Traci Mitchell's Page

I grew up in an atheist home. The mention of God or Jesus would start a gigantic war, so I learned even as a young child to stay clear of that topic. I was able to sneak away with my Aunt to an occasional Easter service, or with my friend to her church which was Catholic, and my thoughts and knowledge of God was very distorted and picking up a bible to read was not something that was high on my list of priorities.

As time went on and life turned its ugly back on me I became bitter and just like the man who raised me, I wanted nothing to do with God or anything that lifestyle had to offer. Wow was I ignorant then. Looking back I knew that I was always told God was good, and the bad things in my life had very little to do with him and if I just asked him he would make things better, I had a hard time believing that and often times my brain and my heart would get into screaming matches, as my heart was telling me to learn more and give God a chance but my stubborn brain was not ready to give in.

All that changed in September of 2001 when I found out I was about to have another baby. My husband and I were struggling at the time to take care of our son, I had a daughter in Washington State with her father, and I was battling a long struggle with alcoholism, I had failed my daughter so much and I was not financially stable and the thought of bringing another baby into this world scared me to no end. But being who I am I decided to face my fears and have the baby. Four months later we found out that there was not one baby but two, and one of them was showing signs of being mentally retarded and having serious birth defects. The doctors wanted to perform all sorts of tests but I refused as they were all putting my babies at risk of being born premature. I didn’t know it then but God was there with me, and even if I didn’t believe in him he believed in me.

In June 2002 I gave birth to two happy healthy bouncing baby boys. We had bought our first house and had successful employment and life was really looking good for us. Then we were hit like a brick in the face with some of the most dreaded news any parent could hear. Austin one of the twins that had the problems ineutero was showing signs of a serious nature. He was not developing like a normal baby, at three months old he was not even trying to turn over, we constantly had to support his head because he could not hold it up, and he could not suckle a bottle without help from me to hold it in his mouth. As time went on these problems did not get better, he continued to show signs of delayed development and his gross motor skills were very slow. Just after the babies first Christmas they both became ill with the flu and I took them into the doctor when we discovered that Austin’s eye would twitch back and fourth in his head and the doctor immediately admitted him to the Hospital. Several months of tests and traveling from Amarillo to Fort Worth with many CAT Scans and MRI’s later we were finally told what was happening to our baby boy. The news was not good. His brain was not developed correctly ………… and he was showing signs of losing brain cells. The doctor told us that he could have a brain degeneration disorder and not to expect him to live much past the age of 12. I lost my mind, I was devastated with grief, I didn’t know how to be a mom to this tiny little boy, I was afraid to discipline him, I was afraid I would make a mistake with him all I could want for him was so much love and understanding in his short life that I didn’t know what to do. Songs would come on the radio and I would burst into tears, I was found on many occasions in the middle of the floor just sobbing. I couldn’t believe that my baby boy was not going to grow up to be a man.

Then one night after that horrible doctor’s visit I had been crying and trying to fall asleep when I decided to try praying for my son. This is not something I was ever taught to do so I really didn’t know how, so I just began talking to God, then begging him, and all the while sobbing. I remember asking God to help my baby and I would do anything. Like many nights before I fell asleep crying, but this time I was praying too. Some time during the night I was awakened by the sound of a man’s voice. I sat straight up in bed with a start because I knew it was not my husbands voice but I heard it loud and clear. I tried calming myself down by saying it was just a dream and I tried to go back to sleep when I heard the voice again. “Don’t Cry, Everything will be alright” this time I closed my eyes and a since of peace came over me, this was a feeling that I had not felt in a very long time and I fell asleep. I awoke the next morning feeling sure I had had a crazy dream and I continued to grieve over my son. I also continued to pray each night before I fell asleep. I had not forgotten the night I heard the voice but I certainly wasn’t going to tell any one about it…..that was until about three weeks later when we revisited the doctor who had my son’s latest MRI results ready to discuss. He started out by saying that what he thought was brain deterioration was in fact a glitch on the test and informed us that what damage that had been done ineutero was done, it would not get better and it would not get worse. My son faced a LIFETIME of problems, IE epilepsy, developmental delays, and others but he would live. That is all I heard is he would live.

As we drove home that day I looked to the Heavens and began to cry as I said thank you to God. I have been his fan ever since. Bad things have continued to happen in my life from time to time, but not one thing has ever changed my faith and my belief in God and Jesus. The blind faith and love I have for God is stronger than anything that this ole life can throw at me, and I know all I have to do is ask and he will be there for me.