She said talking about your feelings may be difficult but it will help you heal.
I can’t face some of the things in my distant or recent past head on but I can use words to describe some of it and I can try to identify my feelings ... but that's all I can do.
Destruction can be seen in the aftermath of storms. I was looking at photos today and reading headlines -- a very somber stream of words saying … facing battle to rebuild … struggling to resume daily life … we will get through the days ahead … the uncertainty is the worst … it was horrifying … I lost everything.
Traumatized people seek to get back to normal or to find a new normal when their lives have taken huge shifts or when they've never known a real normal.
Leaving home after I turned 18 was a life changing event for me. I was trying to adjust.
I was suffering from PTSD. I can see it in the words of the journals that I kept during my college years … no other human being will ever understand … there is hostility towards a few for the way they’ve treated me in the past … I should love my enemies and pray for those who have used me … I feel bad about myself … I feel uncared for and unloved … make these nightmares go away … is there a light at the end of the tunnel?
The therapist I was seeing during those days gave me a diagnoses -- her subjective interpretation of my thoughts and behavior. She said it was PTSD and Dysthymia. The Greek word dysthymia means “bad state of mind.”
I prayed in my journals. One day I wrote, “Lord, today I need more than anything to feel acceptable in Your eyes. So cleanse me and forgive me and teach me and lead me.”
I was about 22 when I wrote those words. I was in church and had already received Christ as Savior and been immersed in water baptism.
I wrote, “I want to find You again in a way I’ve never experienced You before, feeling loved and accepted and peaceful in our relationship.”
I’m not a battered woman but I had an abusive childhood. In therapy at that time I was making excuses for what had happened to me. “They had a hard life” … “My parents both had difficult childhoods” …
I blamed myself.
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