What does it mean to not be fully integrated?
It is the term that my therapist used to describe the kind of healing I need. I need to become integrated -- emotionally whole -- by gently being guided through a process of identifying the root of my emotional pain and the experiences that led to this pain and then integrating both of these things by finally releasing all of it, while also identifying the wrong beliefs that are intensifying the pain and forgiving when necessary -- myself or someone else -- so that I can move forward.
It's very biblical.
Some of the wrong beliefs I've identified and no longer believe include "God does not love me" and "No one cares how I feel" and "God can't use me." There are others I've identified and one that I'm struggling to release right now is "There is no use to go on" and another, "My life has no purpose."
It's not so much that I'm becoming integrated as it is that many of my painful experiences are becoming integrated through this process of illumination and insight and transformation. The truth will set me free. Most of the lies are being revealed to me by the Word of God, such as the lie that God doesn't love me. Romans 5:8 proves God loves me.
So, my emotional healing will come through identifying lies that are associated with painful experiences that have turned into painful memories and then releasing the emotional pain and experiencing transformation and renewal.
It's a journey. It starts with when, where, and how it all began. I already see so many ways that my life has been affected by my past experiences. Some emotional pain can last months or for years or even a lifetime unless it is released.
Any time emotions and memories are stirred up, whether it’s from an experience that happened in childhood or later, as an adult, it can seem like the pain and grief can never be let go.
But I'm seeking to let go of the past, to heal, and to forgive myself and others. I want to move on. I want freedom.
It's been important for me to learn the right beliefs about God, too. In fact, it's been more important for me to learn these things, for in learning them my life is being transformed in ways that I can't even describe.
I have been going through a healing process. It's been a slow process, but I've been able to shift into a place of new understanding about several things like assurance of salvation and eternal security.
I have even been able to reunite with some people, after cutting off communication with them for three years because of past issues.
I've also joined a new church.
And I hope this is all just the beginning.