I wrote this in a dark time of my life as a back sliding Christian and hope it gives someone hope.
I have always fought - it seemed as though there was nothing else I could ever do throughout my life, but my strengths have failed me, my soul is seeking, my desire for the truth escapes me and the need to seek and destroy myself has gain ground once again. The spiral never ends. I cannot remember who I am, the blur stops me.
Evil has returned - without the anointing that as children of God we all have, I am done and as always is my fight to fight. I am sick of fighting, my strengths fail me. I miss the cell, where freedom came; I missed the blue that physically enslaved me, but the freedom that came with it, in the Spirit of truth, was palpable.
This life has once again blindsided me. I no longer wish to fight ME and I am giving up... Goodbye self and cruel world, destruction is constructing my death and the sin within is pulling the strings and smashing my dreams.
This is what I get when my life burns faster, as I state all the right things and yet my actions helped me smash my dreams, as they just laugh at my cry. Overdosing on self pity is not for me, so I will grab my nina and see where all this leads. Yes! They will help me die.
Getting lost within myself, these lyrics I memorized make me cry:
Life it seems will fade away -Drifting further every day - Getting lost within myself - Nothing matters, no one else -I have lost the will to live - Simply nothing more to give -
There is nothing more for me
Need the end to set me free - Things not what they used to be - Missing one inside of me - Deathly lost, this can't be real - Cannot stand this hell I feel - Emptiness is filling me - To the point of agony
Growing darkness taking dawn - I was me but now he's gone - No one but me can save myself - But it's too late - Now I can't think - Think why I should even try - Yesterday seems as though - It never existed - Death greets me warm - Now I will just say goodbye.
So Goodbye and just then I hear:
that voice that called me to stand and FIGHT AND the LIGHTS COME ON AGAIN AND THINGS ARE NO MORE WHAT THEY USED TO BE, TO THE POiNT OF ACTING AND DECLARING DARKNESS HAS FLED. IN THE PRESENCE OF MY MASTER NOW I SING - GUILTY AS CHARGED, BUT THIS CAN NOT BE HAPPENING TO ME, FOR MY LORD NEVER GIVES UP EVEN WHEN I TRY. So you see His love is Amazing.
OH PLEASE GOD HELP ME OR GET IT OVER WITH - iT'S TIME TO DIE.
The love of the father!
[the greatest single cause of atheism in the world today Is cause by Christians who acknowledge Jesus with their lips - Then walk out the door and deny him by their lifestyle. That is what an unbelieving world simply finds unbelievable.]
What if I stumble? What if I fall?
Is this one for the people? Is this one for the lord? Or do I simply serenade for things I must afford?
You can jumble them together, my conflict still remains Holiness is calling, in the midst of courting fame
Cause I see the trust in their eyes - Though the sky is falling- They need your love in their lives
Compromise is calling (chorus) What if I stumble, what if I fall? What if I lose my step and I make fools of us all? Will the love continue when my walk becomes a crawl? What if I stumble, and what if I fall?
What if I stumble, what if I fall? You never turn in the heat of it all - What if I stumble, what if I fall?
Father please forgive me for I can not compose -The fear that lives within me -Or the rate at which it grows
If struggle has a purpose - On the narrow road youve carved - Why do I dread my trespasses will leave a deadly scar - Do they see the fear in my eyes? Are they so revealing? This time I cannot disguise All the doubt Im feeling
What if I stumble? Everyones got to crawl when you know that Youre up against a wall, its about to fall
Everyones got to crawl when you know that (2x) I hear you whispering my name [you say]
My love for you will never change [never change] (repeat chorus 2x)
What if I stumble, what if I fall? You never turn in the heat of it all - What if I stumble, what if I fall? You are my comfort, and my god Is this one for the people, is this one for the lord? DC TALK