Better Days

So this week has been trying. Both of my children are sick. One with a double ear infection and the other with the stomach virus so they are pretty miserable. And to top everything off I have to call off for another week from work. Don't get me wrong, I love my babies and my job is second place to them, but I really like this job and I want to keep it. I have just called off alot for us being sick and I don't want to lose it. I will have no way to take care of my household and the job market here is horrible. I just want my babies healthy and active and driving me nuts. I can't stand to see them so sick and sad.

Things are just getting worse and worse. I can't seem to just open up my heart and trust God wholeheartedly and then I trust the wrong people down here. I mean look at my decisions. The only decent ones I make come to the well being of my kids. And I'm glad that I can make good decisions when it comes to them. But my life should be more than just my kids. I don't want to be that parent that tries to live out her life thru her kids and try to get them to do what I wanted to do when I was a teen and not let them make their own decisions and be responsible. I want them to be productive women of God not just existing in this messed up world, but trying to make a difference, living Godly lives. And I can't even show them how to because I'm so busy messing up my own life making these stupid, wreckless decisions that are just a waste of my time and energy. I'm sick of wasting my energy fighting God and being a piece of crap just existing, not knowing what my talents are let alone using them for the glory of God. See, I know that I'm wrong I just don't know how to fix it. I just want someone to tell me how to fix it, where to look in the Bible to find the answers to my problems. What is the right way to pray? Is there a script because every time I go to pray it just seems all wrong like I'm saying the wrong thing or I'm not being respectful because I talk to Him like He is my best friend. There is no order to my praying it's just whatever I want him to know at that time, Kinda like this post it's just my random thoughts all jumbled together out of order. And in the Bible it says that God likes things done decent and in order. So my prayers don't get heard because I'm just a disorganized person when it comes to praying??? Shoot, I'm disorganized about everything in my life. Maybe that's the starting point: organizing my life but I can't do it by myself. Every time I try I fail miserably and I can't go through that again. I'm just venting here.