Today, four years ago, I wanted to end it all. There are times when I think about that day and wonder why I'm still here. It's difficult to explain the kind of anguish that leads to thoughts of suicide. Plus, there's shame and stigma attached to it, making it difficult to talk about, regardless.
But sometimes I get asked what I'm going to do today, and the best answer still that I can think of is the one that Tom Hanks' character gave during the… Continue
Added by Amanda on September 22, 2014 at 2:00pm —
"You can go through in January," said the Regional Coordinator at the Rape Crisis Center. "I will email you the schedule when it gets… Continue
Added by Amanda on September 14, 2014 at 4:30pm —
I did what I had to do to survive and get through it.
That's how I feel about what happened a few years ago.
That's how I feel about my childhood and about my whole life in general.
Part of what I did to survive as a child was turning to God.
Another part was suppressing or trying to forget painful encounters and events after experiencing them, and another part included using detachment and withdrawing and distancing myself from… Continue
Added by Amanda on September 8, 2014 at 7:17pm —
It's not too late. Over the weekend, I deleted a few of my recent blog posts, ones in which I was journaling about seeking to volunteer in a program at a Rape Crisis Center to help victims of sexual assault and their families.
I intended to call today to withdraw from the screening and selecting process of becoming a volunteer in the program, but, I opened my email account early this morning and saw a message from the staff member who had interviewed and admitted me into the… Continue
Added by Amanda on September 2, 2014 at 3:00pm —
I believe I don’t have what it takes to do anything well.
For two nights now I've had terrible nightmares.
In one, I was in a fiery furnace, and in another I attempted suicide.
I feel I'm not smart enough to do anything, anymore, and I'm so hard on myself when I don’t do things just right. I'm very dumb. I already know that.
My own critical inner voice is very destructive of me, all on its own, but I'm easily torn down by the words of others,… Continue
Added by Amanda on August 16, 2014 at 4:30pm —
I'm finding it difficult to focus on God's purpose for my life because, very simply, my purpose is to glorify Him in everything I do and think and say, but fulfilling that quest isn't very simple, for many things vie for that focus, such as old patterns of thinking and reacting, like seeking approval from others and remembering past failure and inadequacy, and my direction isn't clear. I just drift along, and, as if that isn't bad enough, I don't know how to rely on the Spirit to serve… Continue
Added by Amanda on August 9, 2014 at 10:30am —
I want to begin this post with a warning. If you have been a victim of abuse or assault, reading the thoughts and feelings that I'm going to share in the next few paragraphs could trigger some of your own painful memories and feelings.
God has been working within me, giving me insight, and beginning to break some of my negative patterns.
I struggle with shame, guilt, and blame each time I remember some past experiences. It's a terrible cycle of pain, and I have felt like… Continue
Added by Amanda on August 1, 2014 at 5:30pm —
My husband and son have been away, on a "father/son bonding" road trip. It includes golfing and off-roading. Our son just recently turned 18. It's sort of a mutual birthday commemoration, I guess. Their birthdays are less than a month apart.
I went for a drive, yesterday. The sky and the countryside were both unusually scenic, displaying green hills with enormous cumulus clouds above, and I felt like God was purposely showing it to me.…
Added by Amanda on July 18, 2014 at 8:45am —
Today, my devotions included an article about having interdependent relationships. The members of the Body of Christ are interdependent versus independent and dependent. There are many "one another" passages in Scripture and to be equipped to do something for another requires independence (internal control and internal responsibility) and to be enabled to accept something from another requires dependence (having needs that must be met by others). This is interdependence,… Continue
Added by Amanda on July 15, 2014 at 4:30pm —
* To "let go" does not mean to stop caring; it means I can't do it for someone else.
* To "let go" is not to cut myself off; it's the realization I can't control another.
* To "let go" is not to enable, but to allow learning from natural consequences.
* To "let go" is to admit powerlessness, which means the outcome is not in my hands.
* To "let go" is not to try to change or blame another; it's to make the most of myself.
* To "let go" is not to care… Continue
Added by Amanda on July 14, 2014 at 9:00am —
I heard the words in my heart, “Keep rowing. I’m with you in the storm.”
I was reading Mark 6:30-56 (NIV). The disciples had spent the day sitting at the feet of Jesus but it says “their hearts were hardened” (v.52) and although they had watched Jesus feed 5000 with five loaves and two fish, they had not understood.
Jesus made them get into a boat and go on ahead of Him while He dismissed the crowd (v. 45). Then “He went up on a mountainside to pray”… Continue
Added by Amanda on July 6, 2014 at 12:35pm —
I suppose not everyone battles the temptation to become discouraged. I battle it. At times I even believe that some would rather I did end it all, and I think, to some, it wouldn't matter, either, if I became completely discouraged from following God, because I mean nothing to them. My life has no value.
Psalm 119:114 says, "You are my hiding place and my shield; I hope in Your word" (NKJV).
When you are afraid, you seek a hiding place and a protective shield.
Added by Amanda on July 4, 2014 at 12:00am —
Added by Amanda on June 29, 2014 at 6:00pm —
On the property just across the road from my home, the owner keeps goats. He doesn't live on the property but stops by every morning and evening to care for them.
I have to laugh at the goats. They are comical. Several times I've heard distressful bleating and have gone to the rescue because one of them… Continue
Added by Amanda on June 27, 2014 at 11:30am —
The Pit, Author Unknown To Me
A man fell into a pit and could not get himself out.
A Subjective person came along and said, "I feel for you down there in that pit."
An Objective person came along and said, "It’s logical that someone would have fallen down into that pit."
A Christian Scientist came along and said, "You only think you’re in the pit."
A Pharisee said, "Only bad people fall into the pit."
A Newspaper Reporter wanted… Continue
Added by Amanda on June 24, 2014 at 6:00pm —
Recently, someone asked in the forum: "Do you ever reflect or evaluate how you're doing in your walk with God?"
I replied: Constantly. I long for my walk to be strengthened and to draw closer to God. I think it's important to devote time in reading and studying Scripture and in prayer. The most difficult part is implementing what I learn. I want to do good works out of transformation and not simply out of choice based on duty and guilt. Transformation involves a heart that is made… Continue
Added by Amanda on June 23, 2014 at 10:00am —
My life was never self-centered.
From childhood into adulthood, my focus was to please others and to deny my own needs and wants, and my relationship with God was the same way.
I think I've earned the right, now, to be self centered and selfish, and I really don't care what others think of me for saying it.
Why should I care?
When others spend time finding fault with me for my problems and shortcomings, why should it bother me?
It really… Continue
Added by Amanda on June 22, 2014 at 2:50pm —
Added by Amanda on June 18, 2014 at 2:00pm —
I used to think that it was impossible to forgive someone who has hurt me when the person doesn't ask for it.
Everything I've read about forgiveness in Scriptures points towards asking for it, including while being wronged seventy-seven times or seventy times seven.
How odd it has always seemed to me that forgiveness could ever truly be forgiveness when someone hurts you but refuses to apologize, and the relationship isn't repaired and nothing ever changes for the… Continue
Added by Amanda on June 16, 2014 at 11:00am —
Added by Amanda on June 10, 2014 at 2:30pm —