Things keep coming at me out of nowhere, and they're devastating events, not just small annoyances like the kind that can ruin your day or your mood. They are serious things that involve intense helplessness and fear, and I'm not like other people when it comes to being able to bounce back after terrible events or situations happen. With me, after they happen, for some reason, I'm not able to return to feeling and living like I did before they happened. Most people can make that adjustment, or,… Continue
Added by Amanda on November 21, 2015 at 5:30pm —
Have you felt as if your life is cursed, as if you are cursed?
At times I feel as if God has chosen for me to be at the mercy of many things in my life that have gone wrong, at the mercy of illness, and at the mercy of people to be abused, assaulted, or injured physically, emotionally, mentally, and verbally, and for me to always feel helpless and vulnerable, struggling with the need to be in control.
I keep looking for ways to regain control of my life.
The autumn equinox has passed and fall has arrived in this hemisphere. Although it's my favorite time of year, as far as weather and nature go, it's the anniversary of a day I'll never forget, even though I don't remember it very clearly, either. It was the darkest day in my life, and the day I gave up and…
Sometimes I look into the eyes of strangers, to see if they will acknowledge me, give me a smile or say hello.
I could be wrong, but I think most people want others to really see them and to not be dismissive of them, and they want to not feel the sting of judgment in their eyes, reflecting back to them, but to find there, instead, understanding and acceptance of who they are, of the way they look, and so forth.
Sometimes I think, wouldn't it be great if everyone could… Continue
Added by Amanda on September 20, 2015 at 6:00pm —
If it wasn't sweater weather the last time I posted a blog entry, it is definitely time for it, now, at least in the mornings and the evenings, when I sit outside on the patio.
The high today was forecast as 79, but this morning it was only 57, although it turned out to be a pleasant afternoon, warm and sunny and clear. Tonight's low is 48. As I write this, it's nearing sunset, and the temperatures will gradually fall from then on.
I've been seeing the first hints of autumn--leaves changing colors and falling to the ground--but it definitely isn't time for sweaters. The high today was forecast as 90 and it's been a muggy afternoon.
Fall is my favorite time of year. I love the bursts of colors, the orange, gold, and russet hues,…
The article was about adults who have survived child abuse, and it said, "Children who are abused internalise profoundly negative messages about themselves, their place in the world and other people" Briere & Scott (2006).
It continued, "These negative messages often persist into…
When I feel insecure, the only thing that helps me is to receive reassurance, but I don't always receive it. In fact, it seems like I seldom do and like I only end up focusing even more on my worries, and then, the more uncertainty I face, the less I want to do anything, and the less I want to engage in life. It…
The other day, as he and I were discussing angst, a friend of mine reminded me of Mark Twain's humorous quote: "I've lived through some terrible things in my life, some of which actually happened."
I laughed, but seriously, angst is a feeling of deep anxiety or dread, and I suffer through it almost everyday. One of my biggest and most ingrained faults is that I imagine possibilities and scenarios that don't exist but could happen, and I worry about them happening, and that's a main… Continue
Added by Amanda on July 25, 2015 at 10:30am —
“Your rod and your staff, they comfort me” (Psalm 23:4).
Long ago, I memorized Psalm 23, as I'm sure nearly every Christian has, and sometimes I pray through it, along with the Lord's Prayer, and, today, I've been thinking about verse 4, and wondering in what ways sheep are comforted by a shepherd's rod. I think I can understand how a staff might bring comfort to them, but the word rod makes me think of punishment ... beatings.
A few days ago, while I was in the stationary and greeting card section of a store and looking through the cards of sympathy, trying to find one with an appropriate message to send to my mother and another one for my sister in law, I noticed that the same bible verse kept appearing repetitively on a great many of the cards.
"Blessed are those that mourn for they shall be comforted."
The cards all seemed to be making the statement, more or less, that those that mourn shall… Continue
Added by Amanda on July 13, 2015 at 11:00am —
My older brother, who has chronic progressive liver disease, is in the ICU of a University Hospital in Ohio. He's been there since early yesterday morning, and, at first, the news was that he is in kidney failure but stable on life support and receiving dialysis.
Throughout the pages of this blog, I have shared my true journey in life, which began as a helpless child who was raised in abject poverty and who was violated, neglected, and abused—physically, emotionally, and sexually— and who has continued as an adult to gradually move forward while suffering from many problems that are common to those who have been abused as children but that are nonetheless painful and severe.
In fact, the problems can be so severe for some people that they can… Continue
Added by Amanda on June 21, 2015 at 7:00pm —