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I wrote this in a dark time of my life as a back sliding Christian and hope it gives someone hope.

I have always fought - it seemed as though there was nothing else I could ever do throughout my life, but my strengths have failed me, my soul is seeking, my desire for the truth escapes me and the need to seek and destroy myself has gain ground once again. The spiral never ends. I cannot remember who I am, the blur stops me.
Evil has returned - without the anointing that as children of God we all have, I am done and as always is my fight to fight. I am sick of fighting, my strengths fail me. I miss the cell, where freedom came; I missed the blue that physically enslaved me, but the freedom that came with it, in the Spirit of truth, was palpable.
This life has once again blindsided me. I no longer wish to fight ME and I am giving up... Goodbye self and cruel world, destruction is constructing my death and the sin within is pulling the strings and smashing my dreams.
This is what I get when my life burns faster, as I state all the right things and yet my actions helped me smash  my dreams, as they just laugh at my cry. Overdosing on self pity is not for me, so I will grab my nina and see where all this leads. Yes! They will help me die.
Getting lost within myself, these lyrics I memorized make me cry:
Life it seems will fade away -Drifting further every day - Getting lost within myself - Nothing matters, no one else -I have lost the will to live - Simply nothing more to give -
There is nothing more for me
Need the end to set me free - Things not what they used to be - Missing one inside of me - Deathly lost, this can't be real - Cannot stand this hell I feel - Emptiness is filling me - To the point of agony
Growing darkness taking dawn - I was me but now he's gone - No one but me can save myself - But it's too late - Now I can't think - Think why I should even try - Yesterday seems as though - It never existed - Death greets me warm - Now I will just say goodbye.

So Goodbye and just then I hear:



The love of the father!

[the greatest single cause of atheism in the world today Is cause by Christians who acknowledge Jesus with their lips - Then walk out the door and deny him by their lifestyle. That is what an unbelieving world simply finds unbelievable.]

What if I stumble? What if I fall?

Is this one for the people? Is this one for the lord? Or do I simply serenade for things I must afford?
You can jumble them together, my conflict still remains Holiness is calling, in the midst of courting fame

Cause I see the trust in their eyes - Though the sky is falling- They need your love in their lives
Compromise is calling (chorus) What if I stumble, what if I fall? What if I lose my step and I make fools of us all? Will the love continue when my walk becomes a crawl? What if I stumble, and what if I fall?
What if I stumble, what if I fall? You never turn in the heat of it all - What if I stumble, what if I fall?

Father please forgive me for I can not compose -The fear that lives within me -Or the rate at which it grows
If struggle has a purpose - On the narrow road youve carved - Why do I dread my trespasses will leave a deadly scar - Do they see the fear in my eyes? Are they so revealing? This time I cannot disguise All the doubt Im feeling

What if I stumble? Everyones got to crawl when you know that Youre up against a wall, its about to fall
Everyones got to crawl when you know that (2x) I hear you whispering my name [you say]
My love for you will never change [never change
] (repeat chorus 2x)

What if I stumble, what if I fall? You never turn in the heat of it all - What if I stumble, what if I fall? You are my comfort, and my god Is this one for the people, is this one for the lord? DC TALK

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Comment by Gayla on May 9, 2011 at 6:05am

Hi David...

I have been going thru the darkest valley that I have ever experienced in my entire life, and I came to post about it, and get prayer for it.

I befriended a woman who was in great distress, and I thought she was a
Christian, however, when I brought her into my home, trouble started, and it has not stopped. The main problem being an attack on my mind, and those around me. Division, depression and anxiety have been very great.

 During this time, I have been acutely aware of all my faults and shortcomings. God has seemed distant, even though he continues to assure me that he is with me, and that there is light at the end of the tunnel. At times, I have wondering if my mind would simply give way to the warfare it was experiencing.


I know that God takes what was meant for evil against us and uses it for his good, and all the messages that are coming across my path have to do with cutting away..... fleshly things from those things that are spiritual.


One person who prayed for me, early on, in the beginning of this trial, prayed for faith.... at the time, I wondered at that, because my faith had always been strong, however, now, I see that it was being tested to the limit of its endurance, and he was right on with his prayer.

Others around me, have been affected by this as well, one man saying that he knew he was not right, and he was repeating himself, and saying that things were being inflicted upon his mind, (we wondered if he was possibly having a stroke at the time, but, now think it has to do with warfare on his mind ) another woman who is close to this situation had a very vivid nightmare, that she awoke from in tears, scared to death. The woman who claims to be from God, described the dream in detail and said that it was a warning from God.

This is not the God that I have known and loved for the last 25 years..... it is something entirely different, completely without love, and only accusing of wrongs and faults, accompanied by despair.

Please help me to understand all of this, and I greatly desire your prayers, as well as those of anyone else reading this post.

Comment by Ruel Z Chavez on May 6, 2011 at 4:47am
Hi David! The title of your post got my attention. It's about death. When everything was fine with me in the past, death is the farthest reality in my mind. But now, that my situation is not that good in human sight, I find comfort in dying. But this comfort is not out of desperation. I found this comfort when as a result of a trial in life, all my fears are vanished including my fear of death. In His grace, I can now say in truth with apostle Paul that "for me to live is Christ and to die is gain." I now consider to be with the Lord anytime far better than the fulfillment of all my dreams including my dream of seeing the restoration of my family, my dream of being given a second chance to be used as a messenger of the CROSS, and my dream to see my fellow Filipinos set free from the bondage of poverty.

Thank you again for your post. It caused me to reflect on what is in my mind. I find it healthy and refreshing.

Love, Joy, Grace, Peace, and Blessing!
Comment by MYu on December 22, 2010 at 8:36pm


David, I just read this blog of yours... thanks for sharing. There are still a lot who are feeling the anguish you felt at that point in your life, feeling that it's time to die. I pray for them all the time. God is reaching out to them... they just need to see that for themselves. So glad you didn't lose God's grip and you're here to be a blessing to a lot of us. (",)

Comment by Ibegbulem Emma on November 11, 2010 at 6:31pm
Thanks David. Italy? I've learned to thank God whatever the situation may be. So I'd say, by His grace, Italy's treating me well. It's a beautiful nation. I don't know any Italian Christian music, except for Ave Maria (Pavarotti).
Comment by Ibegbulem Emma on November 11, 2010 at 6:26pm
It's time to die - inspirational!
Comment by David Velasquez on November 3, 2010 at 12:38am
Sister Melissa you and your loves ones are in my prayers.
Comment by MELISSA NORIEGA on October 29, 2010 at 8:53am
I lost custody of my son yesterday to his abusive father. I had faith in the system and once again it failed. I am here, right where you were when you wrote this.

I just recently found God (in June) after I saw the change in my sister (Jessica Robertson, who referred me to your page). Fortunately for me, I unlike most people was prepared for the attack I was set to endure. Satan lost me and he's one unhappy fella. He's got his grips on my husband now, terrified of losing him to God too. And now this, my son is gone with his abusive, neglectful dad and schizophrenic abusive stepmother. PRAY FOR HIM PLEASE.

I ask for the strength to keep my faith, to not let Satan destroy me. I've lived through rape, abuse, neglect, molestation...but this seems much more difficult. Being a (good) parent, your mission is to always prevent harm to your child. It's the hardest thing I've ever had to do in life, hand the reigns to God and trust Him with my baby.
My testimony is here:!/note.php?note_id=489722820621
Comment by Pat on August 25, 2010 at 3:35pm
"Wow"!!!! Good powerful Testimony!!! Thanks for sharing God wants us to "Be Real",it's the only way to help others!!!! Hiding want do it people need the whole truth.My Testimony or most of it is here just go through the archives and I hope many are encouraged to keep trusting God,for he will bring needed change in your life.
Comment by Merriam on August 19, 2010 at 5:39am
Hi David,
God bless you for sharing the above with us for it really helped when I was going through my dark days....I praise God for His faithfulness.......that will never fail us ever.
Comment by David Velasquez on May 16, 2010 at 11:41am
hahaahaha - Janie that is funny cause is true nina in spanish means little girl. Did not think of that.

But Ms. Fly got it right. I was using nina for Nine millimeter gun. ohhh an just so you know. Is time to die, means, its time to die to self and live for Christ.

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