Losing the Battle for Righteousness?

One thing I've realized in my battle for purity is that, like the Jews of the Old Testament, my good works don't matter. I can't attain righteousness through works. It is only through faith in Jesus. If I dwell in the Lord, He will dwell in me. This is an eternal promise that I have first-hand experience with. My wife and I do a Bible study together, and I like how she explains grace:

"The false belief of gaining salavation by human effort remains as strong as ever - people still think good intentions are the key to unlock the door to eternal life. By the time they get to try the lock, they will find that their key does not fit. Others imagine that their efforts are building a ladder to heaven made of service, family, position, reputation, good work, and desire, although none of these rungs will support a feather, people are so busy trying to reach God that they completely miss the truth that God has already reached down to them. We cannot earn God's mercy, because then it wouldn't be mercy."

What inspires me about my wife's explanation is that it completely describes the way I approached my addiction. I figured that I was the one responsible for hurting myself, my relationship with God, my marriage, my family. Therefore, I must be the one responsible for fixing what's been broken. Yet, this is a type of personal atonement! It is worth nothing to God. He doesn't ask me to pay for my sins because Jesus has already done it!

Recently, while reading my Bible, I had an interesting experience from the Holy Spirit. Afterwards, I wrote a paper on it. Let me share it with you because I think it explains my absolute trust and love for Christ. It's based on Luke 7:36-50.

“Jesus Anointed by a Sinful Woman

36 One of the Pharisees asked Jesus to have dinner with him, so Jesus went to his home and sat down to eat. 37 When a certain immoral woman from that city heard he was eating there, she brought a beautiful alabaster jar filled with expensive perfume. 38 Then she knelt behind him at his feet, weeping. Her tears fell on his feet, and she wiped them off with her hair. Then she kept kissing his feet and putting perfume on them.

39 When the Pharisee who had invited him saw this, he said to himself, ‘If this man were a prophet, he would know what kind of woman is touching him. She’s a sinner!’
40 Then Jesus answered his thoughts. ‘Simon,’ he said to the Pharisee, ‘I have something to say to you.’

‘Go ahead, Teacher,’ Simon replied.

41 Then Jesus told him this story: ‘A man loaned money to two people—500 pieces of silver[b] to one and 50 pieces to the other. 42 But neither of them could repay him, so he kindly forgave them both, canceling their debts. Who do you suppose loved him more after that?’

43 Simon answered, ‘I suppose the one for whom he canceled the larger debt.’

‘That’s right,’ Jesus said. 44 Then he turned to the woman and said to Simon, ‘Look at this woman kneeling here. When I entered your home, you didn’t offer me water to wash the dust from my feet, but she has washed them with her tears and wiped them with her hair. 45 You didn’t greet me with a kiss, but from the time I first came in, she has not stopped kissing my feet. 46 You neglected the courtesy of olive oil to anoint my head, but she has anointed my feet with rare perfume.

47 ‘I tell you, her sins—and they are many—have been forgiven, so she has shown me much love. But a person who is forgiven little shows only little love.” 48 Then Jesus said to the woman, ‘Your sins are forgiven.’

49 The men at the table said among themselves, ‘Who is this man, that he goes around forgiving sins?’

50 And Jesus said to the woman, ‘Your faith has saved you; go in peace.’’

That is the story I want us to focus on. Reread it if you need to, so that it stays fresh in your mind.
Now, there are a few things we need to look over and understand first. Firstly, we need to understand the role of Pharisees. See, Pharisees were the spiritual leaders in the Jewish community. They stemmed from the mighty warriors, called Hasidim, who fought with Judah Maccabee against the Seleucid Greek authorities that had outlawed the study of the Torah. Once the overthrow was complete, the Hasidim split into two groups: the Zealots, who continued fighting paganism with violence, and the Pharisees, who believed the foreign oppression was due to Israel’s lack of faith and obedience to God. Therefore, Pharisee’s devoted their lives to complete obedience to every detail of the law, and to separate themselves from all influences that would attempt to interfere with their devotion. These were godly men, whose intent was to lead Israel back to God. They were also very powerful men among the Jews since they were their spiritual leaders and teachers. As such, it wasn’t uncommon for a Pharisee to invite a very popular Rabbi into his home. It could have been done to raise this Pharisee’s popularity, to gain favor with Jesus, or simply an honest and heartfelt approach to understanding Jesus and His teachings better. However, when we look at verses 44-46, we can clearly see that this probably wasn’t the point. All the common ways of hospitality in Jewish community were ignored by the Pharisee with regards to Jesus’ stay. This shows us that the spiritual leader wasn’t focus on Jesus and His teaching necessarily. Rather, he was more focused on himself and his own selfish reasons for inviting Jesus over.

Secondly, we must look at this woman. Most likely, she was a prostitute because of the Pharisee’s extreme distaste. In the Amplified Bible, the two other suggested descriptions for what the Pharisee calls her are “social outcast,” and “devoted to sin.” During those times, most prostitutes came from the surrounding countries and Rome. They were often used in temple practices for sexual fertility. However, there were also some that simply did it for money and power. They were best known for their provocative clothing, beautifully and meticulously crafted hair, and usually had some sort of mark or piece of jewelry that denoted who they belonged to. They lacked any other abilities for work, so they sold their bodies for food and money. Most were very poor, and lived lives in the worst conditions. In the Hebrew community, they were seen as social outcasts, and were often chastised by the Pharisees. Therefore, it was a massive burden for her to simply walk into the Pharisee’s house to begin with. Well aware that she’d be openly and publicly humiliated and rebuked by the Pharisee, she decided that Jesus was more important. Also, this woman had brought an alabaster of very expensive oils with her, which probably cost a large portion of money that she’d normally use on food and other such necessities. Nevertheless, she sacrificed a lot in order to provide Jesus with the best. Not only did she use expensive oil, use her expensive hair to wipe his feet, but she also kissed them. In the Arabic world, back then, the feet were considered one of the dirtiest places on the body. Since everyone back then wore sandals, the feet were exposed to everything. In some places, it was a sign of great disrespect to show the bottoms of your feet. Yet, this woman kissed them! The Amplified even suggests that she kissed them “affectionately.”

When I read this story, prior to understanding everything surrounding it, I was brought to tears. I identified with this woman so well. Although I’m sure she led a life far more sinful than I have (my life isn’t that much better by comparison), I could understand her great passion to, despite everything, cling to Jesus and worship Him. She was a woman whose life was full of daily sexual sin. Though it fed and clothed her, I know it was eating her up inside. I’m sure, especially after hearing Jesus’ message in her town, she realized the rot that had grown inside of her. She yearned, beyond anything else, for the intimacy that she could not satisfy with any of her sexual encounters. No matter how many times she filled herself up with sexual pleasure, she only felt worse and worse. It was a vicious cycle of never-ending emptiness. This passion and need for the intimacy that Jesus described, pushed her forward into the Pharisee’s house. As soon as she saw Jesus, she was overcome with a mighty grief for her sins, but a more powerful love for her Messiah. The emotions that had swelled up inside while walking to the Pharisee’s house, burst out at that moment. She was overcome with waves of emotion, and fell on her knees in reverence. Tears gushed forth like rivers from eyes, only to end up on the One-she-came-to-worship’s feet. This just made her cry even harder, as she used her hair to wipe them clean. With hands shaking from her uncontrollable sobs, she doused Jesus’ feet, and began rubbing the oil in. She could feel his smooth feet. These were the feet of the man who had given her hope. These were the feet of her Savior. With that thought, she began placed affectionate kisses on his feet, reverently thanking Him between sobs. This is woman of faith. The same one who, despite a past of lust, perversion, and sin, placed all she had at Jesus’ feet. Beyond anyone else, she was unworthy. Yet, she knew this, and still came. This is what I identified with. I know I am unworthy. However, Jesus still wants me to come and lay everything at his feet, kissing him affectionately.

This is not why I was brought to tears, however. While reading this, I thought to myself I wonder how Jesus felt during this. As I read it again, emotions started coming out of nowhere, being placed into my head and my heart. I felt the utmost compassion and love for this woman. I knew her past and all the horrible, disgusting things she’d done, and yet I still loved her. In fact, I had such strong feelings of love, devotion, and compassion for this woman that I was moved to tears…in the middle of the bathroom. I’ve never had such strong feelings for anyone. As I sat there, face in my hands with tears pooling, I realized that the Holy Spirit was placing these feelings on my heart, so that I could experience just a sliver of what Jesus did at that time. If this is how much Jesus loves us (although I’m sure it’s far more), despite our disgustingly sinful pasts, then how are we to question Him? I would imagine that anyone who loved me that much would go to the greatest length possible to ensure that I was never under the bondage of sin.