thank you for your words of encouragements,i went to visit my wife today and she has got this attitude towards me almost every weekend and when it suits her to talk to me nicely she does and when ever she needs some things to be done for her the first person she phones is me eg like going to the library,she talks to me nicely,i feel like i am wanted but not needed and whenever she is around her mother she gets this arrogant way of talking to me,she just starts shouting at me for no apparent reason. well i pray and hope that you have had a very blessed day filled with the love of god.please pray for me as my court case is on wednesday
please pray for me as im feeling down today of what i had heard from my wifes cousin,he went to visit her on monday and he asked her aout reconciling ,she turns around and tell him that she wants a divorce and she is not coming back to me,when i heard that i felt like a truck that just hit me and felt all alone no one to defend me at that moment,well it is the work of the enemy he has got her captive,i tried to tell her and show her that i have changed but i geuss she is just to blind to see it at this very moment please pray for my wife,my daughter and my self for complete restoration and healing in our life and in my marriage,thank you
thank you for your support and words of encouragement thought i should share this email with you
Which Way Are We Going? -
"Why do some prodigals visit their families and seem
to have a good time, but do not come home to stay?"
Men and women who are standing with God for marriage restoration
must have a lot of faith. Along with that, they have high hopes
of a prodigal spouse soon coming home. What has happened when the
process seems to be starting, and then suddenly the prodigal
makes an 180 degree turn, once again, away from their home and
praying spouse? What happens to the stander's high hopes?
Charlyne and I pray that by now you understand that the path back
home that a prodigal spouse travels is not always a straight one.
Like a road to the top of a mountain, (and your prodigal coming
home will be a mountaintop for you), the road is not straight.
If we were to leave our home and travel north on I-95, we would
reach a point in Martin County where the compass would indicate
we are going south. Are we going north or south? Should we give
up on our northbound trip, because the compass says we are going
the opposite way? I-95 actually goes so far west in Martin County
that at one point, due to a curve, northbound cars are heading
south.
My wife and I can understand your high hopes of restoration, and
that is great, providing these hopes are based on the promises of
God. When the road home takes an unexpected turn, you need to
pray just as strongly, never doubting for a moment that God is at
work.
The foremost question on the heart of any prodigal who ever gives
thought to returning home is a simple one; "What's different
now?" It does not matter if you are separated because of
adultery, abuse, alcoholism, or any of the rest of the alphabet
of causes, your spouse wants to know what has changed so that
this nightmare will not repeat itself.
Most standers make the mistake of volunteering what is different,
reciting to their prodigal about a closer walk with the Lord, and
how much He has changed them. Your absent spouse does not want to
hear your words; he or she wants to observe the changes.
"Me change?" someone is thinking. "My spouse was the one who
committed adultery, not me. Let them change!" You need to stop
playing the blame game. Satan is the one at fault for your
situation. He attacked your family by using a pre-existing
spiritual weakness in one or both parties. Gradually, the enemy
took over that person, until they were his captive, as described
in 2 Timothy. Let's follow a typical family from the thousands we
have on our mailing list and attempt to discover why the spouse
has not come home.
It could be a husband or wife, but let's say that Jack becomes
too friendly with Susie at work. That is the point of the enemy's
attack. They progressed from being co-workers to having lunch
together most days. As they got to know each other, things
reached the, "I'll tell you my problems and you can tell me
yours." One of Jack's "problems," be it true or not, was related
as a poor or non- existent sex life at home. While Jack still
went home to Jill each evening, it was Susie, not Jill, who
occupied his thoughts.
At some point, and in some way, Jack and Susie crossed the
physical line. From that moment on, the enemy who had attacked
Jack back in the pre-lunch days now has full control of the man.
He is hearing in his spirit, "You are not good enough for Jill.
She doesn't meet your needs, but Susie sure does!" "You deserve
some happiness, not just a wife and kids." He is hearing from
Susie, in a hundred ways, "We have a future. Leave your wife for
me." The other person may even be giving your guilt-filled spouse
ultimatums that they must make a choice. Can you imagine? The
choice was made when you married. Satan has now taken full
control.
Confused Jack moves out of the family's home, leaving behind a
shocked Jill. She knew something had changed in him, but assumed
it was job pressure or mid-life crisis, or sadly, she blames
herself. You may be to blame for not praying for your family, but
certainly not for the break-up. That credit goes to the enemy,
who is out to destroy every family, thus destroying every church,
thus destroying society itself.
The months or years following are a blur of lawyers, protection
orders, battles over the unimportant, court dates, many tears,
and all the rest that most standers know too well. Jack, silently
bearing the guilt for all of this, tells himself, "Jill hates me.
She probably hated me the entire time. It is best we are
divorcing." At the same time, Susie is pushing marriage. Jack
half-heartedly agrees, knowing if he does not, that he will lose
Susie. By some means, the news is mysteriously leaked so that
Jill will hear there is a wedding being planned, adding to her
devastation.
Meanwhile, God, in His love for Jack and Jill and their family,
used some means to introduce Jill to standing with Him and
praying for the restoration of Jack back to his Heavenly Father,
and to his family. Jill turns not to people, but to her Lord God
for her support, her direction, and her decisions. During her
stand, she becomes less of the abandoned and angry woman she had
been, and more like Jesus every day. Her Bible replaces her
newspaper as her source of information. Jill's taste in music has
changed to Christian music. Prayer takes more time than the
computer. She is teachable. She has a burden for Jack's soul, now
destined for Hell, unless he changes.
Jack's sinful relationship is not going well. Susie is not the
happy person he used to dream about all the time. She is
demanding and controlling. (Do you know why? She knows that her
days with Jack are numbered and she is hanging on in any way she
can.)
Jack sees Jill every other weekend when he picks up the children,
or when he picks up his mail. Gone is the angry, spiteful woman
who sat at the opposite table in court. She has a peace that Jack
wishes he could find. She is kind to Jack, and always agreeable.
The day comes when Jack stands on his own porch, ringing his own
door bell, and is excited to see Jill, if only for a couple of
minutes. It is almost like when they were first falling in love.
He feels good when Jill calls out, "I'm praying for you," as he
walks away.
This marriage is at a crossroad. If Jill continues to stand,
there will come a day when Jack starts to confide in his wife. He
will walk inside his home and have his heart almost burst with
good memories. He will wish that he could rewind the clock and
never have met Susie. Jill will become more serious about
standing. She may fast often, and not waste time online. She
recognizes she is approaching the biggest battle of this
spiritual war for her husband's soul and for her marriage.
What if Jill takes the other road? She feels God has had enough
time and nothing seems to be happening. (But she can't see inside
Jack's heart!) What if she gives up standing and gets on with her
life, like everyone tells her to do? Some day another man will be
opening Jack's front door when he rings. Both Jack and Jill will
revert to angry people, at war not against Satan, but with one
another. Jack and Jill will probably both go on to second, and
possible third marriages. Left behind will be a string of
brokenhearted children.
If Jill continues to stand and to grow in the Lord, God will
change her, before he changes Jack. Then Jill and their home will
become a spiritual magnet for Jack. He will find the peace there
that he is seeking. Jill, still wearing her wedding rings, may
become like the other woman, as Jack shaves the truth to Susie in
order for him to see his covenant wife. Experts, of which I am
not, have said that prodigal spouses may live with one foot in
each of two worlds, as they test the water.
The prodigal comes home for the birthday parties, and then
suddenly leaves, even disappearing for a time, with no contact. I
like to compare this to the pendulum on a clock. Pull the
pendulum all the way back toward home, and when released, it will
go farther to the other side, but always returns.
What's a stander to do? Jill is not even married to Jack, yet he
drops in at home as if nothing ever happened. She should be
rejoicing, because Jack is on the way home. Jack has a tremendous
battle going on inside, between right and wrong. He is guilt-
filled and plays the "What if..." game over leaving Susie. Satan
is losing the war for this family and will pull out his major
weapons at this point.
All the time, Jack is going to be asking himself, "What's
different now?" Charlyne and I pray that all the "Jacks" will
readily see that things are different because you have now based
your life on the Lord Jesus Christ. You are living His way, and
silently inviting the one you love to come home to a totally
different spouse.
We acknowledge that not every situation will match this composite
of fictional Jack and Jill presented here. Charlyne and I pray
that you will find something herein that will help you understand
the dilemma of prodigal spouses who visit, but can't move home
(yet!)
"The Spirit of the Lord will come upon you in power, and you will
prophesy with them; and you will be changed into a different
person." I Samuel 10:6
hope and pray that you have had a very blessed day,this email really lifted me up today cos i phoned my wife and she was just very arrogant towards me on the phone,i just thought to my self and said that im not going to give in to satan tricks by getting angry, i just remained very calm,and i am glad that i did that for it made me a better person
Getting Burned -
"But on the judgment day, fire will reveal what kind of work each builder has done. The fire will show if a person's work has any value. If the work survives, that builder will receive a reward. But if the work is burned up, the builder will suffer great loss." I Corinthians 3:13-15a (NLT) My business is in a 1900 Victorian home that is beautiful! Everything seemed normal until one day as we were working someone came in screaming that the house was on fire. Within a few minutes three fire engines came roaring down the street. My business was going up in flames and they could not seem to get a handle on it. Finally after about three to four hours they got the fire under control. Little did we know that there was faulty wiring in the attic. "Fire tests the purity of silver and gold, but the Lord tests the heart." Proverbs 17:3 (NLT) "For everyone will be tested with fire." Mark 9:49 (NTL) People showed up to support me in my time of need, telling me how sorry they were…and that they would do anything they can to help. Whatever I needed they would be there and they were, at first. Everyone worked very hard to get my business running and get me back on my feet. Then the time came to rebuild and a few people came out to help in the beginning, but as the work became difficult, all of the ones that were so eager to help lost hope. Everyone started to say, "You can't rebuild." Then there was one person that said "Yes, you can rebuild and it will be better than before. It will take a little time and a lot of hard work but if you are willing, it can be done." "When you go through deep waters, I will be with you. When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown. When you walk through the fire of oppression, you will not be burned up; the flames will not consume you." Isaiah 43:2 (NLT) This is the same with marriage; everything seems just fine on the outside and then suddenly you are taken by surprise. To your devastation, your beloved has decided to take a walk in the wilderness. Again, everyone is there until you decided that you are standing for your marriage. They were all willing to help you move in a new direction. However, they are unwilling to help you rebuild. Everyone begins telling you, you're in denial, you need to move on, you need to date, and find someone else that is better. You find yourself alone...left to clean up the mess that the fire has left. Then there is One, Jesus Christ, who says, "I will rebuild and restore your marriage, if you will believe. It will be better than before! Have faith in Me; it will be a lot of hard work but if you are willing, I can do it." "But if you pray to God and seek favor of the Almighty and if you are pure and live with integrity he will surely rise up and restore your happy home." Job 8:5-6 (NLT) Christ restored that house back to even better than it was before. Even the color of paint was the Lord's choice, "Refuge Blue." God will take care of every little detail if you will trust Him! "God is our refuge and strength, always ready to help in times of trouble." Psalm 46:1 (NLT) "In his kindness God called you to share in his eternal glory by means of Christ Jesus. So after you have suffered a little while, He will restore, support and strengthen you, and He will place you on a firm foundation." I Peter 5:10 (NLT) That house is the exact same structure that it was before the fire, but the inside is completely new. You are the same vessel on the outside, but He wants you to be completely new on the inside. Christ can do that if you are willing, with a little hard work He will do it for you...if you let Him. God wants your marriages to be completely restored, but more than anything, He wants "you" to be completely restored. The good news is that through Jesus Christ you can overcome any obstacle. When you stand firm and walk boldly with Jesus "all" things are possible. Trust Him and have faith that your home and the homes of others will be restored! "Create in me clean heart, O God. Renew a right spirit within me. Do not banish me from your presence and don't take you Holy Spirit from me. Restore to me again the joy of your salvation, and make me willing to obey you. Then I will teach your ways to rebels, and they will return to you." Psalm 51:10-13 (NLT) "By standing firm, you will win your souls." Luke 21:19 (NLT)
Hello Hope,
Jeremiah 29:11 - 'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the LORD, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'
God bless you and your family
Rija
I read about Rebbeca and still feel the pangs of pain. Just know that Christ will take the reigns again because you have taken the step to move closer to Him. He saves not only us...but our HOUSES too! Rebbeca will know Him intimately once more. Isn't He such a marvellous Saviour? He is like no other, Hope....You only need to taste His love to know.
You know about tomorrow dear...we count on your prayers. Without them, the devil gets the upper hand.
Thanks for all your love and care and know we pray unceasingly for you.
you are mostly welcome god has a plan and purpose for me to be here in this site
here is more of my research
What the Bible says about marriage
o Marriage is a DIVINE INSTITUTION Contrary to some contemporary opinion, marriage is not a human institution that has evolved over the millennia to meet the needs of society. If it were no more than that, then conceivably it could be discarded when it is deemed no longer to be meeting those needs. Rather marriage was God's idea, and human history begins with the Lord Himself presiding over the first wedding. (Genesis 2:18-25)
o Marriage is to be regulated by DIVINE INSTRUCTIONS Since God made marriage, it stands to reason that it must be regulated by His commands. In marriage, both husband and wife stand beneath the authority of the Lord. Unless the Lord builds the house they labor in vain who build it (Psalm 127:1)
o Marriage is a DIVINE ILLUSTRATION In both Old and New Testaments, marriage is used as the supreme illustration of the love relationship that God established with His people.
Israel is spoken of as the wife of Jehovah (Isaiah 54:5; Jeremiah 3:8; Hosea 2:19-20).
The Church is called the bride of Christ (Ephesians 5:22-32).
It can be said that the Christian marriage is sort of a "pageant" in which the husband takes the part of the Lord Jesus, loving and leading his wife as Christ does the Church; and the wife plays the role of the believer, loving and submitting to her husband as the Christian does to the Lord.
Thus Christian marriage should be an object lesson in which others can see something of the divine-human relationship reflected.
o Marriage is a COVENANT
From the earliest chapters of the Bible the idea of covenant is the framework by which man's relationship to God is to be understood, and which also regulates the lives of God's people.
A covenant is an agreement between two parties, based upon mutual promises and solemnly binding obligations.
It is like a contract, with the additional idea that it establishes personal relationships.
God's covenant with Abraham and his descendants is summarized in the statement, I will be your God, and you shall be my people.
Marriage is called a covenant (Malachi 2:14), the most intimate of all human covenants.
The key ingredient in a covenant is faithfulness, being committed irreversibly to the fulfillment of the covenant obligations.
The most important factor in the marriage covenant is not romance; it is faithfulness to the covenant vows, even if the romance flickers.
o Marriage is a WHOLE-PERSON COMMITMENT
God meant marriage to be the total commitment of a man and woman to each other. It is not two solo performances, but a duet. In marriage, two people give themselves unreservedly to each other (Genesis 2:25; 1 Corinthians 7:3,4).
o What God has joined together let no man separate, declared our Lord (Matthew 19:6). Till death do us part, is not a carry-over from old-fashioned romanticism, but a sober reflection of God's intention regarding marriage (Romans 7:2,3; 1 Corinthians 7:39).
What the Bible teaches about divorce
o Divorce is abhorrent to God (Malachi 2:15,16)
o Divorce is always the result of sin
God's basic intention for marriage never included divorce; but when sin entered human experience, God's intention was distorted and marred.
Under perfect conditions there was no provision for divorce, but God allowed divorce to become a reality because of man's sinfulness (Deut. 24:1-4; Matt. 19:7,8).
To say that divorce is always the result of sin is not to say, however, that all divorce is itself a sin. It may be the only way to deal with the sinfulness of the other party, which has disrupted the marriage relationship.
o There are two conditions under which divorce is biblically permissible.
Since divorce is a sinful distortion of God's intention for marriage, it is an alternative of last recourse, to be avoided whenever possible. However, Scripture does teach that there are two circumstances in which divorce is permitted (though never required):
In the case of sexual unfaithfulness (Matthew19:9)
In the case of desertion of a believing partner by an unbelieving spouse (1 Corinthians 7:15,16)
o Divorce carries with it consequences and complications
Divorce, because it is a violation of God's plan, carries with it painful consequences and complications.
God has made perfect provisions for the complete forgiveness of all our sin through the death of Christ, even the sins of sexual infidelity and unjustified divorce (1 Peter 2:24; Colossians 2:13).
Forgiveness, however, does not remove the temporal consequences of our sins, or the pain and grief involved in the death of a relationship.
Divorced singles, single parent families, remarriage, and the problems of "blended" families are part of the consequences of God's intention being thwarted.
The church is to minister to individuals and families suffering these consequences, and to seek to help them respond with maturity to their problems.
o Reconciliation is to be preferred to divorce.
While divorce is permitted, it is never commanded. Forgiveness and reconciliation are always to be preferred (1 Corinthians 7:10,11).
What the Bible teaches about remarriage
o Remarriage is permitted, where the former spouse is deceased (Romans 7:2; 1 Corinthians 7:39).
o Where a divorce occurred prior to conversion, remarriage may be permitted.
If any man is in Christ, he is a new creation, old things have passed away, behold new things are come, (2 Corinthians 5:17).
When one becomes a Christian, all sin is forgiven; and all condemnation removed (Romans 8:1). Thus, pre-conversion conditions do not necessarily preclude remarriage to a Christian mate.
If the former marriage partner has also become a Christian, remarriage to that partner should be sought.
Where the former partner has not been converted, and attempts to share the gospel with him/her are rejected, however, remarriage to that person would be disobedient to Scripture (2 Corinthians 6:14).
Even though remarriage is allowable biblically, there may be consequences from past sins that continue, or destructive patterns from the old life that can carry into new relationships.
Thus a new marriage should be entered into with due thoughtfulness, and with the counsel of mature Christians.
o Where a divorce has occurred on Scriptural grounds, the offended party is free to remarry. A person who has been divorced because of infidelity of a marriage partner, or desertion by an unbelieving partner, is free to remarry (1 Corinthians 7:15).
o What about desertion by a "Christian" spouse?
1 Corinthians 7 deals specifically with the case of a nonbeliever who refuses to live with a believing spouse.
The question then arises as to the remarriage of a believer who was divorced by a partner who also professed to be a Christian. Such a situation ideally should involve the church in the steps of disciplinary action outlined in Matthew 18.
A Christian who decides to walk out of a marriage without biblical cause is in violation of Scripture. Such a person who refuses the counsel and admonition of the elders and persists in following the course of disobedience ultimately is to be dealt with as though he/she is an unbeliever (Matthew 18:17).
The deserted spouse would then be in a position of having been deserted by one whose sinful behavior and unresponsiveness to spiritual admonition gives evidence of an unregenerate heart, and thus falls under the provision of 1 Corinthians 7:15.
o Where a former spouse has remarried, remarriage is permitted for the other person. Regardless of the reasons for the divorce itself, if one of the partners has remarried, the union is permanently broken and reconciliation is impossible, and thus the remaining partner is free to remarry.
o Scripture does not absolutely forbid remarriage of a person who has caused a non-biblical divorce.
Where there has been conversion (in the case of a person who was not a Christian when the divorce occurred) or the demonstration of genuine and heartfelt repentance (in the case of one who was a Christian at the time of the divorce), remarriage may be permitted for the offending party if
the former spouse has remarried or
the former partner refuses reconciliation (1 Corinthians 7:15).
o Scripture recognizes the possibility of separation that does not lead to divorce.
Because of man's sinful nature, couples can, at times, be involved in a marital relationship that is destructive, either physically or emotionally, to the two marriage partners and/or their children.
It is possible that separation might become necessary because of the destructive nature of the relationship or the potential danger to one or more of the family members.
Such a situation does not provide grounds for dissolution of the marriage and the establishment of a new marriage.
Where no biblical ground for remarriage exists, a Christian is bound to seek reconciliation as long as there is a possibility of such reconciliation taking place (1 Corinthians 7:11).
Answers to some related questions
o Is there ever a totally innocent party in marital discord or divorce?
No one is ever free from sinful conduct or attitudes, so in this sense there is no "innocent party."
However, there are some sins that nullify the marriage covenant, and some which, though they may be serious, do not.
In any case of marital discord, both partners should be encouraged to try to understand how they personally contributed to the conflict.
o Will divorced persons be allowed to participate in service opportunities in the church?
Spiritual, psychological, and relational maturity are primary qualifications for service opportunities.
Divorce would be considered only one part of a much broader evaluation of a person's suitability for service. Divorce would not necessarily preclude serving.
A primary consideration must be the reputation the individual has in the Body of Christ and the community (1 Timothy 3:2,7; Titus 1:6).
o What if there has been no sexual unfaithfulness in a Christian marriage, but two Christians decide to dissolve their marriage because they are incompatible?
The Bible does not recognize incompatibility as grounds for divorce.
Reconciliation must be achieved, and every means possible should be considered, including individual and/or marriage counseling.
If Christ is on the throne of two human hearts, conflict will cease. He does not fight with Himself.
o A frequent reason given for seeking a divorce is that the original marriage was a mistake. The couple believes that they got married for the wrong reasons and are asking why they should perpetuate a mistake.
God's promise is that He is able to cause all things to work together for good, even our human mistakes (Romans 8:28).
The Bible does not recognize a "mistake" as grounds for divorce.
A deliberate, knowledgeable violation of God's revealed will for marriage is never an appropriate response to a mistake made earlier in life. "Two wrongs do not make a right."
o What if a couple is separated or divorced, and both desire to have sexual intimacy with each other?
Sexual intimacy is the privilege of a marriage relationship.
If the couple is already divorced, such intimacy would be classed as fornication.
If the couple is not actually divorced, then sexual intimacy might be appropriate (1 Corinthians 7:4-7).
However, serious consideration should be given by each partner as to their personal motivation in the relationship. One of the considerations a couple must have is their reputation with their children and friends.
this is also part of my research that i did hope you would feel blessed reading this
How Do You Resolve Conflicts in a Biblical Way?
Is your marriage struggling with multiple conflicts that seem to never get resolved? Are you sick and tired of arguing about the same things over and over again? Are you wondering if there is a way to ever solve these problems? If you are, then this publication is exactly what you are looking for.
There is a way to resolve conflicts with your spouse. If there is anyone who knows how to solve marital problems it's the One who created marriage. The One who created you has revealed this plan in His Word. How do you do it? What is needed to resolve the conflicts in your marriage?
First, you must be willing to resolve the conflicts. The willingness to actually do something about the conflicts between you and your mate is the most important place to start. In marriage counseling, this is the first question I usually ask a couple: "Are you willing to do whatever the Bible requires to resolve this conflict?" The answer to this question reveals very quickly whether anything will be accomplished in our time together. Before you read this article, you must determine the same thing. Are you willing to resolve the conflicts between you and your spouse? Are you willing to take the Biblical steps that God requires of you?
With two willing hearts there is no problem that can't be solved. God promises in His Word that all He is looking for is a willing heart to obey Him, and His blessings will flow out to you. He promised His people, "If you are willing and obedient, you shall eat of the good of the land"(Is. 1:19). Then He warned them, "But if you refuse and rebel, you shall be devoured by the sword; for the mouth of the Lord has spoken"(Is. 1:20). Notice the importance God has placed on this one attitude of the heart. Start here brothers and sisters. Ask God to give you a willing heart to resolve the conflicts. You may even have to start with asking God to give you a willingness to be made willing. He can do this too!
Second, you must be willing to ask God for help. Jesus said to His disciples, "Watch and pray, lest you enter into temptation. The spirit indeed is willing, but the flesh is weak" (Matt. 26:41). Even though Jesus knew that His disciples had a willingness to follow Him, He also knew the weakness of their flesh. This is why He encouraged them to pray. He knew that only the power of the Holy Spirit could rule over the weakness of the flesh.
Do you realize how weak and insufficient you are in your own strength to do what God requires? If you do, ask Him now to empower you with His Spirit to help you to lovingly seek reconciliation with your mate. Where you are weak, He will make you strong (2 Cor. 12:9,10)!
If you are not a Christian or you have not been walking with Him, He still loves you and wants to help you turn your marriage around. Yet, you must have a personal relationship with Him to enlist His aid. You can't ask for His benefits and resources and have nothing to do with Him. You wouldn't want mere acquaintances to come and ask you for money and help if they weren't your friends, and the same is true of God. If you want God's help you have to be more than His acquaintance; you need a love relationship with Him. Then, He will give you His life inside your soul to enable you to do what He commands.
This change of relationship with Jesus also entails willingness. Jesus said of many in His day, "But you are not willing to come to Me that you may have life" (John 5:40). Are you willing to come to Him, to turn from your life of independence to one of trusting Him? Are you willing to turn from your sin and rebellion to follow Him? He died to forgive you and longs to pardon you right now. Ask Him to come in and take over your heart and life. As you reconcile with Him, you will be able to reconcile with your spouse.
Third, you must be willing to please God. This is essential before you begin to try to take any practical action in the process of reconciliation. The desire to please God will instantly motivate you to action that you would never ordinarily take. When Paul the Apostle wrote to the Thessalonian church he urged them regarding how they "ought to walk and to please God" (1 Thess. 4:1). Notice, he associated their correct walk with the desire to please God.
This attitude is so important because the basic problem in every marriage is that desire to please self. Many conflicts are simply the result of selfishness, self-will, or self-righteousness. According to James, self is the root of every conflict and evil that occurs in any relationship, "Where envy and self-seeking exist, confusion and every evil thing will be there" (James 3:16). Therefore, to deal with your selfish desires you need a higher motivation, that of pleasing the Father.
When you choose to please God, you strike at the root of your problems. If you obey God's Word, you can't help but please Him in every way. With this attitude, a willing heart, and the power of the Holy Spirit, you are now ready to take these practical steps:
1. You must restrain your anger. This is a choice you must make with every conflict that occurs because explosive anger is the primary reason that nothing gets resolved. Many have said to me, "Steve, I just can't control my temper." Yet, this statement is in direct contradiction to what Scripture declares. When Paul was in prison for false charges made against him, he could have been very angry and depressed; but instead, he said, "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me" (Phil. 4:13). Controlling his emotions and his anger were undoubtedly some of the "all things" he refers to in this text. You can control your anger too, if you will ask God for His help. He has the strength you need to do what you find impossible. Solomon said, "It is honorable for a man to stop striving, since any fool can start a quarrel" (Prov. 20:3). Also, "He who is slow to anger is better than the mighty, and he who rules his spirit than he who takes a city" (Prov. 16:32). Restraining your anger is one way to stop a quarrel from ever starting in the first place. Likewise, once an argument has started, you still have the choice to stop it. You must rule your own spirit instead of letting your spirit rule you. This takes greater spiritual might and strength than it does to take a city in war.
But how can you restrain your anger? Where do you get this greater might to control your spirit? By a choice to ask God for help and by your personal surrender to the power of the Holy Spirit. You make the choice to please God by stopping the escalation of your anger. Take a five minute time out for prayer so you can calm down. Remember, it's not by your might or by your power, but by His Spirit (Zech. 4:6). Your anger is a powerful force, but His Spirit is even more powerful. Have you experienced His greater power? It's there for you.
2. You must listen instead of trying to only prove your point. This skill is only possible when your anger is under the control of the Holy Spirit.
When your mate tells you something he or she is upset about, do you interrupt? Do you try to answer your loved one's concerns before he or she has even finished talking? Are you really listening, or merely thinking about how to answer? These are all signs that you aren't listening. If you aren't a good listener, you won't be a very good communicator because you haven't really understood what your spouse has said. If you constantly hear your mate declare, "No, that's not what I mean," or, "You don't understand what I'm saying," you probably don't! If you don't understand what your spouse is saying, how can you resolve anything?
The Scripture commands you to be "swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath" (James 1:19). The more you listen, the slower you will speak. The slower you speak, the easier it will be to restrain your wrath and anger. Try it! The next argument you have, try listening and waiting until your spouse is completely finished, then respond. You'll be amazed at how your anger will be controlled.
3. You must confess your faults instead of blameshifting. When there is a conflict between you and your mate, first determine your part in the disagreement. Is it your attitude, your tone of voice, your actions, or your choice of words that started the conflict? You should confess these things sincerely before you ever discuss your mate's faults. Jesus said, "Why do you look at the speck in your brother's eye, but do not consider the plank in your own eye?...Hypocrite! First remove the plank from your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck out of your brothers eye" (Matt. 7:3,5).
Honesty is the fastest way to resolve any conflict. Why? Because when you first humbly acknowledge your faults, your spouse doesn't have to spend all that time trying to convince you what you've done wrong. Plus, it's hypocritical of you to blame your spouse for the whole problem when you can't even see your own faults. Notice the hypocrisy of Adam and Eve when they shifted the blame for their own sin. "The woman you gave to be with me, she gave me of the tree, and I ate." Eve also shifted the blame when she declared, "The serpent deceived me, and I ate" (Gen. 3:12,13). We can see blameshifting easily in others, why is it we can't see our own?
Ask God to search your heart, right now, that you may first see your own faults. Then, as James says, "Confess your trespasses to one another and pray one for another..." (James 5:16), and you will be amazed at how easily you can resolve your marital conflicts.
4. Take action quickly. Jesus said, "Agree with your adversary quickly..." (Matt. 5:25). There are many reasons why this is an essential aspect in conflict resolution.
First, as time passes the facts get distorted. It isn't long before you can't remember who did or said what. Then the argument may shift to fighting over distorted facts. This solves nothing. The best time to solve a conflict is today!
Also, the longer you wait to resolve a conflict, the harder your heart can get. This is why the author of Hebrews said with urgency, "Today if you will hear His voice, do not harden your hearts as in the rebellion..." (Heb. 3:7,8). Paul also knew this tendency of man's heart to harden over time and commanded, "Do not let the sun go down on your wrath..." (Eph. 4:26). In other words, don't let even one day pass when anger is in your heart. Don't go to bed that way! Resentment and anger in your heart will only harden you more and more, and ultimately will hinder you from solving even the simplest problems.
Don't be the person who allows weeks, months, or even years to go by without resolving conflicts. You will always be the loser.
5. Ask forgiveness for your sin. To forgive is not an option; it is a command. Jesus said, "Whenever you stand praying, if you have anything against anyone, forgive him, that your Father in heaven may also forgive you your trespasses. But if you do not forgive, neither will your Father in heaven forgive your trespasses" (Mark 11:25,26). This statement is all-inclusive; "anything against anyone" would include all that is happening with you and your spouse right now.
Forgiveness is a choice, not a feeling; a choice to please and obey God. You will never feel like forgiving anyone. The feeling of forgiveness only comes after you choose to forgive. No one deserves to be forgiven anymore than you do. Therefore, "be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God in Christ also forgave you" (Eph. 4:32).
Make the choice right now! Choose to show mercy and forgive. Then ask God to forgive you for holding resentment against your mate. This will enable you to find the solutions you are looking for in your marriage.
6. Tell your partner with the proper attitude and motive what action or attitude has offended you. After you have taken the above steps, you may now state your case if your spouse has not already confessed his or her own faults. This must be done with gentle words as opposed to harsh words. "A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger" (Prov. 15:1).
The last thing you want to do at this point is to stir up more anger. Come with soft words of reconciliation as you discuss how your mate has offended you. There are always two sides to a conflict. Both sides must be dealt with completely.
When Jesus taught His disciples about resolving conflicts, He gave them a goal. He said, "If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he hears you, you have gained your brother" (Matt. 18:15). The goal is to gain your brother, and this means you must come with that attitude and desire. If you come with yelling, finger-pointing, and accusations, merely venting your own frustrations, the results will be far from profitable, and you won't gain a right relationship with your spouse.
7. Find agreement through compromise. The goal on the vertical plane is to please God; the goal on the horizontal plane is to find an agreement. Remember the command of Jesus we looked at earlier to "agree with your adversary" (Matt. 5:25)? Agreement is found as you choose to give in and compromise in areas in which you have been stubbornly selfish. This will please God and demonstrate love toward your mate.
The Prophet Amos asked the question, "Can two walk together, unless they are agreed?" (Amos 3:3). Amos was reproving God's people for their disobedience and unwillingness to agree with God about their sin. The Apostle John believed the same. He said, "If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins..." (1 John 1:9) The word "confess" means to "agree with." When you confess your sins, you are agreeing with God, and this enables you to walk with Him. God will never force His will upon you. He waits for you to come into agreement with Him.
The same thing is true with your spouse. When you both confess your faults, you find immediate agreement together. This agreement is what enables you to find a lasting compromise where you have previously demanded your own way. Compromise is loving agreement to give, not demand. Forcing and imposing your will, is nothing but pride and selfishness on your part. This will reconcile nothing between you!
8. Take action even if your spouse will not. This is what God did with you. He demonstrated "His own love toward us, in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us"(Rom. 5:8) Christ took the action of love even when we were still in rebellion against Him. If we are to love others as He has loved us, then we must do the same (John 13:34).
When you take action to love and change what you're doing wrong, this brings powerful encouragement to provoke your spouse to love you and to change too (Heb. 10:24). Jesus said, "Whatever you want men to do to you, do also to them..." (Matt. 7:12). Apply this principle to your marriage. How do you want your spouse to act toward you? Take this action toward him or her. Take this action today!
9. What should you do if your spouse doesn't respond? Be patient, pray, and don't give up! Some people take longer to respond than others. This, again, is the posture that God has taken toward you. He is "longsuffering toward us, not willing that any should perish but that all should come to repentance" (2 Peter 3:9). So also, "you have need of endurance, so that after you have done the will of God, you may receive the promise" (Heb. 10:36).
You must be patient because most heated arguments are not resolved by just one conversation. If you wait and pray and there is still no response after a short time, go again and ask your mate to consider the issues you have previously discussed. Continue to pray that God would cause your loved one to yield to the truth and take action. If your partner brings other issues to you in which you have been offending, follow the above steps again.
Remember God's love continually seeks reconciliation with man. His love in you will do the same! Seek reconciliation!
If you need further help in resolving any of these issues, don't wait; see your pastor as soon as possible.
Hi Hope, I know what happened. I was looking for you under the name 'Hope' rather than 'Hope's'. I can be so blond sometimes! lol. It's a good thing that God loves me even though I can be such an airhead....
thank you so much for your words of encouragement,the enemy is out there to destroy us and the closer we get to god he knows that he is getting defeated, he knows that he can't get to you so he uses either your friend or your spouse or any one of your family members to get to you.
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thank you for your words of encouragements,i went to visit my wife today and she has got this attitude towards me almost every weekend and when it suits her to talk to me nicely she does and when ever she needs some things to be done for her the first person she phones is me eg like going to the library,she talks to me nicely,i feel like i am wanted but not needed and whenever she is around her mother she gets this arrogant way of talking to me,she just starts shouting at me for no apparent reason. well i pray and hope that you have had a very blessed day filled with the love of god.please pray for me as my court case is on wednesday
god bless
please pray for me as im feeling down today of what i had heard from my wifes cousin,he went to visit her on monday and he asked her aout reconciling ,she turns around and tell him that she wants a divorce and she is not coming back to me,when i heard that i felt like a truck that just hit me and felt all alone no one to defend me at that moment,well it is the work of the enemy he has got her captive,i tried to tell her and show her that i have changed but i geuss she is just to blind to see it at this very moment please pray for my wife,my daughter and my self for complete restoration and healing in our life and in my marriage,thank you
god bless
thank you for your support and words of encouragement thought i should share this email with you
Which Way Are We Going? -
"Why do some prodigals visit their families and seem
to have a good time, but do not come home to stay?"
Men and women who are standing with God for marriage restoration
must have a lot of faith. Along with that, they have high hopes
of a prodigal spouse soon coming home. What has happened when the
process seems to be starting, and then suddenly the prodigal
makes an 180 degree turn, once again, away from their home and
praying spouse? What happens to the stander's high hopes?
Charlyne and I pray that by now you understand that the path back
home that a prodigal spouse travels is not always a straight one.
Like a road to the top of a mountain, (and your prodigal coming
home will be a mountaintop for you), the road is not straight.
If we were to leave our home and travel north on I-95, we would
reach a point in Martin County where the compass would indicate
we are going south. Are we going north or south? Should we give
up on our northbound trip, because the compass says we are going
the opposite way? I-95 actually goes so far west in Martin County
that at one point, due to a curve, northbound cars are heading
south.
My wife and I can understand your high hopes of restoration, and
that is great, providing these hopes are based on the promises of
God. When the road home takes an unexpected turn, you need to
pray just as strongly, never doubting for a moment that God is at
work.
The foremost question on the heart of any prodigal who ever gives
thought to returning home is a simple one; "What's different
now?" It does not matter if you are separated because of
adultery, abuse, alcoholism, or any of the rest of the alphabet
of causes, your spouse wants to know what has changed so that
this nightmare will not repeat itself.
Most standers make the mistake of volunteering what is different,
reciting to their prodigal about a closer walk with the Lord, and
how much He has changed them. Your absent spouse does not want to
hear your words; he or she wants to observe the changes.
"Me change?" someone is thinking. "My spouse was the one who
committed adultery, not me. Let them change!" You need to stop
playing the blame game. Satan is the one at fault for your
situation. He attacked your family by using a pre-existing
spiritual weakness in one or both parties. Gradually, the enemy
took over that person, until they were his captive, as described
in 2 Timothy. Let's follow a typical family from the thousands we
have on our mailing list and attempt to discover why the spouse
has not come home.
It could be a husband or wife, but let's say that Jack becomes
too friendly with Susie at work. That is the point of the enemy's
attack. They progressed from being co-workers to having lunch
together most days. As they got to know each other, things
reached the, "I'll tell you my problems and you can tell me
yours." One of Jack's "problems," be it true or not, was related
as a poor or non- existent sex life at home. While Jack still
went home to Jill each evening, it was Susie, not Jill, who
occupied his thoughts.
At some point, and in some way, Jack and Susie crossed the
physical line. From that moment on, the enemy who had attacked
Jack back in the pre-lunch days now has full control of the man.
He is hearing in his spirit, "You are not good enough for Jill.
She doesn't meet your needs, but Susie sure does!" "You deserve
some happiness, not just a wife and kids." He is hearing from
Susie, in a hundred ways, "We have a future. Leave your wife for
me." The other person may even be giving your guilt-filled spouse
ultimatums that they must make a choice. Can you imagine? The
choice was made when you married. Satan has now taken full
control.
Confused Jack moves out of the family's home, leaving behind a
shocked Jill. She knew something had changed in him, but assumed
it was job pressure or mid-life crisis, or sadly, she blames
herself. You may be to blame for not praying for your family, but
certainly not for the break-up. That credit goes to the enemy,
who is out to destroy every family, thus destroying every church,
thus destroying society itself.
The months or years following are a blur of lawyers, protection
orders, battles over the unimportant, court dates, many tears,
and all the rest that most standers know too well. Jack, silently
bearing the guilt for all of this, tells himself, "Jill hates me.
She probably hated me the entire time. It is best we are
divorcing." At the same time, Susie is pushing marriage. Jack
half-heartedly agrees, knowing if he does not, that he will lose
Susie. By some means, the news is mysteriously leaked so that
Jill will hear there is a wedding being planned, adding to her
devastation.
Meanwhile, God, in His love for Jack and Jill and their family,
used some means to introduce Jill to standing with Him and
praying for the restoration of Jack back to his Heavenly Father,
and to his family. Jill turns not to people, but to her Lord God
for her support, her direction, and her decisions. During her
stand, she becomes less of the abandoned and angry woman she had
been, and more like Jesus every day. Her Bible replaces her
newspaper as her source of information. Jill's taste in music has
changed to Christian music. Prayer takes more time than the
computer. She is teachable. She has a burden for Jack's soul, now
destined for Hell, unless he changes.
Jack's sinful relationship is not going well. Susie is not the
happy person he used to dream about all the time. She is
demanding and controlling. (Do you know why? She knows that her
days with Jack are numbered and she is hanging on in any way she
can.)
Jack sees Jill every other weekend when he picks up the children,
or when he picks up his mail. Gone is the angry, spiteful woman
who sat at the opposite table in court. She has a peace that Jack
wishes he could find. She is kind to Jack, and always agreeable.
The day comes when Jack stands on his own porch, ringing his own
door bell, and is excited to see Jill, if only for a couple of
minutes. It is almost like when they were first falling in love.
He feels good when Jill calls out, "I'm praying for you," as he
walks away.
This marriage is at a crossroad. If Jill continues to stand,
there will come a day when Jack starts to confide in his wife. He
will walk inside his home and have his heart almost burst with
good memories. He will wish that he could rewind the clock and
never have met Susie. Jill will become more serious about
standing. She may fast often, and not waste time online. She
recognizes she is approaching the biggest battle of this
spiritual war for her husband's soul and for her marriage.
What if Jill takes the other road? She feels God has had enough
time and nothing seems to be happening. (But she can't see inside
Jack's heart!) What if she gives up standing and gets on with her
life, like everyone tells her to do? Some day another man will be
opening Jack's front door when he rings. Both Jack and Jill will
revert to angry people, at war not against Satan, but with one
another. Jack and Jill will probably both go on to second, and
possible third marriages. Left behind will be a string of
brokenhearted children.
If Jill continues to stand and to grow in the Lord, God will
change her, before he changes Jack. Then Jill and their home will
become a spiritual magnet for Jack. He will find the peace there
that he is seeking. Jill, still wearing her wedding rings, may
become like the other woman, as Jack shaves the truth to Susie in
order for him to see his covenant wife. Experts, of which I am
not, have said that prodigal spouses may live with one foot in
each of two worlds, as they test the water.
The prodigal comes home for the birthday parties, and then
suddenly leaves, even disappearing for a time, with no contact. I
like to compare this to the pendulum on a clock. Pull the
pendulum all the way back toward home, and when released, it will
go farther to the other side, but always returns.
What's a stander to do? Jill is not even married to Jack, yet he
drops in at home as if nothing ever happened. She should be
rejoicing, because Jack is on the way home. Jack has a tremendous
battle going on inside, between right and wrong. He is guilt-
filled and plays the "What if..." game over leaving Susie. Satan
is losing the war for this family and will pull out his major
weapons at this point.
All the time, Jack is going to be asking himself, "What's
different now?" Charlyne and I pray that all the "Jacks" will
readily see that things are different because you have now based
your life on the Lord Jesus Christ. You are living His way, and
silently inviting the one you love to come home to a totally
different spouse.
We acknowledge that not every situation will match this composite
of fictional Jack and Jill presented here. Charlyne and I pray
that you will find something herein that will help you understand
the dilemma of prodigal spouses who visit, but can't move home
(yet!)
"The Spirit of the Lord will come upon you in power, and you will
prophesy with them; and you will be changed into a different
person." I Samuel 10:6
God bless,
hope and pray that you have had a very blessed day,this email really lifted me up today cos i phoned my wife and she was just very arrogant towards me on the phone,i just thought to my self and said that im not going to give in to satan tricks by getting angry, i just remained very calm,and i am glad that i did that for it made me a better person
Getting Burned -
"But on the judgment day, fire will reveal what kind of work each builder has done. The fire will show if a person's work has any value. If the work survives, that builder will receive a reward. But if the work is burned up, the builder will suffer great loss." I Corinthians 3:13-15a (NLT) My business is in a 1900 Victorian home that is beautiful! Everything seemed normal until one day as we were working someone came in screaming that the house was on fire. Within a few minutes three fire engines came roaring down the street. My business was going up in flames and they could not seem to get a handle on it. Finally after about three to four hours they got the fire under control. Little did we know that there was faulty wiring in the attic. "Fire tests the purity of silver and gold, but the Lord tests the heart." Proverbs 17:3 (NLT) "For everyone will be tested with fire." Mark 9:49 (NTL) People showed up to support me in my time of need, telling me how sorry they were…and that they would do anything they can to help. Whatever I needed they would be there and they were, at first. Everyone worked very hard to get my business running and get me back on my feet. Then the time came to rebuild and a few people came out to help in the beginning, but as the work became difficult, all of the ones that were so eager to help lost hope. Everyone started to say, "You can't rebuild." Then there was one person that said "Yes, you can rebuild and it will be better than before. It will take a little time and a lot of hard work but if you are willing, it can be done." "When you go through deep waters, I will be with you. When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown. When you walk through the fire of oppression, you will not be burned up; the flames will not consume you." Isaiah 43:2 (NLT) This is the same with marriage; everything seems just fine on the outside and then suddenly you are taken by surprise. To your devastation, your beloved has decided to take a walk in the wilderness. Again, everyone is there until you decided that you are standing for your marriage. They were all willing to help you move in a new direction. However, they are unwilling to help you rebuild. Everyone begins telling you, you're in denial, you need to move on, you need to date, and find someone else that is better. You find yourself alone...left to clean up the mess that the fire has left. Then there is One, Jesus Christ, who says, "I will rebuild and restore your marriage, if you will believe. It will be better than before! Have faith in Me; it will be a lot of hard work but if you are willing, I can do it." "But if you pray to God and seek favor of the Almighty and if you are pure and live with integrity he will surely rise up and restore your happy home." Job 8:5-6 (NLT) Christ restored that house back to even better than it was before. Even the color of paint was the Lord's choice, "Refuge Blue." God will take care of every little detail if you will trust Him! "God is our refuge and strength, always ready to help in times of trouble." Psalm 46:1 (NLT) "In his kindness God called you to share in his eternal glory by means of Christ Jesus. So after you have suffered a little while, He will restore, support and strengthen you, and He will place you on a firm foundation." I Peter 5:10 (NLT) That house is the exact same structure that it was before the fire, but the inside is completely new. You are the same vessel on the outside, but He wants you to be completely new on the inside. Christ can do that if you are willing, with a little hard work He will do it for you...if you let Him. God wants your marriages to be completely restored, but more than anything, He wants "you" to be completely restored. The good news is that through Jesus Christ you can overcome any obstacle. When you stand firm and walk boldly with Jesus "all" things are possible. Trust Him and have faith that your home and the homes of others will be restored! "Create in me clean heart, O God. Renew a right spirit within me. Do not banish me from your presence and don't take you Holy Spirit from me. Restore to me again the joy of your salvation, and make me willing to obey you. Then I will teach your ways to rebels, and they will return to you." Psalm 51:10-13 (NLT) "By standing firm, you will win your souls." Luke 21:19 (NLT)
God bless,
Jeremiah 29:11 - 'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the LORD, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'
God bless you and your family
Rija
I read about Rebbeca and still feel the pangs of pain. Just know that Christ will take the reigns again because you have taken the step to move closer to Him. He saves not only us...but our HOUSES too! Rebbeca will know Him intimately once more. Isn't He such a marvellous Saviour? He is like no other, Hope....You only need to taste His love to know.
You know about tomorrow dear...we count on your prayers. Without them, the devil gets the upper hand.
Thanks for all your love and care and know we pray unceasingly for you.
In Christ's love-Pst. Bernhard C.
you are mostly welcome god has a plan and purpose for me to be here in this site
here is more of my research
What the Bible says about marriage
o Marriage is a DIVINE INSTITUTION Contrary to some contemporary opinion, marriage is not a human institution that has evolved over the millennia to meet the needs of society. If it were no more than that, then conceivably it could be discarded when it is deemed no longer to be meeting those needs. Rather marriage was God's idea, and human history begins with the Lord Himself presiding over the first wedding. (Genesis 2:18-25)
o Marriage is to be regulated by DIVINE INSTRUCTIONS Since God made marriage, it stands to reason that it must be regulated by His commands. In marriage, both husband and wife stand beneath the authority of the Lord. Unless the Lord builds the house they labor in vain who build it (Psalm 127:1)
o Marriage is a DIVINE ILLUSTRATION In both Old and New Testaments, marriage is used as the supreme illustration of the love relationship that God established with His people.
Israel is spoken of as the wife of Jehovah (Isaiah 54:5; Jeremiah 3:8; Hosea 2:19-20).
The Church is called the bride of Christ (Ephesians 5:22-32).
It can be said that the Christian marriage is sort of a "pageant" in which the husband takes the part of the Lord Jesus, loving and leading his wife as Christ does the Church; and the wife plays the role of the believer, loving and submitting to her husband as the Christian does to the Lord.
Thus Christian marriage should be an object lesson in which others can see something of the divine-human relationship reflected.
o Marriage is a COVENANT
From the earliest chapters of the Bible the idea of covenant is the framework by which man's relationship to God is to be understood, and which also regulates the lives of God's people.
A covenant is an agreement between two parties, based upon mutual promises and solemnly binding obligations.
It is like a contract, with the additional idea that it establishes personal relationships.
God's covenant with Abraham and his descendants is summarized in the statement, I will be your God, and you shall be my people.
Marriage is called a covenant (Malachi 2:14), the most intimate of all human covenants.
The key ingredient in a covenant is faithfulness, being committed irreversibly to the fulfillment of the covenant obligations.
The most important factor in the marriage covenant is not romance; it is faithfulness to the covenant vows, even if the romance flickers.
o Marriage is a WHOLE-PERSON COMMITMENT
God meant marriage to be the total commitment of a man and woman to each other. It is not two solo performances, but a duet. In marriage, two people give themselves unreservedly to each other (Genesis 2:25; 1 Corinthians 7:3,4).
o What God has joined together let no man separate, declared our Lord (Matthew 19:6). Till death do us part, is not a carry-over from old-fashioned romanticism, but a sober reflection of God's intention regarding marriage (Romans 7:2,3; 1 Corinthians 7:39).
What the Bible teaches about divorce
o Divorce is abhorrent to God (Malachi 2:15,16)
o Divorce is always the result of sin
God's basic intention for marriage never included divorce; but when sin entered human experience, God's intention was distorted and marred.
Under perfect conditions there was no provision for divorce, but God allowed divorce to become a reality because of man's sinfulness (Deut. 24:1-4; Matt. 19:7,8).
To say that divorce is always the result of sin is not to say, however, that all divorce is itself a sin. It may be the only way to deal with the sinfulness of the other party, which has disrupted the marriage relationship.
o There are two conditions under which divorce is biblically permissible.
Since divorce is a sinful distortion of God's intention for marriage, it is an alternative of last recourse, to be avoided whenever possible. However, Scripture does teach that there are two circumstances in which divorce is permitted (though never required):
In the case of sexual unfaithfulness (Matthew19:9)
In the case of desertion of a believing partner by an unbelieving spouse (1 Corinthians 7:15,16)
o Divorce carries with it consequences and complications
Divorce, because it is a violation of God's plan, carries with it painful consequences and complications.
God has made perfect provisions for the complete forgiveness of all our sin through the death of Christ, even the sins of sexual infidelity and unjustified divorce (1 Peter 2:24; Colossians 2:13).
Forgiveness, however, does not remove the temporal consequences of our sins, or the pain and grief involved in the death of a relationship.
Divorced singles, single parent families, remarriage, and the problems of "blended" families are part of the consequences of God's intention being thwarted.
The church is to minister to individuals and families suffering these consequences, and to seek to help them respond with maturity to their problems.
o Reconciliation is to be preferred to divorce.
While divorce is permitted, it is never commanded. Forgiveness and reconciliation are always to be preferred (1 Corinthians 7:10,11).
What the Bible teaches about remarriage
o Remarriage is permitted, where the former spouse is deceased (Romans 7:2; 1 Corinthians 7:39).
o Where a divorce occurred prior to conversion, remarriage may be permitted.
If any man is in Christ, he is a new creation, old things have passed away, behold new things are come, (2 Corinthians 5:17).
When one becomes a Christian, all sin is forgiven; and all condemnation removed (Romans 8:1). Thus, pre-conversion conditions do not necessarily preclude remarriage to a Christian mate.
If the former marriage partner has also become a Christian, remarriage to that partner should be sought.
Where the former partner has not been converted, and attempts to share the gospel with him/her are rejected, however, remarriage to that person would be disobedient to Scripture (2 Corinthians 6:14).
Even though remarriage is allowable biblically, there may be consequences from past sins that continue, or destructive patterns from the old life that can carry into new relationships.
Thus a new marriage should be entered into with due thoughtfulness, and with the counsel of mature Christians.
o Where a divorce has occurred on Scriptural grounds, the offended party is free to remarry. A person who has been divorced because of infidelity of a marriage partner, or desertion by an unbelieving partner, is free to remarry (1 Corinthians 7:15).
o What about desertion by a "Christian" spouse?
1 Corinthians 7 deals specifically with the case of a nonbeliever who refuses to live with a believing spouse.
The question then arises as to the remarriage of a believer who was divorced by a partner who also professed to be a Christian. Such a situation ideally should involve the church in the steps of disciplinary action outlined in Matthew 18.
A Christian who decides to walk out of a marriage without biblical cause is in violation of Scripture. Such a person who refuses the counsel and admonition of the elders and persists in following the course of disobedience ultimately is to be dealt with as though he/she is an unbeliever (Matthew 18:17).
The deserted spouse would then be in a position of having been deserted by one whose sinful behavior and unresponsiveness to spiritual admonition gives evidence of an unregenerate heart, and thus falls under the provision of 1 Corinthians 7:15.
o Where a former spouse has remarried, remarriage is permitted for the other person. Regardless of the reasons for the divorce itself, if one of the partners has remarried, the union is permanently broken and reconciliation is impossible, and thus the remaining partner is free to remarry.
o Scripture does not absolutely forbid remarriage of a person who has caused a non-biblical divorce.
Where there has been conversion (in the case of a person who was not a Christian when the divorce occurred) or the demonstration of genuine and heartfelt repentance (in the case of one who was a Christian at the time of the divorce), remarriage may be permitted for the offending party if
the former spouse has remarried or
the former partner refuses reconciliation (1 Corinthians 7:15).
o Scripture recognizes the possibility of separation that does not lead to divorce.
Because of man's sinful nature, couples can, at times, be involved in a marital relationship that is destructive, either physically or emotionally, to the two marriage partners and/or their children.
It is possible that separation might become necessary because of the destructive nature of the relationship or the potential danger to one or more of the family members.
Such a situation does not provide grounds for dissolution of the marriage and the establishment of a new marriage.
Where no biblical ground for remarriage exists, a Christian is bound to seek reconciliation as long as there is a possibility of such reconciliation taking place (1 Corinthians 7:11).
Answers to some related questions
o Is there ever a totally innocent party in marital discord or divorce?
No one is ever free from sinful conduct or attitudes, so in this sense there is no "innocent party."
However, there are some sins that nullify the marriage covenant, and some which, though they may be serious, do not.
In any case of marital discord, both partners should be encouraged to try to understand how they personally contributed to the conflict.
o Will divorced persons be allowed to participate in service opportunities in the church?
Spiritual, psychological, and relational maturity are primary qualifications for service opportunities.
Divorce would be considered only one part of a much broader evaluation of a person's suitability for service. Divorce would not necessarily preclude serving.
A primary consideration must be the reputation the individual has in the Body of Christ and the community (1 Timothy 3:2,7; Titus 1:6).
o What if there has been no sexual unfaithfulness in a Christian marriage, but two Christians decide to dissolve their marriage because they are incompatible?
The Bible does not recognize incompatibility as grounds for divorce.
Reconciliation must be achieved, and every means possible should be considered, including individual and/or marriage counseling.
If Christ is on the throne of two human hearts, conflict will cease. He does not fight with Himself.
o A frequent reason given for seeking a divorce is that the original marriage was a mistake. The couple believes that they got married for the wrong reasons and are asking why they should perpetuate a mistake.
God's promise is that He is able to cause all things to work together for good, even our human mistakes (Romans 8:28).
The Bible does not recognize a "mistake" as grounds for divorce.
A deliberate, knowledgeable violation of God's revealed will for marriage is never an appropriate response to a mistake made earlier in life. "Two wrongs do not make a right."
o What if a couple is separated or divorced, and both desire to have sexual intimacy with each other?
Sexual intimacy is the privilege of a marriage relationship.
If the couple is already divorced, such intimacy would be classed as fornication.
If the couple is not actually divorced, then sexual intimacy might be appropriate (1 Corinthians 7:4-7).
However, serious consideration should be given by each partner as to their personal motivation in the relationship. One of the considerations a couple must have is their reputation with their children and friends.
god bless
May God bless you always...even as you bring hope to others.
Can't imagine the week-end that keeps brethren away from each other for this is our cherished church.
Have a lovely day.
In Christ-Pst. Bernhard C.
Christian Myspace Comments @ DazzleJunction.com
this is also part of my research that i did hope you would feel blessed reading this
How Do You Resolve Conflicts in a Biblical Way?
Is your marriage struggling with multiple conflicts that seem to never get resolved? Are you sick and tired of arguing about the same things over and over again? Are you wondering if there is a way to ever solve these problems? If you are, then this publication is exactly what you are looking for.
There is a way to resolve conflicts with your spouse. If there is anyone who knows how to solve marital problems it's the One who created marriage. The One who created you has revealed this plan in His Word. How do you do it? What is needed to resolve the conflicts in your marriage?
First, you must be willing to resolve the conflicts. The willingness to actually do something about the conflicts between you and your mate is the most important place to start. In marriage counseling, this is the first question I usually ask a couple: "Are you willing to do whatever the Bible requires to resolve this conflict?" The answer to this question reveals very quickly whether anything will be accomplished in our time together. Before you read this article, you must determine the same thing. Are you willing to resolve the conflicts between you and your spouse? Are you willing to take the Biblical steps that God requires of you?
With two willing hearts there is no problem that can't be solved. God promises in His Word that all He is looking for is a willing heart to obey Him, and His blessings will flow out to you. He promised His people, "If you are willing and obedient, you shall eat of the good of the land"(Is. 1:19). Then He warned them, "But if you refuse and rebel, you shall be devoured by the sword; for the mouth of the Lord has spoken"(Is. 1:20). Notice the importance God has placed on this one attitude of the heart. Start here brothers and sisters. Ask God to give you a willing heart to resolve the conflicts. You may even have to start with asking God to give you a willingness to be made willing. He can do this too!
Second, you must be willing to ask God for help. Jesus said to His disciples, "Watch and pray, lest you enter into temptation. The spirit indeed is willing, but the flesh is weak" (Matt. 26:41). Even though Jesus knew that His disciples had a willingness to follow Him, He also knew the weakness of their flesh. This is why He encouraged them to pray. He knew that only the power of the Holy Spirit could rule over the weakness of the flesh.
Do you realize how weak and insufficient you are in your own strength to do what God requires? If you do, ask Him now to empower you with His Spirit to help you to lovingly seek reconciliation with your mate. Where you are weak, He will make you strong (2 Cor. 12:9,10)!
If you are not a Christian or you have not been walking with Him, He still loves you and wants to help you turn your marriage around. Yet, you must have a personal relationship with Him to enlist His aid. You can't ask for His benefits and resources and have nothing to do with Him. You wouldn't want mere acquaintances to come and ask you for money and help if they weren't your friends, and the same is true of God. If you want God's help you have to be more than His acquaintance; you need a love relationship with Him. Then, He will give you His life inside your soul to enable you to do what He commands.
This change of relationship with Jesus also entails willingness. Jesus said of many in His day, "But you are not willing to come to Me that you may have life" (John 5:40). Are you willing to come to Him, to turn from your life of independence to one of trusting Him? Are you willing to turn from your sin and rebellion to follow Him? He died to forgive you and longs to pardon you right now. Ask Him to come in and take over your heart and life. As you reconcile with Him, you will be able to reconcile with your spouse.
Third, you must be willing to please God. This is essential before you begin to try to take any practical action in the process of reconciliation. The desire to please God will instantly motivate you to action that you would never ordinarily take. When Paul the Apostle wrote to the Thessalonian church he urged them regarding how they "ought to walk and to please God" (1 Thess. 4:1). Notice, he associated their correct walk with the desire to please God.
This attitude is so important because the basic problem in every marriage is that desire to please self. Many conflicts are simply the result of selfishness, self-will, or self-righteousness. According to James, self is the root of every conflict and evil that occurs in any relationship, "Where envy and self-seeking exist, confusion and every evil thing will be there" (James 3:16). Therefore, to deal with your selfish desires you need a higher motivation, that of pleasing the Father.
When you choose to please God, you strike at the root of your problems. If you obey God's Word, you can't help but please Him in every way. With this attitude, a willing heart, and the power of the Holy Spirit, you are now ready to take these practical steps:
1. You must restrain your anger. This is a choice you must make with every conflict that occurs because explosive anger is the primary reason that nothing gets resolved. Many have said to me, "Steve, I just can't control my temper." Yet, this statement is in direct contradiction to what Scripture declares. When Paul was in prison for false charges made against him, he could have been very angry and depressed; but instead, he said, "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me" (Phil. 4:13). Controlling his emotions and his anger were undoubtedly some of the "all things" he refers to in this text. You can control your anger too, if you will ask God for His help. He has the strength you need to do what you find impossible. Solomon said, "It is honorable for a man to stop striving, since any fool can start a quarrel" (Prov. 20:3). Also, "He who is slow to anger is better than the mighty, and he who rules his spirit than he who takes a city" (Prov. 16:32). Restraining your anger is one way to stop a quarrel from ever starting in the first place. Likewise, once an argument has started, you still have the choice to stop it. You must rule your own spirit instead of letting your spirit rule you. This takes greater spiritual might and strength than it does to take a city in war.
But how can you restrain your anger? Where do you get this greater might to control your spirit? By a choice to ask God for help and by your personal surrender to the power of the Holy Spirit. You make the choice to please God by stopping the escalation of your anger. Take a five minute time out for prayer so you can calm down. Remember, it's not by your might or by your power, but by His Spirit (Zech. 4:6). Your anger is a powerful force, but His Spirit is even more powerful. Have you experienced His greater power? It's there for you.
2. You must listen instead of trying to only prove your point. This skill is only possible when your anger is under the control of the Holy Spirit.
When your mate tells you something he or she is upset about, do you interrupt? Do you try to answer your loved one's concerns before he or she has even finished talking? Are you really listening, or merely thinking about how to answer? These are all signs that you aren't listening. If you aren't a good listener, you won't be a very good communicator because you haven't really understood what your spouse has said. If you constantly hear your mate declare, "No, that's not what I mean," or, "You don't understand what I'm saying," you probably don't! If you don't understand what your spouse is saying, how can you resolve anything?
The Scripture commands you to be "swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath" (James 1:19). The more you listen, the slower you will speak. The slower you speak, the easier it will be to restrain your wrath and anger. Try it! The next argument you have, try listening and waiting until your spouse is completely finished, then respond. You'll be amazed at how your anger will be controlled.
3. You must confess your faults instead of blameshifting. When there is a conflict between you and your mate, first determine your part in the disagreement. Is it your attitude, your tone of voice, your actions, or your choice of words that started the conflict? You should confess these things sincerely before you ever discuss your mate's faults. Jesus said, "Why do you look at the speck in your brother's eye, but do not consider the plank in your own eye?...Hypocrite! First remove the plank from your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck out of your brothers eye" (Matt. 7:3,5).
Honesty is the fastest way to resolve any conflict. Why? Because when you first humbly acknowledge your faults, your spouse doesn't have to spend all that time trying to convince you what you've done wrong. Plus, it's hypocritical of you to blame your spouse for the whole problem when you can't even see your own faults. Notice the hypocrisy of Adam and Eve when they shifted the blame for their own sin. "The woman you gave to be with me, she gave me of the tree, and I ate." Eve also shifted the blame when she declared, "The serpent deceived me, and I ate" (Gen. 3:12,13). We can see blameshifting easily in others, why is it we can't see our own?
Ask God to search your heart, right now, that you may first see your own faults. Then, as James says, "Confess your trespasses to one another and pray one for another..." (James 5:16), and you will be amazed at how easily you can resolve your marital conflicts.
4. Take action quickly. Jesus said, "Agree with your adversary quickly..." (Matt. 5:25). There are many reasons why this is an essential aspect in conflict resolution.
First, as time passes the facts get distorted. It isn't long before you can't remember who did or said what. Then the argument may shift to fighting over distorted facts. This solves nothing. The best time to solve a conflict is today!
Also, the longer you wait to resolve a conflict, the harder your heart can get. This is why the author of Hebrews said with urgency, "Today if you will hear His voice, do not harden your hearts as in the rebellion..." (Heb. 3:7,8). Paul also knew this tendency of man's heart to harden over time and commanded, "Do not let the sun go down on your wrath..." (Eph. 4:26). In other words, don't let even one day pass when anger is in your heart. Don't go to bed that way! Resentment and anger in your heart will only harden you more and more, and ultimately will hinder you from solving even the simplest problems.
Don't be the person who allows weeks, months, or even years to go by without resolving conflicts. You will always be the loser.
5. Ask forgiveness for your sin. To forgive is not an option; it is a command. Jesus said, "Whenever you stand praying, if you have anything against anyone, forgive him, that your Father in heaven may also forgive you your trespasses. But if you do not forgive, neither will your Father in heaven forgive your trespasses" (Mark 11:25,26). This statement is all-inclusive; "anything against anyone" would include all that is happening with you and your spouse right now.
Forgiveness is a choice, not a feeling; a choice to please and obey God. You will never feel like forgiving anyone. The feeling of forgiveness only comes after you choose to forgive. No one deserves to be forgiven anymore than you do. Therefore, "be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God in Christ also forgave you" (Eph. 4:32).
Make the choice right now! Choose to show mercy and forgive. Then ask God to forgive you for holding resentment against your mate. This will enable you to find the solutions you are looking for in your marriage.
6. Tell your partner with the proper attitude and motive what action or attitude has offended you. After you have taken the above steps, you may now state your case if your spouse has not already confessed his or her own faults. This must be done with gentle words as opposed to harsh words. "A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger" (Prov. 15:1).
The last thing you want to do at this point is to stir up more anger. Come with soft words of reconciliation as you discuss how your mate has offended you. There are always two sides to a conflict. Both sides must be dealt with completely.
When Jesus taught His disciples about resolving conflicts, He gave them a goal. He said, "If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he hears you, you have gained your brother" (Matt. 18:15). The goal is to gain your brother, and this means you must come with that attitude and desire. If you come with yelling, finger-pointing, and accusations, merely venting your own frustrations, the results will be far from profitable, and you won't gain a right relationship with your spouse.
7. Find agreement through compromise. The goal on the vertical plane is to please God; the goal on the horizontal plane is to find an agreement. Remember the command of Jesus we looked at earlier to "agree with your adversary" (Matt. 5:25)? Agreement is found as you choose to give in and compromise in areas in which you have been stubbornly selfish. This will please God and demonstrate love toward your mate.
The Prophet Amos asked the question, "Can two walk together, unless they are agreed?" (Amos 3:3). Amos was reproving God's people for their disobedience and unwillingness to agree with God about their sin. The Apostle John believed the same. He said, "If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins..." (1 John 1:9) The word "confess" means to "agree with." When you confess your sins, you are agreeing with God, and this enables you to walk with Him. God will never force His will upon you. He waits for you to come into agreement with Him.
The same thing is true with your spouse. When you both confess your faults, you find immediate agreement together. This agreement is what enables you to find a lasting compromise where you have previously demanded your own way. Compromise is loving agreement to give, not demand. Forcing and imposing your will, is nothing but pride and selfishness on your part. This will reconcile nothing between you!
8. Take action even if your spouse will not. This is what God did with you. He demonstrated "His own love toward us, in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us"(Rom. 5:8) Christ took the action of love even when we were still in rebellion against Him. If we are to love others as He has loved us, then we must do the same (John 13:34).
When you take action to love and change what you're doing wrong, this brings powerful encouragement to provoke your spouse to love you and to change too (Heb. 10:24). Jesus said, "Whatever you want men to do to you, do also to them..." (Matt. 7:12). Apply this principle to your marriage. How do you want your spouse to act toward you? Take this action toward him or her. Take this action today!
9. What should you do if your spouse doesn't respond? Be patient, pray, and don't give up! Some people take longer to respond than others. This, again, is the posture that God has taken toward you. He is "longsuffering toward us, not willing that any should perish but that all should come to repentance" (2 Peter 3:9). So also, "you have need of endurance, so that after you have done the will of God, you may receive the promise" (Heb. 10:36).
You must be patient because most heated arguments are not resolved by just one conversation. If you wait and pray and there is still no response after a short time, go again and ask your mate to consider the issues you have previously discussed. Continue to pray that God would cause your loved one to yield to the truth and take action. If your partner brings other issues to you in which you have been offending, follow the above steps again.
Remember God's love continually seeks reconciliation with man. His love in you will do the same! Seek reconciliation!
If you need further help in resolving any of these issues, don't wait; see your pastor as soon as possible.
god bless
It's two days now without hearing from you. I hope all is well with you in Jersey.
Just know that you are in our hearts and prayers. God bless your day-Pst. Bernhard C.
Love and Blessings, Carla
thank you so much for your words of encouragement,the enemy is out there to destroy us and the closer we get to god he knows that he is getting defeated, he knows that he can't get to you so he uses either your friend or your spouse or any one of your family members to get to you.
GOD BLESS
Christian Myspace Comments @ DazzleJunction.com
Hi Hope,
I just wanted to share this video with you. Love in Christ, Carla
Hi5 Comments & Glitter Graphics
If we had no hope of His second coming, our faith would be in vain.
I love the fire you stir up in our souls...and will pray for you as you have requested. Will write to you at length later if I have the time.
Bye for now-Pst. Bernhard C.
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