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I need an answer
My husband of 13 years is addicted to drugs. For the past 6 months, he has begun to stay gone all night at least 2 nights every week. He lies about where he is going, tries to hide his whereabouts, and what he is doing. He is texting and calling other females, when questioned, he just says it is business. He either buys from or sells drugs to these women. He says that there is nothing else going on. He told me to not worry at some point he will be home and I shouldn't sit up all night worrying about what he is doing and where he is. I love him, we have a family, have 3 children at home. He leaves the children home alone while I am at work, they are old enough now to be alone, they are ages 15, 13, and 10, but he spends no time with them. I do not want to end my marriage,I don't want my children to have a broken family. They know that something is wrong, but they aren't sure what it is. I have prayed for him to be healed from his addiction. But he does not want healing. He blames himself for his brothers death and claims that using drugs is the only way that he can get through the day. I have tried to tell him that I feel so lonely, I am always alone. He is gone all day and most of every night and all night at least 2 days a week. I eat alone, spend my time alone and most of the time sleep alone. He seems to think that my request of his changing his behavior is unreasonable and calls it mood swings because I get upset. How can I find peace and forgiveness and what should I do?
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Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Denise on
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Thank you Nancy! When you said that I love him and that it is sometimes like with a child, another thought of something he said to me crossed my mind. He accused me of acting like his mother, trying to control him, and trying to get him to do what is right, when he claims he is doing nothing wrong. I do not want to punish him, although at times, it seems as if he is punishing me. I try to tell him that I am lonely, and that I want to spend time with him. When he is spending time with me, he will make comments, well here I am right here where you want me to be, tied to your apron strings. Or he will say, I am here in the house now, are you happy. I always make a point of telling him how happy I am that he is here, but it is like it is a problem for him to do what I ask, and he has to point it out that he is doing it. Thank you for being here for me, sometimes, most of the time, I feel so alone. God Bless You!
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Permalink Reply by David Velasquez on
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You are welcome beloved Denise,
Is my opinion that you have chosen wisely. Unfortunately the Police department may not be able to do anything about his condition until they find drugs on him or soliciting. I will get back to you soon about your request. ok sis. Blessings i am praying for you and your love ones.
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I have been at home alone now for about two hours. It is in the middle of the afternoon, and although common sense tells me that my husband's actions are drug related. I still can not keep from having terrifying thoughts that he is cheating on me and that makes me so nervous. I can't keep my mind off of that. I have tried to do several things to keep from thinking about where he is and what he is doing, and my mind just keeps going back to that thought, What if he is cheating on me? And I get this sickening feeling in my stomach as if I could throw up and I am so scared. I know that it is in the middle of the afternoon and he has a male companion with him so why won't my mind let me be at ease? He has told me several times that he is not cheating on me, and I know that his actions have got to do with drugs. He once told me that if it came to chasing drugs or women that it would be drugs every time. But it is like the lesser of two evils to know that it is drugs and not women, but still I can't get my mind at ease. I have prayed for God to release me from this fright. Please pray for me too! And thank you everyone for praying for the both of us and our marriage. Please do not forget to pray for my husband to be released from his addictions and have God work his will into his life and allow him to experience God in his life like no other drug could ever make him feel.
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Oh Thank you so much Bev!!! I know that I must fill my mind with positive things, I have tried reading, can't keep my mind on what I read, I have tried sewing, can't concentrate. I have found more comfort in this website than anything else that I have tried. When it really gets bad, I start singing, How Great Thou Art, and it seems to help. My dad was a wonderful gospel singer. Sometimes late at night, it is really hard, the children are sleeping, the house is quiet, and he is gone. I can't sleep. Its just hard. He tells me all the time that he isn't cheating, of course he lies to me about other things, so can I believe him> He really hasn't changed towards me intimately, but does that mean anything? I guess you see how my mind works, but if you have been through this you know. Thank you so much for your encouragement and prayers!! God Bless You, all of you that has encouraged me, prayed for me, and just been a much needed friend in all of this. Thank you@
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It is Friday night, and I have been nervous all day. I hate to see the weekend roll around for fear that my husband will be gone all night again. He has been home at night this past week, leaving only a few hours at a time, but not all night. And I am so grateful!!! He has still been using drugs, and he told me that he wasn't going to stop. But I have faith in my prayers and all of yours! I am asking that you all pray for us again, I am asking that God will work in his life and that he will experience God more than and better than any drug has ever felt to him. I am asking that God will restore our marriage and our faithfulness and love and that this horrible time that we have been having will pass, and my heart will not be broken any more. I am asking that God will make my husband's body sick of the drugs, that his addictions be healed and that his withdrawals be a minimum so that he will be able to overcome easily. I am asking for peace so that my fears will be gone from worrying about my marriage being torn apart, and my family being destroyed, and I am asking that you all pray for me and him and my children again. Thank you all for being a friend to me and for all of your prayers!
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Permalink Reply by Ms. Butterfly on
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denise im walking through your shoes, if you noticed i said through, god is good, he will give you a peace of mind, if you ask him, as for your husband there is nothing you can do physically, you have to pray that god deliver him from his addiction, and wait patiently as god show you his works, remember god time is not ours, so its not going to happen when you want it too. but you have to believe the love god has for us,we are his children and he will give us anything we ask for if we just ask. im a witness god is good, if you knew what ive been through with my husband addiction but im still standing. i was threatning a stroke,so worried about my husbands were abouts, moved to another state with no family, the stuff i tried to do to help my husband, when all i had to do was ask god for a peace of mind and guidance. god still work miracles im a witness. instead of worrying, start praying. im here if u need to talk, love u with jesus's love.
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AMEN sister Trebia.
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Thank you Trebia. I am so sorry that you are going through this too. It is such a painful situation. My fears of him being gone all night was true. He left around midnight and now it is 4:30 in the morning and he still isn't here. I have to go to work in an hour and he is gone. I am so good to him, I can't understand why he wants to hurt me so. I have prayed all night, been awake most of the night. I know I suffer alone, he surely isn't suffering while out having fun or whatever he is having. Its just hard. I want to do the right things, I want my marriage to work, and my family to stay together,, but it sure doesn't seem like he does, although he says he does. He says he loves me, but yet he keeps doing this, week after week after week. Thank you, please continue to pray for me. I will you also.
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Beloved,
He is addicted, he may enjoy the high for minutes or hours, but the rest of it, is a dangerous pursuit of what enslaves him.
A drug user is not out to hurt his loves ones and in his addiction he doesn't even understand why others are so upset, when in his mind, if he is hurting anyone, is his own body. But an addict knows he is hurting his love ones simply by killing himself slowly, yet he is powerless to stop himself. Especially if he is among those who enjoy the high and the adrenalin of the chase of the drug.
Keep praying and believing Denise.
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Thank you again David, I wish that I could understand all of this. Drugs was something that never appealed to me, and I don't understand how they can be more important than your wife and your children. He was gone all night, he says that being gone for 6 hours or so is not all night, but to me if you are gone from midnight till 6 in the morning, that is all night. He was with another girl, he said that she went to get the drugs and her truck broke down, and he had to go pull her truck home, it was innocent. He said that I am wrong to accuse him and to say that he is up to no good when it is harmless. He admits to using drugs and says that I am trying to change him. That I am never satisfied, that his friends that happen to be female, think he is honorable and that someday I will see what kind of mistakes I have made by accusing him of doing wrong. He says that they are only drug buddies, and I guess that he expects me to say thats acceptable. We had a long discussion, he tried to get angry a few times, but I never raised my voice, just spoke my side, which I know will never do any good with him. He doesn't want to quit. I will keep praying. I watched a segment of Joel Olsteen right after our discussion. I know that there is a discussion about him on here, but he said that if you were trying to change someone from their destructive behavior, that we weren't God. That he handles it in his own time, in his own way. And if that is our dream, not to give up, but to turn it all over to God, because he is the one that gives us the hopes and dreams in the first place. That touched my heart, and gave me a little encouragement to keep praying, sometimes it seems so useless, especially when I see that he isn't changing, nor does he want to. I long for a normal life. He says that I will never get satisfied, I am always trying to change things, trying to change my hair, my house, my car. He makes me wonder if it is wrong to want pretty things. Sometimes I feel like I am all alone in this world, that the whole world is different from me. That is why I am so thankful for this website, to know that there are others out there who think like me, and not like the ways of the world. It is so hard. But I am so appreciate of you and the others that have prayed for me, and written words of encouragement! Everyday, I come home and look to see if you have written. I hope that things are well with your dad. I am thinking about you both and praying for you both. Please keep me posted as to how things are going. God Bless and keep you my friend.
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The dog died. I know you are thinking what? Where does the dog fit into this mess? Well, my husband had a registered beagle who he loved dearly. She had been sick for about a month, and with his addictions, and everything going on, he was to busy to do anything about. Bottom line, he neglected her. Well after staying gone all night Friday night, and coming home to another argument with me about being gone, doing drugs, being with other women, blah blah blah, the same old story every week, he sat up most of Saturday night arguing with me, he got up Sunday morning to find that his dog had died during the night. He blamed me, for arguing with him about his actions, that he couldn't properly see to her the night before, and then it went from that, to God took his brother from him, and now God took his dog from him. He feels that God is punishing him, that God is taking all that he loves from him, and he is so depressed, and talking about suicide. I have tried to talk to him, I have asked him to get counseling, he says it won't help. He says that a part of him died when his brother did, and now another part of him has died with the dog, and that what will God take from him next, me and the kids. He said that he can't stand to live through that, and he just wants to end it all now before he has to hurt again. I am not wise enough to know how to talk to him and I wish that someone would help me, tell me what to say to him, and how to convince him that God is not against him. Please, please continue to pray for us!!!
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I do not want to make the mistake of assuring that your husband is lying about the pain of losing his brother being what catapulted him into drug use. He may have very well run to drugs to cope with the pain, but it is not likely.
Think back sister. Where there sings of him using before he lost his brother?
I am sure of one thing though sis. Now that he is addicted, he will capitalize on every situation like this one (the dog dying) to make you feel horrible, so you simply do not get in his case about the drug use.
He was not caring for the dog, so he cared more about the drug and this incidents give him the perfect excuse to shift the blame to you and to God and have you in a state of panic for his life, to where you just don't confront him about his use. Is an ideal time to do what he wants- to use drugs?
Now sis- I have no doubt that what I have written above has a certain percentage of truth in his life, but what percentage that is, I do not know.
So he may very well be truly upset and truly blaming God and wishing his life was over. There is simply no way to discerned that through e-mails. But You know Him sis. Don't let the moment cloud your mind. Asked God to give you the wisdom and strength to face the situation head on, with love and compassion, but don't fall for the games an addict plays, if they are indeed games. You know him, this is your husband we are talking about, so use that knowledge to discerned if he is just using this to run free or does he really seem to be genually hurt etc..
The hard thing about it, is that is a little of both most likely. If you think he would never (your hubby) use such a situation as an excuse to shift the guilt to you, well sis, you are wrong then. An addict will use everything to his advantage, just to continue to use. Drugs are one of Satan’s most excellent tricks and now these days, the demonic activity in those circles is insane.
Go to church beloved, I know you have mentioned that you are from a small town, do not let embarrassment or anything like that keep you from the church, the fellowship of the saints.
We love you and are here for you but is not the same. Do not let this consume you and your kids. RUN TO JESUS. If there are folks in church that instead of helping will criticise you, ignore that beloved, you cannot afford not going. Go to worship your God. The one you are asking for help.
We continue to pray for you sis.
With Christ's love, your bro.
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