ... become able to meet situations that I can't even anticipate facing?

Was it just coincidence? 

A few days ago, both of the devotionals from which I've currently been reading and which are written by two different authors, for that specific day, were about Romans 8:28. Then I read from Spurgeon's Morning and Evening Devotional, and he stated in the evening one that "The sighs, the ignorance, the feebleness of the little ones of His flock draw forth His compassion," but I've never imagined that to be true. I've always viewed God as being angered by my… Continue

Added by Amanda on May 16, 2015 at 9:30am — 12 Comments

I'll never have a faith that will be stronger than all my fears.

It's hard for me to separate what are my own plans and solutions from just surrendering to God's will. I think, at times, that maybe God always wants me to come up with solutions for myself, all by myself.

Maybe I'm wrong.

Maybe God really always wants to just work things out for us by…


Added by Amanda on May 12, 2015 at 6:30pm — 10 Comments

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