I CORINTHIANS 13:7
Love bears all things, belives all things,hopes all things
Love Endures all things, Love never fails--
I was always a very loving child, Dad told me this often; and mom said before she knew it; I'd crawled up into her artms, and had saught out my moms love, she never gave it; but only did her motherly duties begrudgingly, and told us constantly how we needed to basically kiss her feet for her having to ask dad for things for us; and with consequences, we were outside all day when company came over, she didnt like noise, much less seeing us; she would put us on our knees for hrs, 5-6 at a time, sometimes outside along the building with gravel & shells to kneel on; w bathroom breaks only w permission....
One day when she & my dad sat on a swing in the backyard; I went to just lay my head on her lap; and she picked me up off the ground by my hair, I Remember that day up untill I went to lean against her, and asked if I could sit with them; no was the abrupt answer.
I was about 2-3 yrs old, and then I dont remember anything after that.
Hence the 10 yrs of waking up w nightmares, wetting the bed, sleep walking, crying in my sleep, Nightmares mostly the same dream, and falling out of bed often; It was dad who'd wipe my eyes w a warm washcloth in the morning so I could see again, for at least ten yrs, I had no real memories of my childhood, it was more like a blank chalkboard.
She would let my oldest sister beat me up & she'd tell me to hit her back, while standing less than 3 feet away in the kitchen, I'd always say I wouldnt; because I loved my sister too much to hit her.
Mom would take our christmas presents and give them to her friends kids who lived 3 houses down, she'd took my best loved things, my doll, and a huge panda & gave the panda I so loved to my lil sister without asking, which after I came home from school my sister told me she didnt want; and had used markers to detroy the pandas features; I was crushed....
I can count on one hand the good times I have had with her, thats how few. I never got to be or stay in dance class when my other sisters didnt want to do it anymore.
I was invisible, and never was wanted even though I denied it for many years, and left home on my 18th birthday to go to work, and hope for true love one day; it hasnt happened yet...
I was left at home till dark, by myself a few times, when I was a preteen and was too terrified in the dark to move from my spot in the living room till they got back home.
I married and stayed off & on in a 30+ yr relationship w my first husband and then again after we were divorced during that time;for another 13 yrs, to make him help me raise the kids in as best an environment as possible, as I know how hard it is as a single parent; I did it by myself w no help from him at all for 7-1/2 yrs.
So even though he thought being married meant for him drugs & partying, it was better than nothing, and I'd hoped the kids could see the 2 different worlds and make the right choices in their lives of what not to do by observing the good & bad ways of both of us, praying was the most practiced, Lauren & Josh still pray together at night to this day and say I Love you to each other often and morals were instilled and worked on daily.
I'd bought as many teaching tools on, Manners, Honesty, Getting along, Stealing, being a Spoiled Brat, about Bullies, and any other self help books I could find; The BearnStein Bears became a family ritual at home and was lent to their classrooms to help others,
The library was a fun place for the kids, and we'd hold hands at night in our three beds, side by side in one room, theyd have a ritual of icecold water just before bed, Cause I said it was to help us calm down and get ready to sleep; and yes, go to bed about 8 still talking, and answering more questions till about 9:30 till I said its time to sleep now...;)
Kids can be very persuasive to waste extra time when they are having fun cant they?
My Ex used to say it would make him want to cry; cause he knew I'd make sure those babies never did without presents under the tree for Christmas; I'd use my last money; and do without myself, to make sure they never had to suffer; even hocking my rings to get diapers & formula.
Now my moms in a nursing home, and her minds very much that of a child, and I cant see her as often as I'd wish to; but I did call her last night and its like she never was the mean, unlovely person I'd known all my life, and my heart hurts to know that Ive missed so much; and so has she, for yrs after I left home at 18, till just this year when I moved in with her for those last 4 mnths, before she went in the nursing home;
I had never cared to have any contact with her as to the cruelty shown even towards my childen, when Chris was about 1-1/2 yrs old she came to visit and my son was the most beautiful good angelic child anyone could ask for, was quietly sat on the sofa reading the picturebooks, she wanted me to make him go away, in his room; outside/ anywhere; and she didnt like his sweet laughter, and asked/told me to make him stop.....?
So I looked at them both, he sitting quietly and with the sweet soft laughter of a baby, doing nothing outrageous, I calmly told her she could leave if she didnt like it because he wasnt bothering any one, it was his home; He Really was being so good, not loud and obnoxious as some toddlers can be at all.....? And another time when she came over to visit when Lauren & Josh were toddlers, I went to fix coffee for us both to visit; and when I turned my back to go into the kitchen; she calmly stated that she could have my children taken away from me, (Not again)....I thought; what did you say mom? I asked, and she restated what she'd just said; so I asked her to leave please,... that was another time, and Once I took up for my neice & nephew at their home, when mom threatened to hurt them, and put them in the hospital if they didnt do whatever it was she wanted them to do, maybe to read the bible; I cant remember exactly that reason; but it was something that wasnt normal to do for them and I calmly told her she wasnt going to lay a hand on them, I'd see to that, and she said she'd put me in the hospital(physically), and I laughed out loud and said No you wont, and No you Wont touch these kids either; she stormed out the house w a few vulgarities as usual.
This woman is not the same mother I knew at all.... my moral compass to do, and be my best was my dads mom; 'Mamom' as I called her, she was a small slight framed woman, who spoke mostly French and even less English; but it was her quiet demeanor that struck me the most; and when I had time, and she was alone, I'd entertain her by playing googly eyes with her; to see who'd blink first, well I could see her smile start to break, and it was all over...;) sha lil girl, once I tried to start teaching her the english alphabet, me a child lol, well I gave it a few shots in the dark anyway,...;)
I can remember when my sisters & I would take turns sleeping at Mamoms house on the weekends, Mamom would tell us if we were good; she'd give us a dime to go to the lil Penny candy store 2 houses down from hers to get us some sweets; and of course we were good, hey were else can you find 10 candies for a dime nowadays huh?
At night we'd take our bath in her huge claw foot tub, Mamom would turn on the heating blanket, then we'd both kneel by the bed to say our prayers for everyone.
In the morning about 3-ish, Mamom would be up making pancakes or toast in her two sided toaster were you'd have to flip open & downward the lil doors on the toaster; and turn the bread over to get it toasted on both sides; then she'd set breakfast on the tv tray table by her firepace (it had a gas heater inside) and turn on the tv for us to watch cartoons, She was the sweetest Grandma I ever had the pleasure to know for 17 yrs. She was the only grandparent I knew.
I grieved for over 10 yrs after she passed, and one of her favorite songs, still makes me cry, (Jais Passe Du Vont ta Porte) 'I passed by your door one day' _in french, I sang it to my babies & neices, nephews many times to put them to sleep.
We'd even get to go visit the neighbors across the street with Mamom when she went.
There is so much more memories about Mamom but I'll try and make a journal so I can pass them down to my future grandkids; they should know some history, and I dont mind; if it helps them for good in any way to remain humble; by remembering who gives us all things good & bad, that are allowed to happen to us that we may walk the right paths that He sets before us in Love; then Ive done my job...
This is a small window into my life, and No; I have no hate for, or anger toward anyone. Nothing could be further from the truth, we are to go through trials and persecutions in this life; did not the Father do so much more for us?
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