A man walking on the beach was deep in prayer. Then God spoke to him saying that because he had always been faithful, one wish would be granted to him.
The man said he wanted a bridge to Hawaii so he could drive there. God said his materialistic wish was too difficult and it would take too many natural resources, and that he should think of another wish.
The man thought for a time, then said he wished that he could understand his wife, know her feelings, what she wants, and why she gives him the silent treatment and says nothing is wrong.
The Lord thought, then replied, "You want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge?"
An Amish woman was driving her buggy to town when a highway patrol
officer stopped her. "I'm not going to cite you," said the officer. "I just wanted to warn
you that the reflector on the back of your buggy is broken and it could
be dangerous." "I thank thee," replied the Amish lady. "I shall have my husband
repair it as soon as I return home."
"Also," said the officer, "I noticed one of your reins to your horse is
wrapped around his testicles. Some people might consider this cruelty to
animals, so you should have your husband check that too."
"Again I thank thee. I shall have my husband check both when I get
home." True to her word, when the Amish lady got home she told her husband
about the broken reflector, and he said he would put a new one on it immediately."Also," said the Amish woman, "The policeman said there was something wrong with the emergency brake."
A man was standing off the edge of the Sydney Harbour Bridge --about to jump. A passer-by tried to talk him down; he asked: "well, are you a Christian?" to which the man answered "yes." He exclaimed: "great, me too; what kind of Christian are you? Orthodox, Catholic, Protestant?" The answer was: "Protestant." "Me too; what kind of Protestant? Anglican, Baptist, Presbyterian, Methodist, Pentecostal?" The man got excited: "me too; are you an initial evidence or a third wave Pentecostal?" "Initial evidence." "Me too; what kind of initial evidence? Are you a AOG, CRC, COC, CCC?" "AOG." Now, he got really excited: "Me too; are you Premillenial, Post Millenial or Amillenial?" The guy on the bridge said: "Amillenial" and with that the passer-by, becoming very angry, screamed: "Die, heretic!" and pushed him off the bridge. HAHAHAHA MAN THIS ONE TOPS IT.
A little girl was sitting on her grandfather's lap as he read her a bedtime story. From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek. She was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again. Finally she spoke up, "Grandpa, did God make you?"
"Yes, sweetheart," he answered, "God made me a long time ago."
"Oh," she paused, "grandpa, did God make me too?"
"Yes, indeed, honey," he said, "God made you just a little while ago."
Feeling their respective faces again, she observed, "God's getting better at it, isn't he ?"
Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?" "Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life." The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why is the groom wearing black?"
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother," she asked "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."
A kindergarten teacher gave her class a "show and tell" assignment. Each student was instructed to bring in an object to share with the class that represented their religion. The first student got up in front of the class and said, "My name is Benjamin and I am Jewish and this is a Star of David."
The second student got up in front of the class and said, "My name is Mary. I'm a Catholic and this is a Rosary." The third student got in up front of the class and said, "My name is Tommy. I am Methodist, and this is a casserole."
A new Pastor in a small Oklahoma town spent the first four days making personal visits to each of the
members, inviting them to come to his first services.
The following Sunday the church was all but empty. Accordingly, the Pastor placed a notice in the local
newspapers, stating that, because the church was dead, it was everyone's duty to give it a decent
Christian burial. The funeral would be held the following Sunday afternoon, the notice said.
Morbidly curious, a large crowd turned out for the "funeral." In front of the pulpit, they saw a closed
coffin, smothered in flowers. After the Pastor delivered the eulogy, he opened the coffin and invited his
congregation to come forward and pay their final respects to their dead church.
Filled with curiosity as to what would represent the corpse of a "dead church," all the people eagerly
lined up to look in the coffin. Each "mourner" peeped into the coffin then quickly turned away with a
guilty, sheepish look.
In the coffin, tilted at the correct angle, was a large mirror.