Getting back in touch with God having him guide my steps
My story with God
I come form a religious family raised Baptist,but considered myself a Catholic due to me going to Catholic Schools my entire life so that's how identified. In my 20s I had many questions about God,but never got the answers I was seeking,I've been sick with a disease from the age of 5 till this very day. In 1999 I was extremely I'll and I had a neighbor who asked came to me and said God put me on her heart to pray with me I agreed.At this point in my life I was living for me I didn't bother God & he didn't bother me was my mindset. My neighbor came over I couldn't stand I was so ill we took hands and she began to pray & speak in tongues I'd never witnessed anything like that and while she was speaking she started sharing things with me that no one knew but me I was afraid of her after that. Fast forward she asked me to go to Bible study with her I declined then one day she came to my door and said let's go again I declined and she wouldn't let up so I went and was pissed on the way to church she said I know you are upset but God wants you there,I wasn't trying to hear it at that time we got to church I sat all the way in the back as the pastor prayed he walked down the aisle and stopped in front of my took my hand and asked for everyone to gather around me and pray I looked at my neighbor with a looked that could kill I was so angry as I thought she said something to the pastor.Fast forward I started going to Bible study regularly as this was the only pastor I've ever heard who preached so well that when he was done you had a full understanding of what the topic was I did that for two yrs and I eventually joined the church and was an active member. During this time I was very ill and was told that the devil wants me dead because of my life's testimony would turn those who he had strongholds over would change their lives based on my story. I was told that he would be relentless in coming after me and would need his demons after me on Christmas Eve it happen I was told how to cast it out but to this day I can't remember what I said to get rid of it it worked by new years Eve I was gravely ill and started to give up I was tired and had to be hospitalized the Doctors told my mom that it didn't look good and I heard her cry saying no no no not again as I had two brothers who died nine months apart from cancer neither made it to 40 I'm the last son all three of us had diseases whereas my sister's we're all healthy . At that point I started to fight again
because I could do this to my mother. I continue to pray and go to church two years later my mother died of cancer I never felt more hurt or pain as I did with her loss. I asked God why? I was so lost but I continued to go to church when my pastor died on his way to church for Bible study. Since then I've been in limbo. To the outside world I look like someone who has it all together and not a care in the world.ive been told that I am envied people aspire to be like me based on my outside appearance, but no one would know how lonely and how broken I feel. I keep everything to myself and I've been this way all my life. I feel so empty like a soul less vessel. I desire change but don't know how my prayer life has been lacking I get asked God to lead me show me help me all while praising him and I'm still lost.All I want to do is sleep so I don't think so much my outward appearance is always immaculate but my inside is broken I want to fix it I want to be whole. I know God has saved me from myself at times and for that I'm truly grateful but I know there more but how do I get there? Im sometimes teased due to my birthday it's 666 I was born at 3:33 am I know no one means any harm and I praise God not Satan ppl joke it can get annoying at times. If anyone reading this can share some insight that would help me understand things put me back on track as I still want to give my testimony and win over all those who can identify with me back to God.
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It's hard to know what to tell someone who is going thru the valley. You can give them Bible verses of encouragement, verses telling them God is their strength & verses that He hasn't left you & will sustain you. But, while you're in that valley, those verses might as well be paragraphs from Tom Sawyer. You pray & the words seem like hot air. You read the Word & it doesn't get past your eyes into your heart. So, what I'm going to say to you is I'm praying for you. That won't make you feel any better either but maybe that 1 extra prayer will crack that wall that has been built up between you & the Lord.
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