My pride and my fear of hating myself causes me to feel apathetic to my past sins. I was depressed once and it took a lot to dig myself out of it so now it feels almost impossible to let myself feel guilt and shame even when I try to open up.
And while I'm on the subject of pride. Sometimes it's hard for me not to be jealous of God and Jesus. I mean everything is centered around God. I definitely don't need everything to be centered around me but I would like to feel a little more important than I feel right now. It will never be enough to turn away from God but as of right now I don't like that I feel inadequate and undeserving. And I'm having trouble accepting that no matter what there is nothing I can do to ever be deserving of anything more than hellfire. And just as well it's pretty hard not to be jealous of Jesus for deserving salvation.
In any case this is all a problem with my emotions. Mentally I am controlled and I don't feel angry or jealous at all. Frankly I am just irritated and maybe a little scared that I have these emotional problems interfering with my salvation and love for God.
I pray someone can help me.
As a young boy I suffered through a lot of bullying and neglect and criticism.
It is not that my own pain is more important than the pain of others though. I always apply a person's situation to myself. And if I don't think it would be a problem for me, then I do not feel compassion for them even if they are crying. In this way I do not see my desensitization as a byproduct of weakness, but too much strength.
For example, I am unsympathetic when my girlfriend breaks her phone or when she fights with her mom especially because she is the one usually in the wrong, because these things I would be able to deal with without even blinking. But when she tells me about her past, like when she was bullied and excluded in grade school or the loneliness she faced growing up without friends, I can sympathize a little and I always try to help even when she pushes me away out of her fear of attachment that these experiences have created.
And yet I cannot help but feel like a lot of the problems people complain about are way more trivial than they make it seem. Which makes me angry because it makes them seem weak and attention seeking.
I don't know why I don't let myself feel joy though. Perhaps I feel like they are more trivial than they are as well.
You just processed your childhood differently. Some people get criticized and become workaholics, neglecting family and everyone, just to prove to their criticizers how good they really are. Some withdraw into their own heads to escape what was too painful for them to bear in reality. Some lash out at others without even realizing where their anger stems from. Some get into one bad relationship after another looking for the love they never got as a child. You became indifferent.
Everyone processes differently so the world doesn't get too boring I guess. ;-) Your girlfriend developed fear from her experiences. It doesn't mean she's seeking attention purposely. But this is something deeply rooted. We learn best during our childhood years. And if we learn the wrong things, they can be extremely hard to break.
Thank you. Thank you everyone for hearing what I have to say and for caring. It is nice to feel understood. Anyways I will take into consideration all the advice you all have given me. I'm already convinced I am saved. Thank you all again.