Struggling Hard Today

I had a vacation day today to spend some time with my son who was visiting.  I am having a really hard time today.  Nothing is it's normal.  I'm not living in my home with my husband, my son is spending time with him and his step-brother and I just feel alone today.  I spent a couple of hours with him and went by my house and I just can't seem to be ok being there.  I'm really angry about why I am out of the home and I am very, very hurt.   August 21st changed my life and I can't keep thinking about it.  My husband was angry with me that day because I was helping buy food for our granddaughter's first birthday.  There are some major control issues and he kept provoking and goading me (at my counselor descriped) and then he started calling me some really bad names that triggered me.  I slapped him and then he slapped me hard knocking me to the ground (and later there was bruising).  The dishwasher was open and I threw dishes towards him.  While on the ground, I asked my step-son to call the police.  I was honest with them about my part and he said his was defensive.  He is 6-2 and I am 5-4 and he justified his actions and I was the one arrested.  I didn't tell them that he had threatened to break my wrists, etc.  The last time we had a big blowout he called me a phsyco *itch 26 times in 5 minutes as I was waking up from our spare bedroom.  I am so angry today and hurt.  I want to forgive and let go but that has drastically changed who I am.  The DA hasn't pressed charges nor do we expect them to and as they said when I got to the jail, I shouldn't be there.  I go through this anger though and feel like I should be punished.  I had 20 years of an abusive previous marriage and I just don't know what to do.  I want to be able to trust again but I don't.  He's in counseling and I'm in counseling.  We met once so far with the pastor's wife (for marriage counseling).  I hate that I have to be on my own and I am wanting to somehow make my marriage work but all I see is failure right now.  Failure in both of us.  I am having a hard time feeling God's love right now and that scares me because I know in my heart he is there for me always.  I have had so many hurts over the years, from rape when I was 16, a bad relationship with my dad, my ex husband and now this with my current husband.  I feel like I"m falling apart and I am so scared.  I just so need prayers and to know God loves me even when I have failed.