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My name is Chris...

I've been a Christian for a long time, albeit not a very good one. I've backslid quite a bit.

I feel like I'm the worst person in the world most of the time. I'm realizing that feeling that way is just me being self absorbed.

I've done quite a bit of scripture reading in the past, so at least I have that base to fall back on.

Timothy 1:15 King James Version (KJV)
15 This is a faithful saying, and worthy of all acceptation, that Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners; of whom I am chief.

Romans 7:17
“Now then it is no more I that do it, but sin that dwelleth in me.”

I have been living very contrary to God. My sins are very private; and probably the most dangerous kind to me because I'm an introvert, and I have a tendency to isolate myself and become depressed. Which means I am cut off from all other Christians and alone with satan. I have used drugs, alcohol to escape reality... and when I am under the influence of stimulants I have developed a dangerous and soul killing addiction to pornography.
I do not engage in actual physical sexual activities with others while doing this... but that doesn't make it any less dangerous. The porn industry is demonic.

I've rededicated my life to Jesus; and have begun here to reach out and confess and be with other Christians.

My addictions are strange. I go long periods abstaining from my vices. I can go months without drinking... months without drugs; and while in a sober state of mind, I'm a completely different person. I'm not interested in porn... in fact it makes me wretch to think about it.

Like I said, I do it to escape. I get very depressed sometimes. Then the isolation starts. It's a cyclic thing that happens over and over.

I've had some bad/failed relationships over the last years... one abusive one. If any of you think a woman cant be abusive... well I wouldn't believe it either if I hadn't lived it.
I think I may have some PTSD symptoms.. it scared off my last girlfriend, who was actually a good girl. I wanted to marry her. When that ended, it set off my last binge of backsliding, which I am emerging from now.

I don't want to seem like I'm whining. I just needed to confess and tell my story.


I would appreciate your prayers.


Chris

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 Hey Chris,

 Thanks for taking the time to share man. The good thing is that you want to change, that shows your heart is in a good place.

A lot of addictions stem from a low self-esteem, people don’t see the value of their lives or the lives of others and the devil will come with the guilt (I’m not forgiven), condemnation (I’m worthy of judgement) and finally the shame (It’s who I am).

You are worth the blood of Jesus Christ and the good fight of faith is never forgetting the truth of who you are and who you have become because of Christ, no matter what you are going through or how you are feeling.

If you can, please watch this video from Pastor Dan Mohler, will help you on the right path and teach you how to submit to God and be better equipped to resist the devil. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3OJyl5SAd-E

There’s lots of Dan MP3’s to download below, I recommend to do the Harvest Chapel Kingdom Living School 2011 to start.

 https://www.nove-stvoreni.cz/downloads-dan-mohler

Be Blessed!

Dave

Hi Dave!

Nice to meet you and thank you for taking the time to write and say hello and give words of encouragement.

Yes, I do want to change.
I have no excuse to continue in the way I've been living. I understand exactly what the devil is trying to do. The end result is actually acting out perverse things... That's the devil's end goal. It would be much, much harder to recover from that. That, I will not do this. It is time to stand and fight.
The wages of sin is death; when it is full grown.

And you know what? The worse thing is that Satan is accomplishing something else that is horrible. He is keeping me so wrapped up in myself and this struggle that I am completely ineffective as a Christian. I have all these talents I could contribute to the body of Christ and to helping others...

Chris
Can we go back and edit posts? I see a few mistakes I made.

No problem Chris. You have 15 mins after posting to edit, otherwise just delete and re-post if it's bugging you.  As Brent said, surrender is so important and we all need to build an intimate relationship with the Lord, one on one time with Him alone in our bedrooms.

That's how we start renewing our minds and that's why listening to Dan will help. He teaches how to really pray etc. I listen at work, 5 to 6 hours a day and it's helped me so many times, I can't even begin to tell you.

The truth is that you are worth the blood of Jesus Christ and He loves you Chris. This must become bigger than how you feel, what you are involved in or what you are producing. When you wake up to this Truth, it will start to become your reality!

God bless you, Dave

Glad to meet you Chris, I am new to the site myself. Reading your post several things come to mind, one of those is in a song that I hear on Christian radio often... "God of all my days" by casting crowns, maybe you have heard it? One particular line of that song speaks of "The God who relentlessly pursues", brings tears to my eyes every time I hear it, if He had not relentlessly pursued me (and still does) I would be lost in my sin and without hope. I see that your God and mine is relentlessly pursuing you as well, and that you are responding to that pursuit, that in itself is very encouraging! The enemy, as we know, is focused on trying to cause pain to God by killing, stealing and destroying the lives of those created in His image... mankind., whom He loves. Satan's #1 strategy is to lie and to twist the Truth of God's Word. Satan has a great ally in his quest and that is the heart of man, "The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked; Who can know it? Jeremiah 17:9 and in another place “None is righteous, no, not one; no one understands; no one seeks for God. All have turned aside; together they have become worthless; no one does good, not even one.” Romans 3:10-12, and I could name several others along the same lines. The point is that; you are being lied to, you see Satan would have us believe that we have gone too far or that somehow our sin is insurmountable, or maybe even unique to the human experience, that we have grieved that Holy Spirit and that God is done with us. The mere fact that you have come to this site and reached out, that you even care about your spiritual condition is the work of the Holy Spirit and God is not by any means done with you! Our enemy would also have us believe that the road back to God is hard and that we probably can't endure it and won't be successful. I think of the verse Revelation 3:20 "Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with that person, and they with me"... He says Just open the door! I believe that Jesus tells the story of the prodigal son (Luke 15:11-32) because we are all prodigals whom the Father loves.
I have found that another way Satan distracts us from God is to cause us to focus on him, we are not to be unaware of his schemes (2 Corinthians 2:11), but we are not to give him any more attention than is absolutely necessary... James 4:7 "Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you". So brother, I would encourage you to "...set your face like flint...", Isaiah 50:7 and repent (do an 180 degree turn from your destructive path) of your sins and fully put your confidence, trust and Entire Being in the One who is greater that he that is in the world, 1 John 4:4, and has overcome the world John 16:25-33. The truth is that you can't do it on your own, and as long as you keep trying you will keep falling, the victory is in surrender!

I got this message this morning, and I thought it would bless you. This is from Worthy News Brief 6/8/18 and the Bible.

1 Corinthians 1:26-29 For you see your calling, brethren, that not many wise according to the flesh, not many mighty, not many noble, are called. But God has chosen the foolish things of the world to put to shame the wise, and God has chosen the weak things of the world to put to shame the things which are mighty; and the base things of the world and the things which are despised God has chosen, and the things which are not, to bring to nothing the things that are, that no flesh should glory in His presence.

If He was a man of the world, Yeshua (Jesus) would have chosen the elite of His day to accomplish His mission -- however He used simple fishermen. These men were considered uneducated, lacking "social status", wealth or worldly distinction of any kind -- yet these "simple" men were the ones the Lord selected to build the Kingdom of God.

Consider what Peter said...When Simon Peter realized what had happened, he fell to his knees before Jesus and said, "Oh, Lord, please leave me--I'm too much of a sinner to be around you." (Luke 5:8 NLT)

What about Thomas?...Now Thomas (also known as Didymus), one of the Twelve, was not with the disciples when Jesus came. So the other disciples told him, “We have seen the Lord!” But he said to them, “Unless I see the nail marks in his hands and put my finger where the nails were, and put my hand into his side, I will not believe.” A week later his disciples were in the house again, and Thomas was with them. Though the doors were locked, Jesus came and stood among them and said, “Peace be with you!” Then he said to Thomas, “Put your finger here; see my hands. Reach out your hand and put it into my side. Stop doubting and believe.” Thomas said to him, “My Lord and my God!” Then Jesus told him, “Because you have seen me, you have believed;blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed.” (John 20:24-29 NIV)


When the children of Israel were slaves in Egypt, God didn't send an army to deliver them, He sent a single man. But a single man of God was shown to be greater than the most powerful kingdom on Earth.

Think about David and Goliath...So David triumphed over the Philistine with a sling and a stone; without a sword in his hand he struck down the Philistine and killed him. (1 Samuel 17:50 NIV)...Goliath was a strong man of war, and David was a teenager.

Throughout the Bible, we read of the Lord choosing and using the weak things of the world to confound and shame the wise and powerful. God seems to love revealing His awesome power through humble vessels, so that no flesh can glory in His presence. 

Don't allow the enemy to convince you that God cannot use you because you are "flawed", weak, or seemingly inconsequential. No, instead, remember that He uses the base, despised, nonentities of this world, ordinary, often broken, people...to do extraordinary things. Our God is not looking at your wealth, your social status or your education -- He's looking at your heart! If your heart is willing and your life is available, then He is more than able to perform miraculous work through you for His Kingdom's sake. With so much work to be done, don't allow the enemy to stifle or steal the Lord's vision for your life –- He has a plan to use you to confound the wise of this world, and to bring to naught the things that are!

God bless,

Mary

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