AllAboutGOD.NET - Growing Relationships with Jesus and Others
Confused...
I was on here a while ago. I don't know what to think or do. Is God real? Is Jesus real? What about all the scientific evidence that can prove "miracles" in the bible where nature's work? What about the logic in evolution? Or the the bible was changed, altered, etc...through out the years to suit the ruling power of the time? When I sit in church, I want to cry. I wish, I truly WISH SOOOO much I could just say "yes!!" this is it! This is GOD!!! I WISH so much I could do that. I am REEEEALLY trying. Why am I trying?
Because I have made such good friends there, and have met such amazing people. I am very aware that life does not magically become perfect bliss once you accept Jesus. I know that. To me, the Rhonda Brynes "The Secret", and Linda Goodman (though a 'new age' christian)...to me their teachings are SOO "right on" with what I have always believed, always felt and KNOWN were "right". But it is so hard. Am I just growing lazy? Am I just too busy with life to want to follow what feels right with me, and just 'go with the flow' if this church I found? Part of me says, yes. I think it would be SOOO easy to KNOW what path I am on and follow it. PLUS, I am not alone in the path of Christ. I love the friends I made there this past year. Life long friends, Diana and Jamie (27 years & 15 years) are, no longer in my life. I am so devistated and hurt by the circumstances that lead to our parting. I truly am. But they where not good friends to be so mean to me...really. And today at bible study...I mean....the friends I have made at this church would NEVER be as cruel to me as Diana and Jamie. These amazing people at church are not the "brain washed, ignorant drones" I once truly believed. The women in bible study are VERY down to earth. But they believe in Jesus...in God..?? This is just sooo messing with my mind! And everything I have believed and studied since I was a teenager. I am so confused. YES I am praying, but I actually feel a little "silly" praying to a God I so whole=heartedly believed truly did not exist...??? Was I tricked? Is it the promise of new age beliefs that make me think if I just wish hard enough I can have anything I want..why I can't "let go". I almost feel like there is a literal "block"...and that I just "can't" believe that "God" exists...my practical mind starts racing, with the biggest fact (at least to me)...the whole, "I am a vengeful God, I am an angry God....."...to me, those are negative, primitive, human emotions....no enlightened being or God should have those pathetic, hateful emotions???? I was impressed with Oprah about that! I use to NOT watch her because a pagan friend once said she was too 'christian'...but then she recommends these awesome books, like the Secret and a New Earth...and they just soooo reach me!?!
What do I do? I am sooo confused. Yet, I sit there in church and they play Amazing Grace, and I burst into tears...or if I am sitting next to my friend, I leave to go to the bathroom, because I was so firm in my "I do not believe in God" affirmation, that I am to prideful to admit I may, MAY have been wrong...but the facts??? The science??? the Logic??? I am so confused??? Do I just need to believe, because it is easier for me to give my life to "god" then to try to make my own way??? Truly it would be! I converted my sister to paganism years ago...she would think I was NUTS to say "I do believe in Jesus"....really! My husband too! I was the total "anti-christian" crusader! A preachy pagan witch! My mother gave me my first set of tarot cards when I was 10 years old! It is a part of me. Astrology is truly my "religion"...at 35 years old, a athiest husband and two pre-school aged children, suddenly I am going to believe in Jesus Christ?!?! I don't know how to deal with this?! This is all really messing with my head...the possiblity that all these years I have been so evil, so wrong. I am really lost....
So many things in just the past few years brought me to this point. So many things....I just dont know.
Because I have made such good friends there, and have met such amazing people. I am very aware that life does not magically become perfect bliss once you accept Jesus. I know that. To me, the Rhonda Brynes "The Secret", and Linda Goodman (though a 'new age' christian)...to me their teachings are SOO "right on" with what I have always believed, always felt and KNOWN were "right". But it is so hard. Am I just growing lazy? Am I just too busy with life to want to follow what feels right with me, and just 'go with the flow' if this church I found? Part of me says, yes. I think it would be SOOO easy to KNOW what path I am on and follow it. PLUS, I am not alone in the path of Christ. I love the friends I made there this past year. Life long friends, Diana and Jamie (27 years & 15 years) are, no longer in my life. I am so devistated and hurt by the circumstances that lead to our parting. I truly am. But they where not good friends to be so mean to me...really. And today at bible study...I mean....the friends I have made at this church would NEVER be as cruel to me as Diana and Jamie. These amazing people at church are not the "brain washed, ignorant drones" I once truly believed. The women in bible study are VERY down to earth. But they believe in Jesus...in God..?? This is just sooo messing with my mind! And everything I have believed and studied since I was a teenager. I am so confused. YES I am praying, but I actually feel a little "silly" praying to a God I so whole=heartedly believed truly did not exist...??? Was I tricked? Is it the promise of new age beliefs that make me think if I just wish hard enough I can have anything I want..why I can't "let go". I almost feel like there is a literal "block"...and that I just "can't" believe that "God" exists...my practical mind starts racing, with the biggest fact (at least to me)...the whole, "I am a vengeful God, I am an angry God....."...to me, those are negative, primitive, human emotions....no enlightened being or God should have those pathetic, hateful emotions???? I was impressed with Oprah about that! I use to NOT watch her because a pagan friend once said she was too 'christian'...but then she recommends these awesome books, like the Secret and a New Earth...and they just soooo reach me!?!
What do I do? I am sooo confused. Yet, I sit there in church and they play Amazing Grace, and I burst into tears...or if I am sitting next to my friend, I leave to go to the bathroom, because I was so firm in my "I do not believe in God" affirmation, that I am to prideful to admit I may, MAY have been wrong...but the facts??? The science??? the Logic??? I am so confused??? Do I just need to believe, because it is easier for me to give my life to "god" then to try to make my own way??? Truly it would be! I converted my sister to paganism years ago...she would think I was NUTS to say "I do believe in Jesus"....really! My husband too! I was the total "anti-christian" crusader! A preachy pagan witch! My mother gave me my first set of tarot cards when I was 10 years old! It is a part of me. Astrology is truly my "religion"...at 35 years old, a athiest husband and two pre-school aged children, suddenly I am going to believe in Jesus Christ?!?! I don't know how to deal with this?! This is all really messing with my head...the possiblity that all these years I have been so evil, so wrong. I am really lost....
So many things in just the past few years brought me to this point. So many things....I just dont know.
2 Comments
-
Comment by LT on July 24, 2008 at 7:13pm -
Just want you to know that I have been praying the whole time. I believe God is chasing you. I will continue to pray for you. Don't submit because it seems likely right, surrender to Him when you know He is God and that Jesus died for you. This knowledge, when achieved, will not be of your own making, but revealed to you by the Holy Spirit and you will know when that time comes beyond a shadow of any doubt.
Lord Bless,
LT
Add a Comment
You need to be a member of AllAboutGOD.Net to add comments!
© 2008 Created by AllAboutGOD.com
1 Corinthians 14:33 says that "God is not the author of confusion, but of peace". So you can be certain that confusion you are experiencing now is NOT from God. Likely, that confusion is coming from the devil which is behind New Age, Paganism, Astrology, Oprah religion and the like. The devil wants to keep us confused and distracted so we do not seek God.
Belief or Trust in God does not happen magically. We do not have faith in "faith". Rather our faith is based on objective, historical FACTS that are documented and verified. Logical reasoning, based on these facts will help you have faith.
If you have questions about evolution, science, the truth of the Bible and reconcilling these with faith in Christ, I invite you to visit http://www.AllAboutGOD.com and http://www.GotQuestions.org where there are more than 10,000 pages of resources where you can search for any question you have about Christianity. If you can't find the answer to your questions, then send me a message and I will answer it for you.
Without a doubt, God exists. According to the Bible, even the demons believe that God exists! (James 2:19). Believing in God, therefore, will not get you into heaven. Rather, it is WHAT you believe about God and His Son Jesus that will rescue you.
You said that God should not have hateful emotions? Why not? Think about it. If you love some things it requires you to hate other things. For example, If you truly love your child, you would have to hate the mentality that it is ok for someone to abuse, injure, or murder your child. If God loves people then he must hate oppression, greed, abuse, murder, etc.
The devil is waging war against you. Unwittingly, he has been given a foothold in your life through the occult, tarot cards and astrology, and is using that to throw you into confusion. If you want to get free, I recommend your visit http://www.evanwiggs.com/revival/prinpray/warfare.html and use that prayer every day to help you get free and renew you mind in Christ.
Your friend,
Greg