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Amanda's Blog (216)

Celebrating the Life of Rita

A therapist told me once that, in my life, I've constantly been looking for a mother figure, someone to care about me and nourish me and love me unconditionally. 



It is true that, throughout the years of my existence, I have had several mother figures in my life, whom I met through my job or in church or in the community, and, although Rita and I have never once had a face to face encounter, we met on this social network, and she and I had this type of relationship, beginning in… Continue

Added by Amanda on April 13, 2014 at 12:30pm — 6 Comments

Having God With You

I have wondered how others praise God during hard times. It's been difficult for me, and, yet, I see so many bible passages where someone is not only seeking God and crying out to Him from a place of great pain and agony, but, ironically, is praising God, even in the middle of the anguish. 



For the ones in scripture, praise seems natural. 



For me, it seems forced.



Yet, I'm learning how to praise God again, and I can see it in a different light… Continue

Added by Amanda on April 2, 2014 at 4:30pm — No Comments

To understand how someone feels

Today's devotion suggested practicing empathy for the less fortunate in the world, such as those who don't have hot, running water or a bed.



To empathize means to understand how someone feels. It sometimes means sharing a similar experience, and the devotion suggested taking cold showers and sleeping on the floor for a few nights, but, without needing to follow those suggestions in the devotion, I already know how it feels to not have any running water or a bed. 



During… Continue

Added by Amanda on March 30, 2014 at 4:30pm — No Comments

I'm afraid it will never stop.

I'm often filled with angst.



It seems that not too many people understand angst. I have an anxiety disorder, and I feel like a burden, but, if truth be told, I am often very burdensome.



Angst is defined as "a strong feeling of being worried or nervous: a feeling of anxiety about your life or situation" m-w.com.



I bother others. Without intention, I bother others, and, yet, I do it without even realizing it, at least not until it's too late. Then, I feel guilty… Continue

Added by Amanda on March 29, 2014 at 6:00pm — No Comments

Wanting things to be a little bit different ...

I've been waiting for spring, and, here, it's in its first week, and still the temperature is barely above freezing and tonight it will drop as low as 19 °F. 



This morning, a light dusting of snow was coating the ground. 



I thought with spring, immediately things would be a little bit different around here. 



It isn't so.



I suppose I need to journal a little bit, too, on my recovery. 



I don't really view myself as recovering, or being in… Continue

Added by Amanda on March 25, 2014 at 12:00pm — No Comments

I just feel that I can't do anything about it ...

A therapist told me that being highly sensitive is a gift. This might be true, but, for me, all it means is that my response to experiences is much greater than it should be, and I just can't continue on this way. 



I'm overwhelmed by life. 



I'm too sensitive to the emotions and moods of others. It's as if I can feel their feelings and experiences myself.



I can't carry this kind of weight anymore. There's too much angst.



I wish I could just choose not… Continue

Added by Amanda on March 15, 2014 at 8:16pm — No Comments

Redemptive Pain and Self-defeating Ways

Yesterday, it was 74°F; today, it's 37°F, and the temperature keeps dropping, as colder air from another arctic blast rushes this way. It's raining and very windy. There's even a chance of snow for tonight.



The schools here have missed 22 days. Spring Break has been taken away, moving the last day of school to June 6. 



I hope there are no other cancellations for the kids' sake. Summer Break is already very short, since the new school year generally begins the second week… Continue

Added by Amanda on March 12, 2014 at 11:30am — 2 Comments

Your heart isn't really prepared for praising God ...

I need to trust God more, that He is working in me according to His own purposes. 



I have withdrawn from life because of the pain of living. 



I have believed that I've deserved the hurtful experiences that have happened to me. 



I have hated myself. 



It shows in my thoughts. 



"I deserve to feel pain when I make mistakes." 



"I deserve it when I'm treated badly." 



"Other people are better than me." 



"I hurt… Continue

Added by Amanda on March 8, 2014 at 8:00pm — 4 Comments

It's just hard for me to believe him.

Today was my day, again, for getting out of the house.

The weather was a little warmer, and the skies were clear and sunny, and after three…

Continue

Added by Amanda on March 5, 2014 at 5:00pm — 2 Comments

Dear Michelle, Beloved Friend

Dear Michelle,



I was saddened this morning when I checked my friends list and found your name missing. I would have left this following picture on your page in hopes of comforting you.



I'm writing this blog post just in case you check in on the site sometime in the next few days.



This…

Continue

Added by Amanda on March 4, 2014 at 1:39pm — No Comments

He is All I need.

It's cold, 18 °F, and Winter Storm Titan's wave of ice and snow showers has passed, leaving behind it an accumulation of several inches, and this morning's glare of bright sunlight was very reflective off of it, blinding, but also very misleading, as its rays were emanating no warmth and a bitterly harsh wind was blowing. 



I praised God that I and my family were safe and warm. 



I praised God for Who He is, His power and greatness, as I read through Psalm 135. 



6… Continue

Added by Amanda on March 3, 2014 at 6:00pm — No Comments

I've got to try harder.

At 7:30 a.m., the phone rang twice before the answering machine picked up the call. It was the pastor, calling to say church services have been cancelled for this morning due to severe weather conditions. 



Friday's storm watch became a storm warning on Saturday. It's an ice storm for now, but expected to transition over into snow by Monday with ice and snow accumulating 5-8 inches. It's being called Winter Storm Titan, and it's cold, dark, and gloomy.



I know I've got to… Continue

Added by Amanda on March 2, 2014 at 8:30am — No Comments

I can't stop hating myself.

It's clear and sunny, today, 41.0 °F, although we are presently under a winter storm watch. Freezing rain…

Continue

Added by Amanda on February 28, 2014 at 3:30pm — 4 Comments

I find it hard to rest.

I have lost faith and trust in people. I must force myself, pressure myself to do things. I think now that suppressing bad memories is actually not a bad thing, and I wish I could return to that state of mind. Dwelling on negative experiences and the painful emotions they bring up will cause post-traumatic stress disorder, anxiety, and depression, but it's too late now for me. What's done is done.



I set small goals and focus on what I can do. When Sunday comes, I want to go to… Continue

Added by Amanda on February 24, 2014 at 9:00pm — 2 Comments

I'd like to believe I'm special to God.

It says He is not unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but it refers to the temptation to sin, and the next verse speaks of drawing near to the throne of grace for mercy, to find grace to help in time of need, and it looks like He has great sympathy for us in this respect and will help in time of temptation, provide a way out, won't let it be more than what is bearable, will help us stand up under it.



I'm referring to Hebrews 4:15-16, and I'm on a quest for truth. I want to have… Continue

Added by Amanda on February 22, 2014 at 7:30pm — No Comments

No one could understand

Maybe the thought has crossed your own mind and you've wondered where is God now, as I have wondered, feeling all alone, struggling with bad experiences hanging over me like thick, dark clouds, hiding God away from me.



Getting up in the morning hasn't seemed worthwhile in a long time and so far nothing has helped me face my fears.



Fear is what I'm struggling with most right now. Yet, I don't know what I'm afraid of.



It makes no sense, I agree, and it's… Continue

Added by Amanda on February 19, 2014 at 9:00pm — 9 Comments

Hard things from your heart

Snowy weather returned last night and several inches blanketed the ground and trees by morning, making a stark contrast set against the blue sky.



Clouds were dissipating and the sun was out but it was still very cold, 26°F.



It's been one of those days when I can't seem to get warm. 



My devotion today said to "speak the hard things from your heart to the Lord."



When you're depressed, you live by sight, and then life is a very cold and dark place, and… Continue

Added by Amanda on February 15, 2014 at 6:30pm — 4 Comments

I got teary-eyed, thinking the Son Shines.

Today, it felt like springtime, once again, and was a little cloudy, but very sunny, and the temperature was 35. Much of the snow was melting away, and I needed to go out, to run a few errands, since tomorrow's forecast is calling for another winter storm, somewhere between 2-5 inches of snow, and since the last of…

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Added by Amanda on February 13, 2014 at 9:30pm — 2 Comments

God's probably not OK with it ...

I fail to overcome. I'm very troubled, and I have no idea how to move forward. Instead of overcoming challenges in life, I'm overcome by life.

My thoughts about God are imperfect, too. I've come to understand some things about God but I'm sure I still believe many wrong things about God, too.

I used to believe that God didn't always love me and that I would fall in and out of His love for me, be worthy of it and then not be worthy of it, thinking His love for me…

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Added by Amanda on February 11, 2014 at 8:30pm — 3 Comments

No Other Choice

The most common type of fear in people is said to come from having been raised in a fearful home where fear was the lifestyle and they learned that the world is a threatening place. 



Fear is often summed up as being emotional baggage, and emotional baggage is defined as inner turmoil caused by experiences in the past.  



Since everyone has emotions, then, it is said that everyone has baggage, or, at least, everyone has had some sort of baggage from the past, but many may… Continue

Added by Amanda on February 9, 2014 at 4:30pm — No Comments

The Good News

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