My Testimony

I was raised going to church every sunday. However, I was the trouble maker out of everyone I knew. I had been in a childrens home, house arrest, and home incarceration by the time I was 16. I was kicked out of my house that year and got pregnant. I lived with my boyfriend. I left him by 18 and left my son with him as well. I started drinking and using drugs again, as I had prior to the pregnancy. Cocaine was introduced to me and I was using every single day. I moved away with my sister to start fresh, knowing in my heart something wasn't right. I left Ohio and went to Chicago, ending in Tennessee by 19 with my mother. I, within months found a man that I fell for as I did with every man looking back on it. He made a lot of money and gave me anything I asked for. I had it made. I had a son with this man. We drank the finest wine and got drunk almost every night. I moved to Michigan with him 2 and a half years into the relationship and a few months later returned to Tennessee because again, in my heart I knew I wasn't living right I just didn't know what was missing. I ended up getting pregnant again and aborting my child. A few months later and a lot of partying I was once again pregnant. I was at the bar everynight and never paid much attention to my son. My mother watched him while I went out and told her I was working. I lost my son to his father and pretty much lost everything else. I found myself living in my car or on people's couches pregnant and scared. Again, not knowing where to turn, I was looking for affection in a man to make it better. I had a little girl and well, after two months I was living with a drug dealer and sent my baby to my mothers home which was now in another state. I stayed high and drunk everyday. He belittled me and beat me for about 4 months and I found myself once again pregnant. In my mind, I loved this man and tried to make it work. He threw me out of the house pregnant and no where to go. I once again lived place to place only this time no car. I stayed on drugs during my pregnancy and every other week would go to this man's house for affection only to spend a night or two and be beat again. Pregnant, strung out, and all alone I called my oldest sister to come get me and take me back to Ohio. She of course came. I stayed for three days and left. She went to church, made me go with her and I wasn't wanting that. I fought it. So I found someone to come get me, take me back to this guy and for two weeks we lived together before the throwing around and name calling began again. Once again my sister and brother in law drove to get me. This time was different. I was 7 months pregnant with my fourth child and no man or money or hope left. I went to a revival with my sister from Hilton Sutton. It changed me. I started asking questions and started wanting to know more. Remember I grew up in church and knew the basics. Yet I never really understood. I was sitting on my sisters porch pregnant and smoking a cigarette trying to reach the father of my unborn child and I just stopped. I sat and prayed. God came into my life and I had found that love that I was always searching for. However, a few months down the road, I was actively in church gave birth to a beautiful baby girl and got my other daughter back, the ex called me. I hadn't talked to him since that night. I hadn't needed him. He finally talked me into letting him come see his daughter, said he really loved me and that he wanted to see her. I allowed it. Ten days of him being there and us being at friends houses because my sister wouldn't allow him in her home, I took off with my kids and him back to Tennessee. I told him how I had changed and that no drugs could be in our home that we had to get a new home and be a real family. That lasted three months. He started telling me I couldn't talk about God. I wasn't allowed to have my Bible. I lost touch. The beatings began again and I was too scared to go to God and ask for his help. I was ashamed I had strayed. I moved to Chicago with my other sister after 8 months of being with this man. I never got back with God. I started bettering myself by going to school and thought everything was fine. I got a lump sum of money and once again packed up and headed back to Tennessee. To me, all my friends were there and I was lonely, again I had refused to turn to God. I ended up losing custody of both my daughters to my mother. I never had a stable home, mostly I slept in my car. I moved in with a friend of mine and got a job. I, of course, found "love" in a man and made him my whole world. I lost the job and lived off of him. We broke up and i moved out and was doing drugs again. I continued to have sex with this guy. He really had a good heart but I tried talking to him about God and he told me he believed in a higher power but to leave it at that. We never got back on the subject. I woke up one morning to a phone call that he had passed away in his sleep. I was devastated and got deeper into drugs, drinking, and sleeping around. I found myself putting needles in my arms and trying to numb the pain. Nothing was working. My father who I had only met about 6 times my whole life, picked me up in the middle of the night and drove me to Florida. He is not a man of God. However, while I was detoxing and just wanting to argue with someone I brought up God. That night I found myself sitting outside on his porch once again cigarette in hand, and realized that its time I go home. God took me back in. I had done horrible things, things that i thought I could never get forgiveness for, I didn't deserve his forgiveness. I lied about my own childs death to get attention at one point, I was a horrible person. But God accepted me back in and now, I am living for him. I am still in Florida, and actively praising God. I am clean and trying to get my kids back. I am now 25 years old and have the only love that I will ever need in Jesus Christ.