Transitioning for the better but crawling through a war zone!

I remember my pastor once asking all of us 'do you consider problems to be a good thing or a bad thing?' Most of us, including myself, answered 'it's a bad thing!' After my pastor said 'No, it's a good thing because it's what made you seek Jesus Christ!' I thought about that statement for a few seconds and let it marinate. He was very much telling the truth!

I admit that I have never been the most faithful of Christians. My mom has been a Christian now for over 15 years and yet it is within the last three years that she has really delved in deeper. I began attending my current church almost two years ago although I had gone years before but definitely not with the same dedication as I do now. Maturity thing?  Maybe. But also my problems brought me to Jesus' door.

Currently I am dealing with illness that affects my every day and even my sleep. It's been two months now since all this started although I dealt with the same sickness two years ago. Of course I started going to church 3x a week, became more spiritually aware and once things got better and I was blessed with the things I needed I cut back on attendance, and praying. I'm not proud of this but I'm being truthful.

This time around because of my condition I started to increase my attendance once more, praying more and even before all this began had made it a daily practice of reading a scripture from the Bible. I had been going through much stress at work as problems there never seemed to cease and I felt under appreciated, lost, trapped, and taken advantage of. My personal life was no better. I was focusing on the whys and whens of certain areas of my life! All the while I was overlooking one of the most precious things God ever blessed me with...my HEALTH!

I have been struggling with this minor condition every day and albeit minor it is quite debilitating. I was angry at first but then I had to look within myself and at some of the things I have said and done in recent past. Then one day it hit me and the answers to my questions were being answered! It is the greatest feeling when you know God is talking to you! I have never felt worthy of that and I still don't but I love that He talks to me! I remember my brother telling me 'I can't help but to be angry at God because  He is afflicting you with so many different things!' (I have had bouts with other health issues before this current one)I had to tell him not to be angry at God as He is trying to teach me something very valuable. I still believe that now and also believe He wants to direct me down a more positive path. I've already let Him know that I will not resist and to trust that I won't turn my back on Him once things improve again like I did before. My understanding of my problems is much clearer than the first time.

During this transition I have felt myself evolving but my faith is CONSTANTLY tested which is the toughest part beside my illness!  Faith was never in my vocabulary because I lacked so little of it my entire life! I have literally felt the enemy stomp his feet at the foot of my bed, have felt him shake me on my couch while I slept and have heard his voice! I can't stand how much he wants me to continue being this unhappy, sick, even suicidal at times, person! I feel like I'm on my hands and knees covered in bruises and bloody scars trying to reach for Jesus' hand in the light but it still looks so far away! Giving up is NOT AN OPTION but man sometimes I think it's easier! But I won't do it! I don't deserve it! And I certainly don't want to be left completely alone and not have Jesus there to save me! All I can do now is pray for strength, perseverance and faith to be able to live with this a little longer. In the end I know my spiritual reward will be worth every scar and bruise!

P.S. Sorry for the college essay! God bless all of you and keep fighting the good fight with Jesus on your side! Do not take your health for granted!