Slowly, ever so slowly, I’ve been letting go of the person I used to be. Change and loss and crisis are all just kind of part of the cycle of life aren’t they? There’s hardly any way to prepare yourself for all the things that life throws at you. But maybe my everyday challenges seem small and meaningless to others. Maybe they are small and meaningless. Maybe I am.
Rebuilding trust in yourself is very difficult. Rebuilding trust in the world around you is also very difficult. Rebuilding trust in personal relationships is very difficult, too.
Sometimes I just feel so overwhelmed. I can’t sort through all of it. I can’t do everything at once. There are so many things that I must do but I can only address one issue at a time. In counseling, I’ve been told to focus on my strengths but my self worth is so low that I’m not really able to identify any positive characteristics. I feel powerlessness. I feel no matter what I do, it won’t change anything. It won’t matter. I don’t even think I have any potential. They call it tunnel vision when you don’t know what else to do.
A very kind person said that depression results when someone becomes angry at himself or herself. I’ve never before considered it that way. Instead of targeting the real cause of the anger, some people turn it inward. If that’s true, then I guess I’m mad at me.
I just can’t do it. Any of it.
So I’ve been letting go of who I used to be. I used to feel confident and very hopeful and determined. Now I’m apathetic and withdrawn. It’s said that if you have unresolved emotional problems in earlier life, you will continue to have them in the present and often these problems will be intensified by additional stresses. I haven’t been able to bounce back this time. Maybe that's why. But I have tried. For two years, I’ve tried.
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