A week ago during Sunday mass, I ask God to provide to me the best for my daughter. I ask for more finances so I can give the best for my wife and daughter. I am financially stable, have a great job, and am able to provide the needs of my family but I asked for more from our Lord.
The night of the same day, my wife and I had a very heated argument which snowballed into a very difficult marital problem. During the course of our argument, I failed God and questioned Him if what is happening is the best that I am asking from Him. Rage, sorrow, misery, fear and love is fighting to take over me. I felt the hours quickly turned into minutes... Minutes that I have my wife beside me... She left me in the night telling me she wants time away from me. She asked me for our daughter to go with her which I strongly disagree. Again it started a whole new argument... a fight... fight for our daughter which my wife gave up and left in a hurry.
I was so devastated and enraged with what happened. My worst fear had happened! See, I love my wife so much and I love my daughter so much but by giving them all of me, I failed to see that I am changing... Changing as a very possessive and selfish person. Rage filled my emotion and fear... fear of her going to the authorities to get my daughter. Because of that fear, I took my baby daughter away from the house as we stayed in a hotel that night and the day after.
With a heavy heart I called my wife. Rage still filled my emotion."How can she leave us that easily," I told myself and that rage turned me against my wife. We still argued the next day however it was not constructive anymore. I failed God as I allowed rage to reign on me. I had uttered bitter words to my wife even to the point that I am including her parents to the equation. Worse I even told her that it's better for us to separate permanently and she will never she our daughter again. I became like a monster! I failed to see that my wife just wanted a time alone so we can both have peace of mind and cool our heads.
The next day, I became more rational. I had the whole day asking forgiveness to my wife and asking her to return to us. Again, I failed to see what God wants me to do. I beg my wife to come back to us to start over again but I was not doing anything to reach out to her by going to her personally. She disagreed and ask me to get our daughter to stay with her. Again fearing both of the most important women of my life will leave me, I disagreed and instead I reiterated to my wife to come back to us so we can both take care of our daughter. This lasted for days.
Today, it has been a week that my wife and I are separated.
Last night, I prayed with all my heart and surrendered everything to God. I asked Jesus to carry me through as I cannot bear the problems anymore and I don't know what to do anylonger. I casted all my worries, fears, rage, sadness, misery, sorrow, and all the negativity that is overflowing in me to Jesus. As I finished my deep talk to Jesus, He let me fall to sleep. Every 2 hours during the night, I kept waking up. The enemy is still fighting to take over me. Each time I wake up, I am feeling sad and worried however I made a choice to walk with Jesus. Each time I got awake, I go again into deep prayer and talking to God to bestow upon me His divine guidance and wash all my worries and negativities away by His Holy Spirit. I still vividly remember upon praying I saw that Jesus' hands is on my head. Still the enemy kept fighting to win me back as I remember an instance where I prayed to Jesus, as I am seeing His face the enemy is making it a blur and instead of Jesus' face the enemy is replacing it with its face. I was so afraid of what is happening but I kept strong with my renewed faith in Jesus and strongly uttered in my thoughts the words that I rebuke Satan and all his works. I rebuke Satan in destroying my family and filling me up again with negativity. I rebuke Satan in Jesus' Mighty Name! After those words, I saw Jesus and fell asleep again. Thank you Lord Jesus for helping me get through the night!
I am so thankful that God love me so much. Today, as soon as I woke up at 4:00 AM, I decided and was determined to go to my wife together with my daughter so they can be together. I asked God if my decision and action now is of His blessing. I asked God for his answer as I looked for random Bible verse. Here's what I got as answer -- "My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you" John 15:12 -- A miracle of God telling me to spread my love to my wife. At 7:00 AM with my daughter and my mother, we went to the house of my wife's parents and I had a short talk with her. I left our daughter in her care now. I told her of my intentions to see our daughter everyday after work, she agreed. I asked her to come with me this Saturday for the appointment of our daughter with her pediatrician, she agreed. I asked her for Sunday mass, she neither agree nor disagree. She told me we need to talk for that. I accept her decision. In the midst of it all, I found God telling me to be patient and give all trust in Him as He knows better.
As I am writing this blog, I went back home but without a heavy heart. Instead of giving the best that I asked for my daughter, He gave me a very difficult trial. With an open mind now, I know this trial is the best for ME. I know now that I need to change me, my thoughts, and my way of life. As I change to a better Christian, I realized God is giving the best for our daughter.
As a renewed servant of our Lord Jesus Christ, I am now offering my whole life to Him, surrendering everything to Him as I know and trust that He will not fail me as I fail Him. I have renewed my love to God and to Jesus Christ.
I hope as you read along this blog you'll find hope. Entrust to God everything, your dreams, your worries, your problems and your entire life. He knows better and will carry you through the storm. For He love all of His children and as a loving father, He will not fail you.
May you find peace with our Lord and may God bless you!