Why am I here?
They died,why? Why do people have to be so cruel and have others believe the only way out is suicide?
I still don't understand why I'm alive. I'm glad I'm alive because if I would have died in late 06 or sometime in 07 [that's when 8th grade was 06-07] I wouldn't have went to Heaven.
I know God is merciful. It's by His Grace I didn't take that bottle of pills that day in the living room even though I was very tempted.
I had atleast two or three different "plans". Also I was a cutter [I found out scratching is a form of cutting]. I acted upon one of those plans atleast once. I honestly don't remember how many times I tried "that" plan. Thankfully when I did try the bus didn't come to a quick stop like I wanted...Counting just that stuff I don't understand why I'm alive.
The song on the bus mentioned "suicidal, suicidal..." I thought it said,thanks to my messed up hearing,"So excidal,so excidal". If God would have let me be able to hear words correctly [I have trouble and mishear words a lot especially in songs] I honestly don't think I'd be here right now. That's what would have driven me to be "encouraged" for less of a better word to comitt suicide.
It's by the Grace of God the bullying stopped just enough when I needed it to and no later could it have stopped. I was still suicidal but it wasn't on my mind as much because I had hope that even if Mon. I get bullied maybe I won't on Tues.
I'd just love to know why I'm still here...what is my purpose?
Also,my mom was given the choice to abort me [ak.a "Other options" and she "Didn't have to go through with it" . She refused and continued on with the pregnancy even though she was sick. She had the "perfect" opportunity. Not much money,I would be born out of wedlock and she was sick. Also I was an "unexpected" pregnancy.
Why am I still here? So many people have been aborted and so many have been bullied to the point of committing suicide. It's by God's Grace I'm still here...but why?
I need to get to bed soon. I just really needed that off of my chest...