Miscarriage: A Note To Husbands

If your wife has suffered a miscarriage, you may be at a total loss as what to do or say. It is important that you don’t feel that it is necessary to make everything all better; you can’t make everything all better. Your wife has suffered a devastating loss and she is grieving. She needs time to process her grief. In the meantime, she needs you to just be there: hold her, listen to her, cry with her, ache for her. This was a child and your wife needs you to validate its very brief life.

Many men seem to not know what to feel or how to express it when their child has been lost to miscarriage. Look at it from your wife’s perspective. She is looking down the road to birthday parties that she will never throw, cheeks that she will never kiss, toes she will never count, graduations that she will never attend and weddings she will never help to plan. This is a loss on a devastating scale, perhaps made worse if she feels that her own body is a traitor to her and somehow an aide in her child’s death. Hold her, caress her, tell her you love her. Let her know that it is not her fault. If she pulls away when you reach for her, gently try again. She doesn’t want to feel that you are simply “doing your duty” but that you really love her and want to be there for her. Be persistent. Listen to her again and again as she recounts her feelings (even if this goes on for a month or two). Let her know that you don’t mind her tears. Let her cry on your shoulder (that is, after all, one reason that God gave men strong shoulders–they are great for soaking up a woman’s tears).

Remember that she has to recover physically as well emotionally. She needs to be taken care of, catered to, waited on. Cook for her (even if it is only frozen pizza or soup from a can). Draw her a bath. Bring her flowers. Check out her favorite movie and watch it with her (even if it drives you nuts do it with a smile). Don’t let her feel that she is a burden to you. Make sure she doesn’t have to worry about housework or any other children. It won’t kill you to do a load of laundry or dishes. Remember clutter looks dirtier than dirt so clean accordingly (but don’t take that as permission to throw junk mail away but not sweep!). Do the little things that speak love to her, and, when she is better, she will love you all the more for it. Whatever you do, don’t be one of those guys who lets his wife down during this all-too-painful time. There are too many of them already. She needs you. This is your time to shine.

If someone else offers to help, say yes (even if she says no).

During these long and dark days make sure that you take care of her spiritual needs. Let her know that you know that God is still good always and in always and that our circumstances never diminish His goodness. She may know that but she needs to hear it. Read the Bible to her. Pray for her. Engage others to pray for her. If you feel that she is sinking into clinical depression, get her professional help.

Her pain may flare up around the baby’s due date as she remembers what might have been. Even after she has processed her grief and begun to move on, the pain may return in waves down through the years. That is normal. Continue to let her know that you understand. Whatever you do, now or in the future, don’t tell her to “get over it” or “move on”. This ways, after all, the loss of a child.