IN counseling the preacher asked me a very pointed question; " how do you want people to remember you at your funeral?" " what would they say about how you lived your life?"
These were two questions that i had heard before, but never had addressed.
low point in my life. retired, separated, not sure which way to go. (funny thing just happened, as i was thinking about what i was going to say after go; my finger hit the "d" button. yes the way to go is GOD.
life has been good i thought, but had a anger problem from my youth, and i just spread it around to much and now i am trying to be better. but been bad for so long nobody cares.
the new church that i am attending now -pastor, who is my counselor, said he had noticed some change in me in the past two years he has been associated with me. that helped a lot. at least somebody did notice some change in my behavior made me feel a little better. even tho they have not seem one of my outburst. but in the same vain, they have not given a reason to. especially when knowing a church is a hospital for hurting people. and know there are clicks, people who have been there longer than you have and have their way of doing things.
so back to the original question. i have thought about and prayed about it but nothing is coming out of my brain yet. so in effect i took to writing this blog to try and figure it out. maybe just might find an answer before i push up the grass.
it seems like life just seems to on around you. and people act like they care but really do not. it seems like i cannot ever do anything right no matter how i try. one person in realty all ways has an answer for anything i say and it all ways benefits her way of thinking. no matter how i thought i was doing right she all ways plays it different. it is sad to think for 20 years she has been trying to change me but has not done so yet. i cannot seem to measure up to what she wants. if i say black she says white type a thing.
yes i did create the problem in the past. i was (i hope now) a very vocal person who a drop of a hat could go off. but with drugs and counseling have made a lot of progress.( 65 year old problems are hard to get rid of especially in the beginning i thought i did not have a problem) big problem is, i think, is she still wants the other me and will go to some lengths sometimes to goad me into going off. then she is happy and calls all her friends and says well he did it again. in my thoughts it takes two to solve some problems. in my case i know i have a problem (because i have stated it here for the world to know and am working on it each day) but she does not have a problem and she will tell you so. no matter how i state how i feel, she will turn it around and make it seem like totally my fault.
bad part about it is when this happens i get somewhat depressed and think bad thoughts. and this is why i like this site. i can type my feelings as tho i am talking to GOD and feel better. and when you guys comment it helps bring me up also knowing i am not here along. and not going or thinking about those bad web sites.
it is like drinking, once you have a taste for it, it draws you back when you are in a down mood. so now when i am down, i go to this web site and read about other persons who are having problems like me. and then i do not feel like a lone wolf.
in reality tho, both drinking and bad sites really do nothing for you. they leave you wondering why you are their in the first place. no real value is gotten or gained. either a bad hangover or empty feelings are all you have to show.