I can't help seeking righteousness by deed, not by faith.

I haven't really been feeling I want to write for a while, but now I do.
This things I am sharing with you can't be shared with those who can know and see me.

Now I really am trying to disciple myself and have holier life to please God,
As Bible says "Offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God-this is your spirituala act of worship"-Roman 12:1
"Put to death, therefore, whatever belongs to your earthly nature:sexual immorarilty, impurity, lust, evil desires and greed, which is idolatry"-Colossians3:5
"Make every effort to live in peace with all men and to be holy;without holiness no one see the Lord"-Hebrew 12:14

Now I have lost job since the end of May, and mostly I have spend time in my room.
If I go to work, I don't have much time to indulge in sin. But now I've got much free time. It's so easy to
indulge in sin, giving heart to earthly things, not to God for us to be alone in room with much free time.
This is hard to make such time to be holy and pleasing to God and control myself in free time.
I am really careful not to get up late morning, to stay late at night, giving my heart to earthly things rather than God.
The beginnning of this year, I have decided to pray for 30 minutes everyday, but now I don't have job and have much free time, and not to waste precious time given by God,I have spent as much time as I can to pray. Since the beginnning of June to now, I have prayed for about 2 hours everyday, and since January, I have fasted once in fiveday, but now I am trying to fast twice a week. Today I am fasting.
The reason I don't share this story to other who knows me is I might be proud to them about my deeds and feel superiority complex against them. I am sorry if this expression offends you, but I really want to share these things with pure heart, but I can't, without taking proud of my deeds, feeling superiority complex no matter how I hate these sinful nature. These are my fresh nature, so detested by God. And I am afraid if I share these things to others who knows me, I might let my right hand knows my left hand so that I lose my reward from Him, so I want to share these things to you who don't know and see me. Of course I know there are many who pray, fast, work for Him much more than me.Even if I know it, I can't helping being boastful,,
The harder I try to be pleasing to God, I feel as if the more I am losing the joy and happiness of being saved and having relationship with God, as if I get satisfaction from what I think I do for God, not from what He has done for me.
As Galatian 5 say, I tend to go to another Gospel which saves us by our deeds, not faith in Jesus.
I rarely have fruits of Holy spirits, such as love, peace, joy,,,..I think I try to be received by Jesus by deeds, not faith.
But to have holy life is very important, so I have tried to be so seriously.
He never want and expect us to live sinful life. While I am trying to be holy, spending God-pleased life, I am sinning one of the greatest sin that I don't commit myself in His love, rather, my deed that I think I am doing for Him. I pray for Him to reveal to me what it means to get justified by faith,not by deed, as Paul, Martin Luther were revealed. And I don't love neighbor at all as much as Jesus want me to. I just try to be holy but I don't love others. this is also my problems!I just want to know how many of Christians try to be holy life being filled love, peace, joy. I want to criticize and askother grown Christians who says "you are loved by God, not because of your deed", "Do you always try to live for Him alone? No matter what costs, can you obey him? Can you die for Him? Do you really know how just and fearful God is? He detests each sin we commited. Do you fight with sin with all your strengh to the point of shedding your blood?Are you defeated by Satan so you can easily say we are loved, we are loved while not dedicating everything you are to God, who really wants us to do so. In what I believe is, as long as we can't dedicate ourself perfectly to God, He never be pleased and we can't be given everything of what He has planned to give us. He does only want those who always gladly die for Him so that He can bless us as much as He wants.He wants everything we are. If I withhold even a little thing from God, He isn't pleased.Of course if we repent the sin we can't live and die only for Him, He forgives, but He isn't be pleased. Because He loves us,He wants everything we are.He jealously longs for us."
So, I am not happy at all. I don't die for Him at all. As long as I don't, He never be pleased with me. If what I am saying perfectly wrong, some one teaches me so that I can feel comfortable. I can' t share these things with even pastors or leader, for I think apparently they don't perfectly live and die for Him, or at least they should try to do so, but I don't think they do, so if I share these things with them, I am afraid if it judge them revealing they don't try to live and die only for The Lord.
And I spent almost 2 hours making these blogs, I am afraid if spending 2 hours for this is not His will and I do what he doesn't want and He has already judged me for this and I get robbed of my time by Satan.
Thank you for reading up to the end, even my English is not good. I am not criticizing or judging anyone. but these are my honest feeling, and want someone to help and save my struggling. From now on I pray to God for a while.
God bless you all! In Christ, Masaaki
"There was a prophetess, Anna, the daughter of Phanuel, of the tribe of Ashel. She was very old; she has lived seven years after her marriage, and then was a widow until she was eighty four. She never left the temple but worshiped night and day, fasting and praying."Luke 2:36-37