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Why am I here?

They died,why? Why do people have to be so cruel and have others believe the only way out is suicide?


I still don't understand why I'm alive. I'm glad I'm alive because if I would have died in late 06 or sometime in 07 [that's when 8th grade was 06-07] I wouldn't have went to Heaven.


I know God is merciful. It's by His Grace I didn't take that bottle of pills that day in the living room even though I was very tempted.


I had atleast two or three different "plans". Also I was a cutter [I found out scratching is a form of cutting]. I acted upon one of those plans atleast once. I honestly don't remember how many times I tried "that" plan. Thankfully when I did try the bus didn't come to a quick stop like I wanted...Counting just that stuff I don't understand why I'm alive.


The song on the bus mentioned "suicidal, suicidal..." I thought it said,thanks to my messed up hearing,"So excidal,so excidal". If God would have let me be able to hear words correctly [I have trouble and mishear words a lot especially in songs] I honestly don't think I'd be here right now. That's what would have driven me to be "encouraged" for less of a better word to comitt suicide.


It's by the Grace of God the bullying stopped just enough when I needed it to and no later could it have stopped. I was still suicidal but it wasn't on my mind as much because I had hope that even if Mon. I get bullied maybe I won't on Tues.


I'd just love to know why I'm still here...what is my purpose? 


Also,my mom was given the choice to abort me [ak.a "Other options" and she "Didn't have to go through with it" . She refused and continued on with the pregnancy even though she was sick. She had the "perfect" opportunity. Not much money,I would be born out of wedlock and she was sick. Also I was an "unexpected" pregnancy.


Why am I still here? So many people have been aborted and so many have been bullied to the point of committing suicide. It's by God's Grace I'm still here...but why?


I need to get to bed soon. I just really needed that off of my chest...

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Comment by feet breath on July 27, 2013 at 11:59am

Todd. Thank you very much for what you said. :)

Mischelle. Thank you,dear sister for those words. Reminds me of  2 Corinthians 1:4. I really do want to help others.  To know that I've been given this chance...I don't want to live life in vain but for whatever reason He let me live. I just have to find out what my purpose is. *big hugs back*


Amanda. Thank you,too for what you've said. :~) I was very hardened. In 8th grade I started to hate people. It's by God's that He has removed that hate from my heart and I'm forgiven for it. I want to be used however He sees fit. :)

"You can give others the love, care, and acceptance that you were denied."


I really hope the Lord helps me to do that. And it would be wonderful to be able to help those who not really anyone likes. Whatever His will is,may it be done in Jesus' Name.  



Comment by Todd Robert Princl on July 27, 2013 at 4:13am

Because you are a child of God and He loves you very much. I am so sorry for want happened in your past. You can rise above and be strong through your faith. Don't be afraid to reach out to people on this site in times of sadness. I usually check 2-3 times a day in case you ever need a friend. You matter very much in God's eyes!!

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