The Closer I get to god the harder it gets

Im a 22yr old mother and wife. I love Jesus Christ with all my heart and vie been through some rough things that god has got me through. I also backslid from god so I know how tough it is to live without god and how lonely one gets. but now that I'm getting even closer to him it feels like it's getting tougher and more temptations are coming my way. I love my husband as well And he is a very very good man he has never hit me or abused me. Well an incident happened to us the other day causing us to argue and well it was out of nowhere that he got up to my face and yelled at me and grabbed me out of anger and threw me on the couch and forced himself on top of me . I was surprised because I was not yelling or cursing or threatening him . I'm mean I'm not innocent because I did get annoying I threw his jeans on the floor which I think bugged him but still I never saw him like that. I come from a background where I used to see my biological father beat my mother and also my step father and when I was young untold myself if any man ever put his hands on me I would defend myself and not take it like my mother did but I couldn't defend my self I was scared. He literally sprang my wrist and it has a big bruise which I look at and it angers me. He also last year gave himself to god and we never curse but I just don't know how to handle all this. I want Jesus to forgive me for angering him and acting bad and giving into sin easily. I just am so confused I just need prayers I'm sorry if I did not make sense and Im not writing this to make people feel bad for me I just want prayers please. That's all I want I'm a person like a lot out there that just wants to change and be a better person for god. I hope anyone that reads this prays for my family. I don't want feel like this anymore. Well god bless you all- venessa Hernandez